I nab him after film on Tuesday.

“Hey, Campbell. Got a minute?”

He pauses in the hallway outside the film room. The other offensive players brush by us. “Sure.” He doesn’t sound enthused.

I get straight to the point. “Your sister’s number is disconnected. I need her new one.”

“No, you don’t.” He turns to leave.

I grab his arm and lower my voice. “Ace told me about your meeting. I don’t want to jeopardize your playing time. I just want to talk to her.”

He jerks out of my grasp. “You think I fucking care about playing football more than I care about my sister’s wellbeing? Fuck you, Masters.”

As he stomps away, I rub a hand through my hair. That didn’t go as I had planned. Jack might be someone I need to address later, after all the pieces are in place.

I stake out the apartment and follow Riley to class on Wednesday morning instead of Ellie. “Riles, Ellie’s phone is disconnected.”

“Are you following me? Because stalking is deemed a violation of the honor code. An honor code violation would mean you can’t play on Saturday, and gosh, wouldn’t that be terrible?” The expression on her face says that me being suspended would make her day.

“I just want to talk to Ellie,” I coax.

“Has your number changed?” she asks.

Confused, I reply, “No.”

“Then if she wants to talk to you, she can call you, can’t she?”

Perhaps Riley doesn’t know about the ban, but before I can clarify things for her, she slips into her class.

What had I said to Matty about not getting down in the face of defeat? Once again my words come back to slap me in the face. On Thursday I go back to Jack who ignores me as much as possible. Given that we play on opposite sides of the ball, watch different film, have different specialty coaches, it’s actually pretty easy for him to pretend I don’t exist.

That is, it would be easy if I wasn’t constantly up in his business.

“What do you want Masters?” he finally relents on Friday when I sit on the porch of his house and refuse to leave. Ace probably made him come out.

“I want you to give me a chance to explain.”

“Fine,” he says curtly. He jerks his chin upright to indicate I should start talking.

“I screwed up, both on the field and off of it. I love her. I want to make this right with her.” Even after I confess this, he remains grim-faced and unforgiving. I don’t need his forgiveness, only his cooperation. I continue, “Ellie’s an adult. She needs to be given the chance to make her own decisions. You know she’d be pissed as hell if she thought you were making them for her.”

Annoyance flickers in his face when I register that hit. “If she wanted to call you, she would.” He repeats the same excuse he gave me earlier that week.

“We both know she isn’t going to do anything that jeopardizes your position or mine. She’s making a sacrifice for all of us, but she doesn’t have to do it alone. Give me a chance,” I plead.

He looks in the direction of Ellie’s apartment and then back at me, weighing my words against her response. “I’ll give you one chance.”

I jump up and pound him on the back. “Thanks, man. You won’t regret it.”

“Don’t fuck it up.”

“Can I do worse than I already have?” I half joke.

This admission tugs a grin from him. “Probably not.”

With Jack on board, Riley follows. We win on Saturday and then the next week and the week after, giving us a record of 10 and 1. Despite creeping up the polls, the wins don’t give me the same high.

I spend the rest of my time skulking around campus, watching Ellie as covertly as possible, between lifting, practice, and games. I stay as careful as possible, because if I get her brother kicked off the team, she’d never forgive me.

Watching her is painful and not the good kind of pain that precedes a wave of endorphins as you break into the next level. It’s a sharp, constant pain as if someone took a cleat and peeled back the skin over my chest. Now the wind keeps whipping past all my exposed nerves.

Every time I see her it’s a reminder of everything I'm missing. Yes I missed fucking her crazy in her tiny bed. Or making out with her in all the stairwells and hollows on campus. I missed the warm feeling of her body next to mine. The little gasps she makes when I slide my dick in just the right spot. I was getting good at it too. But more than that I just miss her.

I miss the sight of her bent head as she studies. The way she so precisely copies her notes from her notebook into her computer. How when she laughs all of her teeth show. How her eyes light up when we argue over players and teams. I miss her sharp insight into the game.

It’s not easy to watch her without someone noticing me. Even with my winter coat and beanie, there’s always another student who calls out my name and wants to congratulate me on how well the Warriors are doing.

But I can’t stay away from her. If I see her, I think, then she’s still mine. What I told Matty has become the anthem of my life now. Ellie and I will never be done. Our story is a forever one.

I just need to get everyone on that same page with me, including her.

35 Ellie

Week 13: Warriors 10-1

“Broomball, Ellie?” Jack asks with disapproval when he picks me up from the ice rink where I practice with my new intramural squad. It’s mostly the Horny Toad softball team with a few others.

“I played eight weeks of softball and came away with only a skinned knee,” I remind him. He’s still worried I’ll get hurt, but nothing could be more painful than losing Knox. I didn’t realize I’d feel this way, like a hollowed out tube of a person. I’m skin and bones, but underneath it’s one big tumbleweed blowing around an empty wasteland.

He grunts his disagreement, but doesn’t say another word about it. Smart, because I’m not changing my mind.

It’s been three weeks since the loss. Three more games and three more wins. Their record stands now at ten and one, with one regular season game left. As long as they win on Saturday, they’ll play for the conference championship. The Warriors have moved up the charts to number six. Is it bad to hope for the other teams to lose? Maybe, but I cheer for it anyway.

Things worked out okay. Jack is back playing. I’ve barely seen him because he’s spent so much time re-doing the worksheet answers. The professor let him do an oral presentation, but the university is making him take a course over winter break and then during the summer. He’s not thrilled about it.

I got a job waiting tables at Buster’s, and they all love me because I volunteered to work double shifts over Thanksgiving. I have no plans to go home. I’m not even sure I’m welcome at home.

I’m not making much money beyond rent, and I can see that if I want to finish my degree, I will need a second job. But having money of my own makes me feel independent in a way I hadn’t realized I needed.

I miss Knox every day. Sometimes I imagine I see him out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn it’s another student. It’s hard to watch the Warriors, but I can’t keep away. Riley refuses to watch with me. She uses her business as an excuse, but I think she’s mad at Knox and Jack.

I don’t blame Knox at all. But Riley said that Knox’s test was stupid, and he either loves me or he doesn’t. I try to tell her it wasn’t only the fact I had intentionally mistaken Ty for Knox, but the things I’d said to him afterward and how I’d almost ruined their season.

She steadfastly disagrees, which makes me love her all the more. She’s wrong, but she’s on my side. I’d found a teammate in the person I’d least expected.

I miss the guys. Even the Horny Toads all looked at me with sad eyes during the last game, when the stands were nearly empty. No more Warriors to cheer us on. A figure stood two fields away. I pretended it was Knox, but we still lost.