Jackson laughs, a bitter laugh, one I haven’t heard from him before. “People make mistakes, I guess. I just wish she’d told me. Even if it would never make things better… I just wish she’d respected me enough to tell me the truth.”

I nod.

“I guess that’s one of my issues,” he says.

“What?”

“Liars. I hate liars.”

My stomach drops.

Shit.

Why does it feel like he just told me he hates me?

He doesn’t realize he’s confirming everything I’ve worried about. Everything I’ve feared.

He’ll never forgive me if he learns the truth.

“My mom lied to my dad for years about drugs and it destroyed her. Liz lied to me about whatever happened at the party. It destroyed me. If they’d just told me. If they’d just been honest…”

“Your mom was into drugs?” I ask, realizing I’m changing the subject, but I’m too shocked not to ask. He mentioned his mom had passed away, but drugs? Drugs don’t seem like they fit into this world. They’re for people lost in the gutters of New York, for the johns and the hookers with no hope left. The people with nothing else to live for.

“It’s not something we talk about much, but yeah. She overdosed when I was twelve.”

“So that’s how she died?”

“Yeah,” he whispers, barely audible.

“Wow… I mean, I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect that. I… I’ve known some people who were into drugs. It’s horrible.”

“Really?” he whispers. “Who?”

“Oh, um, people in New York. It’s just hard, because they don’t realize how messed up they can get. The only thing that matters is the drug, and there isn’t anything you can do to change that.”

When he speaks, he sounds like his mind is a million miles away. “I always felt like there was something more I could have done… If only she had told us. If I’d been able to see what she was really hiding from us…”

I nod and try to hide my horror. I’m way more than just shocked at what Jackson told me about his past… I’m terrified, because tonight things changed between us. It showed me how good things could be.

And then he told me he hates lies. No, more than that…

He hates liars.

I’ve lied to him. If he found out the truth, it would be worse than him seeing me as a whore…he’d hate me. Because I didn’t tell him the truth from the start.

I squeeze my eyes closed and hope he doesn’t notice.

Shit. How long can I keep this from him?

Chapter Twenty-Six

I crawl back through my window and stand there, staring at my bedroom in the dark. Everything feels so quiet. So empty.

Tonight was incredible. Every time I’m with Jackson, things feel so right. Like I belong.

Except that I don’t belong.

That’s my biggest lie. That I could belong here. Belong with someone like Jackson.

I’m a liar. I don’t deserve this, any of it. One day soon it’s going to bite me in the ass and I’m going to lose it all. I know it. I can feel it.

The truth sits there in the shadows, watching, waiting for the right time to strike. Waiting for the moment I feel the safest, so it can take away everything I love.

My house of cards is going to crumble very, very soon.

I know I can’t sleep here, not tonight, not with those thoughts floating around in my mind, so I head to the backyard, to the one person I know I won’t lose.

I don’t know if Zara loves me, but I don’t need love. I just need someone who won’t hate me for who I am.

So I sneak out the back door through the kitchen and into the backyard. It’s so dark, the only thing breaking the silence are the bugs chirping in the darkness.

Zara’s already watching me, bright-eyed, and I walk to her quickly. She climbs out of her doghouse and wags her tail in greeting.

“Hey girl,” I whisper, and lean down to pet her. She licks my face, and I immediately feel better. I know I’ll lose Jackson someday, but I won’t lose Zara. Not to hate, anyway. I sit down, and she lies beside me. I lean over and lay my head on her back. Her long black hair tickles my ear.

This must be what unconditional love feels like. I wish I’d known that feeling before. I wish my parents had told me they’d love me no matter what.

Maybe I’d have come home sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have run away in the first place.

I wish Luis could have loved me without the money I brought him.

I wish any single one of my boyfriends before I left home would have loved me without the sex.

They all used me, every single one.

I was a hooker before I had a name for it. But I was just a child. I guess that’s the thing I never really let myself understand. Those boys took my innocence when I was just a child. Even my first days with Luis…I was too young for all of that. Too young to understand, to say no when I needed to. Too pathetic, too naive, to really understand.

I learned the hard way.

I feel my mask slipping, old Anna drifting to the surface.

Marissa and her boyfriend see through me; they see the truth. Whoever’s leaving notes in my locker knows the truth.

Maybe I should beg my parents to take me out of school. I tried and it worked for a while, but I can’t bear to watch it all crumble at my feet. If it falls, I fall with it. But then what would I do? Stay home with my parents?

Not go to the dance?

I came back to school sure it wouldn’t work. And even though it feels now like it might crumble at any moment, I have to give it a chance.

I just wish I knew how this was going to all turn out.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I wake to my mother pounding on the door. “Anna!” she yells.

“What?” I groan.

The door opens. “You’re late, you—” She freezes, her eyes stopping on the dog my arms are wrapped around. She doesn’t speak, just stares at us.

I sit up. “I’ll put her back outside,” I say.

She still doesn’t speak, just lets me pass. Zara doesn’t follow at first. She’s staring back at my mother. Guess I don’t blame her. Zara’s used to Mom or Dad punishing her.

“Come on, girl,” I say, and Zara hops from the bed and follows me out, head low as she passes my mother. I put her outside.

My mother is waiting for me in the kitchen when I come back in.

“Anna, I’ve told you before, that dog isn’t safe.”

“Mom, I’m not going to fight about this. I need her.”

She blinks but says nothing else until I head back to my room to get ready for school. “I’m going to call Sarah.”

I shrug. “Do whatever you want.” I’m really not in the mood for this. Really, really not in the mood. Besides, I have a feeling Sarah will be on my side for this one.

I don’t have time for a shower this morning, but I decide that’s okay, because I still smell like Jackson. And even though I’m terrified of what will happen when he finds out the truth, he still makes me feel good.

Even without the shower, I’m about five minutes too late to make it to the bus stop, so my mom has to take me to school. When I come into the kitchen to let her know, she’s hanging up the phone.

“Did you talk to Sarah?” I ask.

She nods. “She thinks it’s okay. The dog. Just be careful, okay? She’s nearly bitten a lot of people.”

“Okay.”

Zara wouldn’t bite me, but I guess it’s always possible, so I won’t say that. Truth is, the risk is worth what she gives me. Comfort in a world of torturous and constant uncertainty.

Mom drops me off in front of the school. I watch the hundreds of kids file into the big brick building. Maybe I should have stayed home today. I’m so not in the mood for this.

When I don’t get out of the car right away, my mom asks. “Are you okay, Anna?” She nods to the school. “Here, I mean. Or even just in general.”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Sometimes.”