A dozen times or more now he had deeply regretted his response to her poignantly asked question that day in his office – when she had looked at him with a myriad of emotions playing over her expressive face and asked if he would end things with Elle should she accept his explanation. Her question had shocked him, caught him off guard, and he’d responded almost without thinking, certainly without thinking it through. And it had been at that moment when he had lost her – again.

Lauren had begun to withdraw more and more as the weeks passed, rarely speaking to him directly, and never about anything personal. When he had asked her a direct question, her reply had always been short and to the point, almost as if she was trying to use the bare minimum of words.

The rest of the crew had noticed her decidedly chilly attitude, and both Karl and George had asked him what was going on, admitting they weren’t brave enough to ask Lauren directly. But Ben had put them off, insisting that Lauren was still pissed about not being able to go to Brazil, and joking that no one held a grudge quite like she did.

George had accepted his explanation easily – as he so often did – but Karl had given him an odd look, and Ben knew he still had his doubts. Karl was, after all, closer to Lauren than anyone else in the office, but Ben doubted that she had ever confided anything to the writer about their past relationship.

Yes, he still regretted his hastily made decision back in September, and the fact that he’d destroyed not just any second chance he might have had at one day having Lauren again, but he had also done irreparable damage to their already tenuous working relationship. It had created a very uncomfortable atmosphere in the office over the past few months.

And yet, what could he have done or said differently? As Levi had just said, Ben had always prided himself on not being an asshole with the relatively few women who had been in his life. He had always been honest and upfront with them, except on two occasions – both of which were related to each other. He had admittedly wronged Lauren by leaving her without a word five and a half years ago, even though it had been the right thing to do under the circumstances. And he had yet to admit to Elle that he and Lauren had once been involved, still too worried that her raging jealousy – especially where Lauren was concerned – and emotional fragility would send her spiraling out of control.

He knew without having asked that there had been some sort of confrontation between the two women at the magazine’s holiday party. When Lauren had offered to go searching for the absent Elle, she’d been happy and smiling, her green eyes still glowing with pleasure after the dance they had shared. But when she had stormed back to the table a few minutes later, those same eyes had been spitting fire, her cheeks flushed with angry color, and Carlo had been left scrambling to dash after her as she made her way out of the banquet room.

Elle had returned to the table a few minutes after that, looking composed and serene, but it had also been obvious to Ben that she was struggling to hold it together. Half a dozen times he had started to ask her what was wrong, or if she and Lauren had argued, but each time had thought better of the idea. He had figured that if either woman had something to say to him that they would do so without his prompting.

But neither of them had ever broached the subject. Elle had acted as though nothing was wrong, and he had no desire to fan the flames of her jealousy by voluntarily mentioning Lauren. And as for Lauren – well, whatever had transpired between her and Elle it had been bad enough for her to treat him even more coldly, and speak to him as infrequently as possible.

No, in hindsight, he couldn’t have handled that conversation last September any differently. Not unless he’d wanted to become an asshole like old Joey, who’d used and discarded women like a pack of disposable razors. And as much as he still loved Lauren, he couldn’t in all good conscience have impulsively decided to drop Elle on the spot. He owed her both respect and decency, especially given how much she had done for him both personally and professionally.

But what he could have done – should have done – was to couch his reply to Lauren differently. Told her right off the bat that he still cared about her, but that he also cared about Elle and wanted to let her down gently, gradually, to bring their relationship to a close with dignity.

Instead, he’d said the first thing that had come to mind, had been honest because, no, he really couldn’t have ended things with Elle just like that. And, of course, Lauren – being the impulsive, over reactive wild child that she was – hadn’t been able to hide the hurt she’d felt at his refusal, and had dashed out of his office before giving him a chance to clarify his words.

And now the grudge she held against him felt more like a vendetta, and he was walking a very fine line in her presence these days, all too aware of the hostility and resentment she felt towards him. Between Lauren’s temper and Elle’s high strung fragility, he often felt trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Ben focused his attention on the plate in front of him, even though he wasn’t all that hungry. Levi had called him out of the blue a few days ago, announcing that he was going to be in New York for a conference, and they had arranged to meet for breakfast here at Norma’s in the Le Parker Meridian Hotel. Levi was one of the very few people that Ben actually thought of as a friend, and had kept in regular contact with him after leaving New Mexico. Levi still worked for Outdoor Magazine as a features writer, and had been the first person to befriend Ben when he’d starting working there. He had even found Ben a place to live, telling him about the empty room in the house he shared with two other guys. Levi was a fun-loving daredevil who was always up for a wild adventure – small wonder considering his specialty was writing articles about extreme sports. He’d talked Ben into some admittedly crazy things – rock climbing on fixed ropes, rappelling down steep canyons, hang gliding, wilderness camping. There was no challenge or adventure that Levi wouldn’t try at least once, and in that regard he’d made Ben think of Lauren and her own brand of fearlessness.

“So, have you ever heard anything about California Girl?”

Ben’s head snapped up at Levi’s casually posed question. “What?”

Levi stabbed a forkful of his omelet. “You heard me. That chick you were so hung up on back in New Mexico – the one you’d get tears in your eyes over when you were staring at the stars every night. Did you ever think about looking her up again?”

Ben glared at his friend and former co-worker. “I did not get tears in my eyes, you ass.”

“Oh, I beg to differ, my friend,” declared Levi. “But, hey, whatever you say, man. Do you ever think about her, though, ever get tempted to go back to Cali and look her up?”

“I think about her all the time,” admitted Ben. “And I don’t have to go all the way to California to see her because she’s here in New York on a regular basis.”

Levi gaped at him in astonishment. “You’ve seen her? California Girl? So why the hell are you still with Elle? My God, man, you were crazy about that girl. And I don’t care what you say, Ben – you did cry over her at least a few times.”

“Maybe I did.” Ben shrugged. “And the reason I’m not with her right now is because she’s seriously pissed off at me. And she is not a woman who believes in forgiving and forgetting.”

“So you’ve at least seen her? Talked to her?”

One side of Ben’s mouth quirked up in a wry smile. “Frequently. As it turns out, she’d been working at National Geographic Travel for four years when I came on board. She’s, uh, one of my crew members now.”