He blinks again as if seeing two of me. “Well hurry up, then.”

I shake my head. The thought of being surrounded by a group of drunk and carefree people turns my stomach. “I’m pulling an all-nighter on this.”

Damien shrugs and disappears. I go back to my books but my eyelids are weighted down with bricks, so heavy I can’t fight against it. Before I know it, my forehead hits the desk and I’m out instantly.

A hand shaking my shoulder wakes me. Disoriented, I lift my head as Damien dumps something on my desk in front of me. He gives my back a slap and disappears again. Taking a deep breath, I swipe both hands down my face before I reach for my phone. Four a.m. stares back at me like death knell. I’ve been out for over four hours.

“Fuck,” I snarl, glaring at the books spread over my desk. God, just once I wanted to get this right, but it feels hopeless. I’ve started my whole life off on the back foot and haven’t managed to catch up since.

Furious with myself, I sweep out an arm, shoving everything off my desk. Books fall in a thumping heap on the floor. It’s not enough to soothe the raging beast. I grab one at random and start ripping at pages. My chest heaves as the paper shreds into ribbon beneath my fingers. I scrunch them and reach for more, growling with frustration. “Fuuuuck!”

Picking up another book, I throw it at the wall. It dents the plaster before dropping to the carpet, right next to the little white bottle Damien delivered. I scoop it off the floor. The contents rattle against the opaque plastic as I bring it close and read the label.

Adderall, I mouth silently.

Clearly I’ve read it wrong. I blink and process the words a second time. It still says Adderall. Unscrewing the lid, I peer inside. It’s full. A full bottle of pills. What the fuck, Damien?

I bellow his name.

Sinking to the bed behind me, I stare at the bottle, unable to release the tight grip my hand has on it. I know what it is and what it does. As professional athletes we’re always lectured on the use of banned substances. Adderall is a form of amphetamine and forbidden, yet the drug is popular on campus because it gives you the same euphoric high that intense exercise does. It helps you focus and concentrate. It improves performance on the field. It does everything I need it to do.

Let me help you, the bottle whispers in a dark, seductive voice. An ugly desperation fills me. Like black, smoky tendrils, it coils its way up my spine and over me, imprisoning me in its inky darkness. I can’t succumb to it. Damn Damien for putting this temptation in my path. My hands shake as I find strength to screw the lid back on.

Damien pokes his head in my door. “What’s up?”

“What’s up?” I growl, holding up the bottle. “You’re giving me drugs, bonehead, and you ask me what’s up?”

His voice lowers. “It’s just Adderall. Everyone takes it.”

“I’m not everyone.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. Frustration has my head pounding so hard I fear an aneurysm. My life is balanced on a knife’s edge right now and my friend is offering me amphetamines? Not only that, the deep murky recesses of my mind are totally on board with the plan. What the fuck is wrong with me? “I’m a goddamn football player. I can’t take that shit.”

Damien moves further into my room, shutting the door behind him. “When was your last piss test?”

I fall back on my bed and throw an arm across my eyes. Maybe if I can’t see the bottle in my hand I’ll forget it’s there. “Why does that even matter?”

“It doesn’t. You hardly ever get tested anyway, right? No one’s gonna know if you take a couple of pills to help you out. You’ve been biting our heads off for two weeks. You need these. You’re tired and stressed and playoffs are just around the corner. Keep going like this and something’s gonna give. Just take a couple.” Damien shrugs like it’s no big deal. “What’s it gonna hurt?”

Drawing my arm from my eyes, I look from Damien back to the pills still clutched tight in my fist. I desperately want to believe what he says—that I need these. What other choice do I have? “How long do they stay in your body for?”

He shrugs again. “I don’t know. A couple of days maybe? Just drink a load of water and take a handful of aspirin to clear it out.”

Someone in the living room calls Damien’s name in a long, drunken slur. He leaves and I go back to staring at the bottle with tired, gritty eyes. Is it worth the risk? I know the drug policy back to front. A first positive test means mandatory drug evaluation and counseling, but it doesn’t mean getting kicked off the team.

Before I can second guess myself, I unscrew the lid and shake two pills into my palm. They’re tiny and don’t seem enough. I shake out a couple more. Picking up the lukewarm Gatorade on my bedside table, I swallow them down. Recapping the lid, I shove the evidence in my top draw. My actions have my heart pounding like I’ve just played the game of my life.

Resting my forearms on my knees, I hang my head low and take deep breaths as a sense of wrongness fills me. I shake it off and get to my feet. It’s too late for regret. The amphetamines are slowly dissolving and entering my bloodstream. There’s no going back now.

Jordan

Heading for the dining hall, I pick up my pace. Leah’s walking with me, filling me in on the movie she saw with Hayden last night. I don’t hear a word she says. I’m not sure I even recall the title. I’m too agitated and hungry. I’ve forgotten to bring lunch. Again. I can’t afford to keep buying it, but if I don’t eat this minute I’m going to start chewing the pages of my textbook.

This forgetfulness isn’t me. Neither is the lack of focus. Yesterday I forgot my lucky cleats for practice, and this morning I blanked out in class. It’s Brody. I just can’t stop thinking about him. He’s always there. Even in sleep. I wake in the mornings feeling alone, my skin feverish and my body aching.

“Goddamn flu,” I grouch and sniff, checking for a stuffed nose.

Leah’s prattle halts mid-sentence, her expression skeptical. “The flu? Since when? You never get sick.”

“I am now,” I snap.

“Flu my ass.” Her eyes narrow on my face. She’s taking in my dark circles and wan expression like a crime scene investigator. “You’ve got Madden fever.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” I quicken my pace, trying to outrun her imminent lecture. Everything was fairy dust and rainbows when Brody and I were dating. Now Leah mentally castrates him every time they cross paths. I was sparing on the details of our separation, but Leah’s blame is placed solely in Brody’s corner, which is where it should be. The jerk.

As if hearing my insult, Brody calls out my name from somewhere behind me. My heart leaps instantly, its beat evolving from fast to erratic. Students walking in front of me turn at the sound. The entire campus knows his voice. Hearing it speak my name is no doubt too good to ignore. Are they hoping for a spectacle? I don’t turn around. I have no intention of giving them one.

I keep moving swiftly along the path, my eyes fixed on the dining hall looming ahead like it’s the Holy Grail.

“Jordan! Wait up.”

His voice is light as if he’s happy to see me. It’s hard to believe. The last time we spoke he pretty much told me to get lost. The humiliation still smarts my skin like sunburn.

“Please!” Brody calls in a near shout, drawing even more attention.

My pace quickens further. I’m almost at the dining hall entrance when my arm is grabbed in a big, roughened palm. I’m spun around and slam into a wide, solid chest.

“Oomph!”

I’m given mere seconds to take Brody in before he grasps my face in his hands and crashes his lips down on mine. Shock stiffens me for a moment before my body takes the wheel and returns his kiss, reacting to him the way it’s never done for anyone else. It only makes me angrier.