He wanted ice cream in the middle of winter and jellybeans in baked goods that had no business being there. He missed the element of surprise. He missed the curve of her waist where it meets her hips. He missed those damn blue-green eyes that stayed the same when her clothes changed. He missed Jude. He missed her and that pain was far worse than any his body could inflict. As long as his mind was intact, the image of the girl in the chartreuse dress and snow boots would haunt his memories, his dreams, his waking hours, and his dying days.

Instead, he was offered blue gelatin as if he should be happy. Katherine said, “I told them you didn’t eat much at dinner. That might be causing this. I told them. Just a sugar dip. They suggested you eat this.”

He turned his head in anger, his voice tight. “This isn’t a fucking sugar dip. I’m not a diabetic. I have Parkinson’s.” He paused to stare at her. “Isn’t that your cue to leave?”

“Don’t get snippy with me, Taylor. I’m only trying to help.”

He huffed, wanting to throw something or punch a wall to get this pent-up aggression out somehow. Taking it out on a woman who was clueless wasn’t satisfying his need. He turned away from her, blocking her out of his mind and getting her out of his sight.

She got the hint… finally, and went to the coffee shop down the street. Once the last nurse left the room, Taylor stared out the window. It was larger than the last hospital room’s and it faced the city instead of the roof of a dilapidated structure. The lights were off except a small lamp on the wall near the bed, but he reached up and turned it off too. The buildings outside were the only lights he wanted to see. They reminded him of Jude sitting in the chair by the window at his place. She used sit there for hours staring out. And he used to sit nearby for hours staring at her. She once called herself broken. She was this small angel with huge wings wrapped around her. She wasn’t broken. The world around her was.

His lids grew heavy and he let himself go…

The overhead light flicked on and Taylor was startled awake.

“Oops,” Katherine announced unapologetically. “Sorry.” She turned the light back off and walked to his bedside. “It’s not even ten. I didn’t expect you to be asleep. I brought you coffee.” When he made no effort to take it from her, she set it on his hospital tray. “I’ll leave it here so you can reach it.”

He kept his eyes focused outside, outside where Jude lived, and asked, “Have you ever wondered what you would do if you had nothing?”

She laughed until she figured out he was serious. “Why do you think about such horrid things, honey? You should be thinking positively. That will help you heal.”

This time he laughed, and turned to her as she sat in a chair by the window. She was beautiful. Any guy would find her attractive—on the outside. Vapid on the inside. But he preferred the unpredictable nature of the little brunette with wide beautiful eyes. He preferred Jude. His reality didn’t include her though, so he was trying to make do with those who did want him. “Horrid? There are worse things in life, Katherine, than having a clean slate.”

“No money. No job. No family or friends. That sounds horrid.”

“You don’t have a job now.”

“I do too. I’m the head of three fundraisers this year. One of which is being held at the old theatre down in Soho. We’ll be the first allowed in there since it closed twenty-six years ago.”

“Oh,” he said, withdrawn from this conversation already. “Sorry for assuming. I was thinking about how you would support yourself if your parents didn’t.”

Her eyes flashed at him. “Taylor, we both come from money. Can you stop acting like we’re so different? You and I are alike in so many ways. A perfect match.” She perked up. “Hey! There’s one thing I would like a clean slate on.”

Taylor actually perked up in response. Maybe there was hope yet. Maybe her soul ran deeper than a puddle after a light rain.

She said, “If I hadn’t had my dalliance, we would be married right now and I’d have my first little one on the way.” She rubbed her stomach.

Besides questioning if the baby would even be his, all he heard was “I. I. I.” Not we. I. She will never change. It will always be about her.

How did he end up here, back with her? They were never good together. It was an illusion that everyone had convinced him of. He was sold a bill of goods that was past its prime. He thought if Jude was gone for good that he could return to his old life like she hadn’t rearranged all the pieces. The puzzle that was his life was missing corner pieces and important ones that made up his core. How could he foolishly think dating Katherine would fit… could fill in those gaps?

He had tried. But after three dates with her, the sight and sound of her made him cringe and his heart clenched, so he turned away from her. He turned away from the window he wanted to look out. And he turned away from the thought of Jude out there in that city somewhere. “I’m going to rest now.”

She stood up. “I should go. The visiting hours are ending soon and I feel dirty being around so many sick people. I want a hot bath and a good night’s sleep. I’ll be back in the morning. I’ll bring you fresh coffee.” She walked to his bedside and leaned in to kiss his cheek. With a pat to his shoulder, she added, “I’ll see you in the morning.” She walked toward the door and he watched her go.

Thankful for the peace, he began to roll over and try for sleep, but an unwanted visitor walked in. Taylor took one look and said, “Go away, Rufus. I’m not in the mood to fight with you.”

Rufus made himself more comfortable in the chair by the window, a regular hotspot tonight. Taylor decided he’d ask the nurse to remove the chair when Rufus leaves.

Rufus looked at Taylor, but his normal agitated expression wasn’t there. He looked—humbled, as if that was even possible. “I came to apologize.”

Now this Taylor wanted to hear and lay on his back to watch and listen. “Go on.”

“I’ve been a real asshole to you. You know why, jealousy, whatever the fuck with that, but that doesn’t make it right. I’m sorry.”

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Some friends of mine were at the fundraiser and you know how gossip gets around.”

“So you’re apologizing because you think I might die?”

“Something like that, but I owed you one or fifty, anyway. Just thought it was a good time to say it.”

“To clear your conscience?”

“Hey, Taylor,” Rufus sounded serious, “this is hard for me. I don’t apologize. Ever. But I am to you.”

“Again, this is hard for you? It’s hard for me, Rufus. I understand you feel entitled to people and things, but you aren’t entitled to be a martyr in this situation. I get to own the whole I’m a victim thing because when you go home tonight, I’ll be stuck in this hospital bed for who knows how long. So as much as I can appreciate you apologizing for years of bullshit, don’t do it to make yourself feel better. That’s not a real apology. Say it because you mean it. And say it to make things right.”

Rufus stood, his gaze out the window. Taylor hoped Rufus was absorbing what he just said. When Rufus turned back to him, he said, “I’m sorry, Taylor. I really am. You’ve lost a lot.” Taylor realized Rufus had heard about Jude. “And have more on the line to lose. So I’m genuinely sorry for everything I’ve done to you that made your life more difficult.”

Now that, Taylor could appreciate. “Thank you.” It didn’t mean he wanted to grab a beer with him anytime soon, but the effort he made was nice.

Rufus turned to leave and said, “Take care, man. I wish you the best.”

“Thanks.” He said the word, but he wanted to punch Rufus for the bastard he was. What was the point? The. Ass.

As soon as he left, he rolled completely over being careful not to agitate the IV. The hospital became quieter over the next few hours as all the visitors left and the night staff started their shifts.