This feeling was what I had been searching for.

My experience with Charlie had taught me many things, but most of all it taught me love would never be a part of my life. I was fine with that. It’s not like I ever thought it would. He was unexpected. At the risk of sounding cold, he was a nice distraction from my struggle to figure the whole sex thing out. Sex with him hadn’t been the focus of our relationship, which was what had been most appealing about him.

After him, though, I felt compelled to continue with my quest. Although a self-repressed sexual being by nature, I spent years chasing after what my father needed so desperately from sex that he bled the life out of my mother to get it. I tried everything I could but never found it. I slept with men for the sole purpose of finding it. Once, I even slept with two at the same time. I had a cock in my mouth and one in my cunt. And still nothing. I used vibrators, cock rings, and a drawer full of toys chasing that high that was supposed to come with sex. I had begun to think that it wasn’t for me to experience. And then, with a man I’d just met, a man who by circumstance should have been my enemy, I found it.

And the worst part was that it took me experiencing it to know for certain that my years of searching were futile—that in no way was that feeling the reason my father fucked my mother to death. Because what I just experienced was entirely mutual. It was as much about what I gave as what I took. And that is what made it so incredible. In my parents’ case, that was in no way what was going on between them.

Some things in life will just never make sense.

LOGAN

I hadn’t smoked in years, but I needed a cigarette.

I didn’t want to move, and it appeared Elle didn’t either.

With my cock buried deep inside her, I felt invincible.

But as my breathing started to recover and the high of my orgasm faded, reality came crashing down.

I was a fucking idiot.

I was anything but invincible.

She was anything but safe.

And I’d just done the one thing that was certain to cause her harm.

It didn’t matter when I fucked around in New York City. The Blue Hill Gang didn’t extend their reach that far and besides, it’s not like I went looking for pussy. I let it come to me. Hell, most of the time I didn’t even know their names. They were women looking for a break from the boring social circles we traveled in, and for some reason I was their guy. It worked for me. They’d call my name as I fucked their brains out trying to drown out the memory of Kayla’s screams. I never took numbers, never made promises to see them again, and I never went back for seconds.

But with Elle something was different, and it scared the shit out of me. Now, even after I was completely sated and spent, I knew once wasn’t enough with her. I had known it all along, though. It wasn’t just that I wanted more; I needed it. She had lit a small flame inside me that I thought had died long ago, and I wanted her to keep that fire alive.

I wasn’t ready for this to end, so I slid a hand to the back of her neck and drove my fingers into her damp hair, and then I took her mouth eagerly once again. I kissed her passionately, furiously, drawing every ounce of pleasure I could from her—I kissed her the same as I had when I’d been fucking her.

Like it was the first and last time.

Because it was.

She moaned, and I ate up the satisfaction I knew she was feeling.

It felt good to make someone happy.

After more than a few beats, I stopped kissing her. I didn’t want to, but I had to. I was out of breath and so was she. But mostly I stopped because reality kept creeping into my head. My highs and lows were becoming more unstable, the endorphins waning the longer the time span from my orgasm.

Elle used it as her cue to pull away. “We can’t stay like this.”

The high building again from the sound of her voice alone, I looked down. I didn’t see why not. It was the only time we could. The thought of one more time had my cock stirring in her pussy again. Keeping the mood light, casual even, I shrugged and offered, “I’m up to it if you are.”

Why beat around the bush?

She gave me an amused laugh, and it was the most beautiful sound, a sound I knew I’d never forget. “Is that a challenge?”

I raised a brow, and having a feeling she didn’t back away from challenges, I teased, “It can be.”

“Your legs must be tired,” she said with the sexiest, raspy tone that I don’t think was on purpose.

I nipped at her neck. “Nope.”

She tossed her head back. “Your arms?”

I couldn’t remember the last time I was playful with a woman.

If ever.

Then I remembered. “Oh fuck, your back.”

“I’m fine,” she said, but I could tell by the way she was twisting that it was bothering her.

I gently set her down and reached between us to hold the condom in place as I pulled out of her. I missed the warmth instantly and I could tell she did too.

As soon as I opened the shower door to dispose of the condom, my eyes landed directly in front of me and I froze.

I was a dumb fuck.

How the hell had I let my wall down?

I couldn’t do that.

I knew better.

I tried my best to put it back up. Staring longer at the sight of the crack down the mirror I had made earlier certainly helped. It served to remind me who I was, and what I shouldn’t be doing. I was the grandson of the once head of the Irish Mob who had made an enemy of the now head and I knew I couldn’t be seen with any girl around this town, especially not this girl. Somehow, some way, Tommy would find out, and I didn’t want to think about what that meant.

His day would come.

“Hey, are you okay?” Elle asked.

I dared to look at her.

I shouldn’t have.

When our eyes met, all I saw was the smile slip from her face.

I really was an asshole.

Dropping my gaze, I grabbed a towel and handed it to her. Completely pissed at myself, I avoided looking at her and answered, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

The chill in the air said I wasn’t.

She wrapped the towel around herself and then opened one of the bags she must have set on the floor earlier. “I should get dressed,” she said quietly.

I could tell she was putting up her own wall.

The tension in the room left me feeling guilty. I dried off and pulled my pants on, then turned to her and lamely said, “I have some things to take care of. I’ll be out in the other room if you need me.”

Her mouth thinned and I could see her armor go all the way up. “Yes, sure, of course.”

I was being a dick and I knew it.

The awareness of my actions cut like a knife.

Odd.

It had never bothered me before. I did what I did because I had to, and I’d grown used to it. Numb to any reaction. I shook off the strange feeling and looked at my watch. “Almost ten.”

Elle nodded. “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

I turned around to walk out the door and didn’t even look back before I left. I felt like I was bleeding. I wanted to kiss her. To say good night. But I couldn’t, because I knew if I looked into her green eyes and watched them fill up with some unknown emotion, I’d scoop her up and pull her in my arms and tell her I was sorry for being an asshole. The cold routine was for her own good, though.

That I wanted her but couldn’t have her didn’t matter.

I feared that if I spent another minute with her, I’d tell her why.

And then what would she think of me?

The closed door between the living area and the bedroom acted as a buffer between us, which was good because I needed to think clearly about the situation. And not the one that had just occurred. The one we were both in with Patrick, and Tommy, too, of course.

Someone stalking Elle made no sense. It wasn’t Patrick’s style. I started to wonder if maybe she was being paranoid. The shadows she saw could very easily have been caused by the wind. But where the fuck was the garage door opener? Had whoever broken into her car taken it? I’d have her check for that first.