What to Do?

When Kiera and I got back home, I offered her my bedroom for the night. With lips curled in distaste, she started to say no, but then she looked around my room with wide, disbelieving eyes. Almost instantly, they started to water, and it wasn’t long before she was wiping tears off her cheeks. I didn’t comment on it, but I was pretty sure I knew why she was starting to get so emotional. Being here kind of did that to me too.

Some time ago, I’d turned the room into a shrine of my family. I’d ransacked the house for every photo Mom had of Anna and the girls. She had quite a few, and now every wall was covered in four-by-six glossies of the moments in time Mom had captured. There were some of Anna and me before the kids, when we’d visited my parents while I’d been in L.A. recording the band’s very first album. That was the first time Anna and my parents had officially met, although they had already known about her, since I had talked about her all the damn time. Anna had been pregnant with Gibson in those photos, and there was such an aura of contentment around her that she almost glowed in every shot. Damn. My wife was so fucking beautiful.

There were pictures from the party my parents had had for us after we’d eloped. Gibson was a tiny little thing in those shots. Anna was in a fancy dress; she looked like a princess. A sultry, seductive, smoking-hot princess. There was one of Anna looking down at Gibson on her lap that choked me up every time I looked at it. I tried to avoid staring at that one for too long.

Pictures of the three of us from summer barbeques, both here and at my place in Seattle, dotted the wall, along with images from Christmas and Thanksgiving holidays, and the occasional birthday party. Then the visual timeline progressed to photos of Anna holding Gibson’s hand while she was pregnant with Onnika. If she glowed while being pregnant with Gibson, then she radiated while being pregnant with Onnie. There were photos of right after Onnika was born, when Anna was happy on life and feeling no pain. Then there were pictures of the baptism, moments I hadn’t really noticed while they were happening—Anna laughing with her sister, Dad twirling Gibson, and Mom cuddling Onnika. And then some breathtaking shots of the ceremony itself. I’d been so focused on other crap that I’d practically missed the entire thing. That was time I couldn’t get back, memories I couldn’t re-create. That fact really ticked me off. How could I have been so stupid?

Melancholy came over me as Kiera’s wide eyes took in my room. Aside from the massive assortment of photos, I’d tacked up every memento and keepsake I could find—Gibson’s favorite candy bar, a wrapper from a wine Anna loved, one of Onnika’s rattles…one of Anna’s bras. My room was one gigantic fucking scrapbook. I wasn’t sure if that was sweet, psychotic, or pathetic. Maybe it was a mixture of all three.

Like she was seeing a different side of me, Kiera looked my way and consented to staying in my room. Clearing my throat, I shrugged, nodded, and acted like everything she’d just seen in my room was no big deal. It was weird, but after Kiera closed the door, I wanted to take my offer back. I wanted my bedroom back. I’d grown used to being surrounded by my wife and kids every night. They were my support system, even when they weren’t anywhere near me, and even in this weird way, it was painful to be apart.

I grabbed a blanket and made my bed on the couch. Sleep was impossible. Too much crap was running around my head. Giving up on the rest I wasn’t getting, I found some paper in my mom’s desk and then lay back down.

The first words were easy. Dear Anna…The rest of the words were exceedingly hard. I’d never laid out my heart before, not even when I’d finally admitted to Anna that I loved her. Anna and I tended to gloss over sappy shit like that. But I couldn’t avoid it anymore. In her absence, all of my emotions were backing up, and the dam was going to burst soon. It was going to burst now.

Let me start off by telling you what I should have told you months ago. What I should have told you every morning when we woke up, and every night before we went to bed—I love you. I love you so fucking much…

The tears were streaming long before I finished the damn thing.

The next morning, I woke up extra early so I could give Kiera a ride to the airport. She was taking the earliest flight so she could get back to Ryder as soon as possible. She said she’d just take a cab, since I couldn’t drop her off and get to work on time, but that didn’t sit right with me. I felt like it was my duty to drive her back, to make sure she was safe and sound, since she’d gone above and beyond to check up on me.

Since I already woke up at the crack of dawn for work, waking up even earlier made me feel like I’d rewound time and it was still last night. Kiera was struggling with the early hour too, but she was more alert after I poured her some coffee. Decaf, since she was preggers. “I’m surprised you can function this early in the morning,” she mused.

With a smile, I told her, “I’m kind of used to it now…not that it doesn’t suck donkey balls, ’cause it definitely does.”

Kiera laughed, then yawned. “Yeah, it does.”

Feeling closer to her than I possibly ever had before, I again thanked her for coming out to see me. “It means a lot that you took the time to…check on me. Thank you for that.”

Smiling, she told me, “You’d do the same for Kellan.” Her grin turned to a frown. “I think.”

Even though her words had a note of truth to them—I could be pretty self-absorbed at times—her expression made me laugh. Pursing her lips, Kiera quietly asked, “So…are you…? Are you going to show up at the auditions?”

As I stared at her, I thought about that. Was I? “I don’t know. I just…don’t know.”

Kiera nodded, but she looked sad. “Are you going to come back to Seattle at least? Work things out with Anna?”

I sighed. “I wish I could, but I’m up to my eyeballs here. I need this job.” She had no idea just how true that was. Like it or not, I was stuck.

Kiera opened her mouth, and I could tell she was thinking—your old job paid better—but then she closed her mouth and left the words unspoken. I wondered if she’d considered what I’d already considered. Showing up at the auditions didn’t mean I’d get to be a D-Bag again. It didn’t guarantee me anything. And besides, that was a couple weeks away, and I had bills to pay. I couldn’t go anywhere.

We drove to the airport in comfortable silence. When we got there, Kiera thanked me as she opened her door to get out. I stopped her when she was half in, half out of the car. “Wait…” Reaching into my jacket, I pulled out the note I’d written last night. Thinking I should tear it into a thousand tiny pieces, I handed it to her. “Will you give this to Anna for me? Please?”

I could see the curiosity in Kiera’s eyes, but the letter was sealed inside an envelope. She wouldn’t be able to read it until Anna did. Fuck. Did I want Anna to read it? Kiera nodded and took the letter from me, and that was when I realized that I did want Anna to read it. Sure, it was lame, sappy, and something that would typically make me gag…but I wanted Anna to know how I felt. How I really felt.

When Kiera closed the door with a small wave, my body was lighter, my head clearer. Maybe a letter wasn’t enough, but I finally felt like I was doing something productive, something positive, and something…unselfish.

I watched Kiera until she safely disappeared inside the airport, then I took off so I could get to work on time. Or almost on time.

My supervisor gave me a stern scolding about punctuality when I was late, telling me my time wasn’t my own, and I was basically stealing from the company. He’d said he’d fire me if I made a habit of it. Sanctimonious asshole. But all I could think of while he was yelling at me was Kiera’s news about the audition. I didn’t know what to do.