“Yeah, I know. I’m not who you thought I’d be, and you aren’t too sure if I know what I’m doing. I don’t, but we’re in this together, right baby girl? I mean, how hard could this be?”

I found a stack of diapers in the first drawer and cheered silently. Heck yeah. I’ve got this. I undid the straps of her diaper and opened it. Thank fuck. Just pee. Wait. I’d seen Julia wipe her with something. Where were they? I held onto Calia and looked back in the drawer. Ah, yes. Wipes. There we go. I took one out and wiped her gently. She squirmed a little.

“That’s probably cold, isn’t it? Hey, your mommy should warm those up for you. It’s not your Uncle Johnny’s fault, though, okay?”

I pulled off the old diaper and opened the new one. I was a pro at this! I put the new one under her and looked for the fasteners. Where did they go? I lifted her legs and looked under her. Yep. Wrong side. I took it out and turned it over.

Just then I heard snorting at the door. “Need some help?” I turned, narrowing my eyes at Julia.

She stepped into the room, greeting Calia. Julia eyed my progress on the diaper. “Did you wipe her?”

“Yes,” I said. “Tell her, Calia. We were just fine without her. She was supposed to sleep in.”

Calia blew bubbles at her mom and smiled, kicking her legs. Julia smiled, leaning over and kissing her daughter on the nose. “And what was Uncle Johnny going to feed you with? I don’t think you’re going to get much out of those.”

Julia put her hand on my bare chest, over one of the many tattoos. She never asked me what they meant or why I got them. I knew she wanted to know, but she didn’t push me. We laughed.

“No, I was just trying to give you a few more minutes to rest.”

Julia stepped up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. “I love you, Johnny. Thank you. Have I told you lately how much I love you being here?”

I strapped the diaper onto my niece and buttoned her pajamas back up. Picking her up, I kissed her soft cheek. She smiled, gracing me with the same dimple Julia had. “I love you too, Jules. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

“Stay here,” she said, taking Calia from me. “What’s in Denver anymore anyway? You seem to like living here and have a job now, so why not stay?”

I’d thought about it many times last night. Julia lived here with the only family I cared about being near. “I’ll think about it. I do love it here. But even if I stayed, I’d get my own place.”

Julia frowned at me. “Here we go again.” She settled Calia in her arms in the rocking chair and began nursing her. Calia gripped on to Julia’s finger as she suckled. A pain I couldn’t describe went through my chest at the two of them. I knew I didn’t want that. I’d never be a good parent and was very careful not to become one. I didn’t want to be tied down to one woman for a lifetime, much less a woman and a child. But just once it would be nice to be loved so unconditionally like that.

“I made breakfast,” I changed the subject.

“You did? What are you doing up so early on Saturday anyway? Or did you just get in?”

“No, I got in about three. I just couldn’t sleep.”

Julia watched me, trying to read me. “Why?”

“It was a crazy night at the bar,” I said. That was true, of course. Just not the way she thought. “Jaded Regret brought in huge crowds.”

“That’s so amazing that they’re from here. You said they’re opening for Halestorm?”

“Yes. Leaving next month to do a U.S. tour with them.”

“Carter likes them,” Julia explained. “You know me. I’m more of a country girl.”

An idea came to me. “Carter should come to the show! Tonight is the last night. I can get him VIP seating if he wants.”

“He’d probably love that,” Julia said. “You can ask him when he gets up. I usually try to let him sleep in on Saturdays. He hates it when I do, but I do it anyway. He works so hard during the week and helps me with the baby any time he can.”

Julia switched Calia to the other side. “I got so lucky, Johnny.” She looked around and then back to me. “Look at what I have. There are some days I can’t believe this is my life now.”

“You deserve it. You always have.”

Julia wiped her eye. “Damn, I’m so emotional these days. Thank you, Johnny. You deserve it too, you know.”

No, I didn’t. She was sweet as hell for thinking I did, as always, but I didn’t. “I’m going to warm breakfast up. I made pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I hope that’s okay.”

I heard Julia sigh from behind me, but she didn’t say anything else. “Sounds great. Thanks for doing that. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

“Hey, you never told us how Dr. Mia was the other day.” Carter munched on his piece of bacon. Nestled in his arms was a sleeping Calia. True to what Julia said, he’d come out fifteen minutes after we’d eaten breakfast. He’d chastised Julia for not waking him when Calia was up, then promptly took his daughter and put her right back to sleep.

I loved the way that man loved my sister and their daughter. I wished to be even a fraction of the man he was, but I knew I never would be. The only love I had was for the people in this house. My heart wasn’t capable of feeling anything for anyone else. Lust, yes. Attraction, yes. But closeness? Die for you type of love? No. Just not possible.

I’d thought that was possible once. I’d been young, stupid and naive. I’d thought at twenty years old that the girls that hung around ‘waiting to get discovered’ were in the same boat as me. Young, driven, and chasing their dreams. Except that’s not what they’d been for at all. I’d made the mistake of falling for a girl once before. Once they’d figured that out, she had been fair game. A game they made sure I painfully lost.

“Johnny?” Julia’s voice broke through my thoughts.

I looked up at her. “Oh. Sorry. Guess I need some more coffee.” I stood and refilled my cup, drinking it black like I always did. “She was a very nice lady.” I almost snorted in my coffee as the words came from my mouth. Very nice looking.

“Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming,” Carter said.

“I’m just not into talking about shit that’s already happened. We talked, she was nice enough, but I’m not going back.”

Julia sighed. “I knew you were going to say that.”

I fought the anger that threatened. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—be angry with Julia. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t understand. “I know you’re trying to help me. I appreciate that. But I’m okay, Jules. I promise.”

“I just want you to be happy,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes again. “Darn these hormones! I can’t do anything without crying anymore.”

Carter leaned over and brushed his lips against hers, and she smiled. “I love you.”

She echoed his words. Turning back to me, she reached her hand over and placed it on top of mine. “I love you too much to let you keep yourself in your self-imposed prison, Johnny. You got out of prison. Don’t keep yourself there anymore. I know what you’re doing until all hours of the day and night, both here and in Denver. You’re an attractive guy, I know that. And single. Very, very single. But this empty lifestyle doesn’t suit you.”

But it does, little sister. It’s all I deserve to have. I ruffled her hair and kissed her temple. “You worry too much.”

“She’s right,” Carter said. “You don’t let yourself get close to anyone. Who—other than me—have you let be a part of your life in the last two years?”

No one, not even you, I thought. “I’m just a private person. I don’t need a lot of friends, and I’m content with things the way they are. I appreciate life so much more now than before I was behind bars. You can’t understand that, but I want you both to believe me. I’m okay. Really.”

I thought back to Bex. She was angry, just like me. She was bitter and hardened, and shit had probably happened to her, too. And I cared about that as much as she cared what my story was. What I did care about, however, was using the time we had together tonight very wisely.