“I get that.” Of course he did. “It must have felt strange, maybe even wrong, to be with him, almost in a domestic way, in her absence.”

   “Yes,” I cried, my voice louder than I intended. “In the years before she was married, I would have given anything to take her place, but after she died, I didn’t want to be her replacement.” I wiped the puffy skin under my eyes, realizing I must have looked like some sort of soggy raccoon, and tried to continue. “I loved her,” I whispered. “Even more than I loved him.”

   “I know,” he whispered back to me.

   “So now he’s upset because he knows I went out with you, even though, he and I, we’re nothing. We never were anything, except, maybe, a ruse. A sick, weird, twisted, relationship.”

   “Do you love him?” Nate asked the question with gentleness and genuine curiosity, and I felt like I owed him at least the truth. Or my own personal version of it. I wanted to give him the most truthful answer I had.

   I took a moment to think about his question, because I wanted to give him the most honest answer I could. “I thought I did. Nate, I really thought I did. But, I want to believe love doesn’t make someone feel this way.”

   “I want to believe that too.”

   We took a break from talking, letting everything I’d said sink in, and ate our meal. The quiet, which usually would have made me uneasy, was welcomed and not at all awkward. He continued to sit next to me, although he moved over a little to give me room to eat, but I liked that he was so close – that he hadn’t taken the first opportunity to move away from me, to distance himself. When our knees brushed under the table, I tried to ignore the fact that I liked it.

   “I’m sorry you had to listen to all that,” I said, finally, after the waiter had taken our dinner plates away. “But, obviously, you can understand why I’m unavailable right now.”

   “I can understand why you think you’re unavailable, yes.” He picked up his linen napkin and wiped his mouth, his eyes giving away that he was getting ready to say something of importance. “I think,” he said, putting his hands down and looking me straight in the eyes, “you’re confused and sad and probably dealing with a little bit of depression following the death of your best friend.”

   I couldn’t argue with him, but I also couldn’t fathom where he was taking me with his words.

   “The way I see it, in this moment, you’ve never been more available. At least, not since you met Devon.”

   I opened my mouth to argue that point, but he continued to talk, cutting me off.

   “It sounds, to me, like you’re holding all the cards, Lyn. Maybe you’re not used to the feeling, seeing as how you’ve been playing by everyone else’s rules all this time, but you’re in a position to choose now.”

   I listened to his words, but didn’t really take them in, couldn’t comprehend them. It had been a long time since I felt like I was in the driver’s seat of my own life, and if this was what it felt like, I wasn’t ready to drive.

   “Lyn,” he whispered, placing his hand over mine again, gently rubbing his thumb on the top of my hand, sending shivers straight up my arm. “Do you want to spend the rest of your life being someone’s second choice?”

   I froze. “It’s not like that,” I whispered, my voice so low I wasn’t sure he could even hear me.

   “It is like that, babe,” he said sweetly. But the sweetness with which he said the words did nothing to lessen the devastating effects they were having on me. “If your friend was still alive, he wouldn’t be with you. The last decade of your life shows that.” His thumb was still moving over my skin, but I was no longer feeling tingly. I was feeling emptier and emptier by the minute.

   “I think I need to go,” I rasped, reaching for my purse, starting to stand, until his grip tightened on my hand. My eyes flashed to him.

   “Please, I’m sorry, don’t go yet. I’d feel terrible if you left upset. Just…sit. We can talk about something else.”

   “Talk about something else?” I asked, my voice growing angrier. “You basically just told me that I’ve spent my entire adult life as insignificant.”

   I didn’t know what I was more upset about: that he’d said those words to me, or that they were true.

   The truest words I’d ever heard.

   He was right.

   I was insignificant.

   And I did it to myself by allowing it. I let myself be his second choice ever since the beginning.

   I collapsed into the chair, bringing my free hand to my mouth, wondering how I’d spent the last nine years being nothing. Nate still held my hand, still tried to comfort me, as I came to the most desolating revelation of my life.

   After a few minutes, I felt Nate’s other hand come to my shoulder as he gave it a gentle squeeze.

   “You deserve to be someone’s first choice, Evelyn.” After his words, his hand dropped from my shoulder and I missed the warmth and the pressure immediately. I wanted him to hold me again and just comfort me, but I couldn’t ask him to do that; it wasn’t fair. Instead, he also pulled his hand away and moved his chair back to the opposite side of the table.

   “So,” he finally said, his voice light and airy, as if I hadn’t just had an emotional breakdown. “I think, after listening to your story, I’d have to agree with you that you’re not really available right now.”

   I quite nearly laughed at his words. In fact, a little sputtering chuckle made it past my lips through the tail end of my cries.

   “However, I don’t think you’re as big of a lost cause as you seem to believe.” He paused and I watched as his eyes fell to the table, his fingers fidgeting with his napkin. “Look, you’re worth so much more than you’re asking for. You ask people for the bare minimum, and then thank them when they give it to you. You deserve more.”

   His words were sending shockwaves of warmth through me, igniting the tiniest flame inside me. It was hard to believe the words, but they meant a lot coming from his mouth.

   “Let me see your phone,” he said gently.

   I raised an eyebrow, questioning him.

   “Trust me on this.”

   I relented and handed him my phone, watching as he lit up the screen and moved his thumbs quickly over the screen.

   “Okay. In exactly one month, an alert is going to come up on your screen. All it’s going to say is ‘Nate.’  That is just me, checking in. If you’re in a better place and feel like giving me a call, I’ll be waiting. If you see my name and cringe, then don’t worry about me, just keep moving forward and I’ll wish you all the best. The ball’s in your court.”

   “Nate, I don’t-“

   “Nope,” he said, cutting me off. “You don’t get to turn me down now.” He said all that with a smile. “When that alert comes up on your phone, decide then. And I promise, whatever you decide, I’ll be okay with, as long as it’s your first choice.”

   “Okay,” I whispered, unsure of what he thought would come of waiting a month. I was broken on the inside. He shouldn’t want anything to do with me.

   “I’m glad you agreed to meet me tonight, Lyn. I’m grateful you told me your story. But, I think you need to rest.”

   He wasn’t wrong. Realizing your life was in shambles, and you’d spent it practically begging everyone to see you as worthless was exhausting.

   “That sounds good.”

   He walked me out of the restaurant and continued with me to my car. I opened the door and turned back to him, ready to thank him for dinner and tell him goodbye, but he surprised me by being only inches from me. Our eyes met and I stilled as his hand came up and pushed my hair behind my ear.

   “Any man who wouldn’t pick you, wouldn’t wait for you, is an idiot, Evelyn.” His hand dropped slightly, and his thumb feathered over my bottom lip. Then his fingers gently tucked under my chin, pushing it up just barely. “You get yourself sorted out, and if you feel like you want to give us a second chance, call me when you see my name on that phone.”