“Remember when you were little and I’d pour you a glass of milk before bed and then tell you a story to help you sleep?”

I nod. “I remember.”

Up until I was eleven he’d do it. Though, most of the time, he’d purposely make the stories scary and I’d end up sleeping in my parent’s bed after screaming my way through a nightmare.

“Well, think of this like that…only you’re gonna need the hard liquor instead of milk to help you sleep when I’m done.”

I laugh once. “That scary, huh?”

“Scary?” He shrugs, indifferent. “A little. Fucked up?”

He shivers, sucks back a large mouthful of whiskey, and starts at the beginning. I listen, intently, hanging on every grotesque and exciting word. When he reaches the end…fucked up doesn’t even begin to describe it.

“So...” I say, frowning into the untouched liquid in my glass. “You kidnapped Monique for Skull?”

He nods, then shakes his head. “Well, I mean, it was a fake kidnapping staged by her father, but, essentially, yes.”

My stomach churns and I tighten my hands around my glass. I never thought I’d hear my brother confess to murder and kidnapping. He was always the good one. I got into trouble occasionally, but Joel never did—not even once. From what I gather, Monique’s father lost to Skull in a game of poker and, to save his expensive way of life, he gave up his only daughter. Instead of beating his sorry ass Joel took the girl.

“How could you do that?” I wonder aloud.

“I didn’t have a choice. I was in deep—too deep to fuck it all up on an unknown seventeen year old girl.”

I flinch at her age. You don’t need to be a lawyer or a police officer to know sexual relations with a minor is illegal. Not to mention the age gap. Joel is nine years her senior.

“Seventeen?!” I whisper, harshly. “Are you insane?”

“She was seventeen when I kidnapped her, but I didn’t touch her until after her eighteenth birthday.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, aren’t you a fucking standup guy?”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen and I sure as shit didn’t plan on it, but Skull was adamant that I keep my eyes on her. After she agreed to stay with him I was the one who had to train her, dress her, feed her, and take her fucking shopping. She was in my face constantly, parading her beautiful body around me like it was no big deal—and it wasn’t. I was focused on my ultimate goal. Skull was going to die for what he did to our family...but then the bullshit started.”

He swallows, his face screwing up like he tastes something bad.

“Skull is easily bored…the things he’d do for entertainment. I felt responsible for the girl, you know? Most of the time I managed to talk him off the ledge, but after a while he got suspicious. By the time he was certain something was going on between us I was too far gone to deny it…and then he tore my life apart for the second time.”

Joel looks at me, his eyes puffy in the glow of the lights above the oven. I clench my teeth. How the hell can I walk away now? How can I walk away and pretend I did the right thing for the rest of my life? Maybe it’s the police officer in me, but an innocent is an innocent. I shake my head. Monique is not your problem. You got what you wanted. Run. Start a new life on the edge of the world.

Joel tilts his head and I bring the cup to my lips, taking a long sip. The cool feel of the smooth glass against my split lip feels heavenly…until the booze pours onto it, burning the busted flesh like acid.

Please, don’t fucking ask me. I need more time to think. Whatever I choose doesn’t only affect me. It affects Ted, Huss, Jessica, and Emily, too.

“Jai...”

I swallow. “I can’t just—”

“I need your help. I’m coming to you as a brother. I know a brother is far from what I’ve been and it’s definitely not the title I deserve right now, but you’re all I got. I will die there without you.”

I tip my head back. Isn’t that some heavy shit? Small eternities pass and I can’t bring myself to provide him with an answer.

“You know, when they had me locked up in of those industrial sheds that smelled like tuna infused asshole—”

I laugh and lower my head, my eyes locking with his. They have a happy curve to them—a curve I haven’t seen in a long time.

“No word of a lie. It was fucking rank.” His tooth filled smile fades and he glances down at his drink. “I remember when I first heard them speak your name. I was sitting in a puddle of water and rust that had leaked through the holes in the ceiling during the night. I was freezing, my body shaking like nothing else. Pick and Ghost were in charge of babysitting me. They talked a lot of shit, most of the time, but one morning I heard your name and I couldn’t believe it.” He pauses to shake his head. “I was so mad at you for following me down this fucked up rabbit hole, but then I heard how well you were doing—how you were crushing everybody and raising absolute hell—and it made me so damn proud. As the days passed and Pick and Ghost became hostile. They spoke about you and how you destroyed this year’s competition and killed their friends…Skull and his buddies won’t forget that, and I guess I’m telling you this because I know they’re on the hunt for you too. I know Skull wants Emily and that you’ll lose a lot if this mission goes sour, but I want you to know that I believe in you…and I believe, with you, we can pull this off. No sweat.”

No sweat? Ha! I’m sure breaking into a heavily guarded criminal compound is a piece of cake. Exhaling through my nose, I drop my stare to my knees. I’m a sucker for speeches—especially Joel’s speeches. My whole life he has been able to inspire and motivate me and it seems he still can. Unfortunately, a decision like this isn’t the same as deciding if I should go to school or not. Innocent lives hang in the balance. If we go down Jessica will have no one left. She’ll be an orphan—like Emily—and I don’t want that for her.

Sliding off the bench, I place my glass on the surface. It’s not easy being torn in two—being torn between what is right and what is right for me. How do I decide? How do I make that decision on behalf of everyone involved and make sure it’s the right one?

I look at Joel. His lips are pursed and his dark eyes are wide with anticipation—like an anxious dog waiting for a treat.

“If it was Emily…” I say, scratching the back of my head. “If it was her locked up there with Skull, would you help me?”

“She wouldn’t need our help. That little firecracker would destroy his house from the inside out.”

“Her bark is bigger than her bite.” I point out, unable to help the smirk forming at the corner of my lips. “She’s strong, but sensitive.”

“Oh…I see.” Joel laughs under his breath, taking a smug gulp of his drink. “How long?”

I frown as my heart kicks up in tempo. Why is it doing that? “How long, what?”

He screws his face, like I’m the idiot. “How long have you been in love with her?”

It’s that obvious, huh? Blood rushes to my face and pools in my cheeks. Thank fuck it’s dark. I stuff my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants.

“How long?” He pushes.

I shrug, impatiently. “We haven’t known each other a long time so—”

“Love is timeless.”

I don’t want to talk about love and feelings with Joel. It’s weird and it makes me feel all uncomfortable and shit. I screw up my face. Now it’s my turn to look at him like he’s the idiot.

“Love is timeless? Okay, Dalai Lama. You’re so inspiring. I might get that tattooed on my chest.”

“Will you two keep it down?” Ted snaps from one of the brown couches. “Shit.”

Joel snorts as he reaches inside the pocket of his checkered pants and pulls out a cigarette.

“You wanna go outside?”

I glance out the small window above the kitchen sink. How cold is it out there? Zero?

“I’ll pass.”

“All right.” He slides off the bench, tucking the cigarette behind his ear. “A slow death for one, got it.”