The only thing I know for sure is that from this moment on nothing will ever be the same.

Chapter Twenty-One

THE BALANCING ACT

We fall asleep and when we wake up I realize that we’re not just stuck to the sheets, but to each other. As I try to peel myself off of her, I laugh and she opens her eyes.

“Where you going?”

I flop back down. “I had this idea that I’d go find some food in your kitchen, but I can’t be bothered.”

“You hungry?”

I nod and rub my hands over my face and through my hair. “Yeah. I should probably take a shower too but I don’t have any clean clothes with me. I’m going to have to leave some in your closet so I’m prepared after our next marathon. I’ll be one of those guys who brings over a few things at a time and suddenly I’m living here.”

She tips her head as she looks at me. She suddenly feels far away.

What’s that about?

“Hey, you’ll come to dinner at the folks this Thursday, right?”

She glances over at the clock. “I think I can come. Let me check my schedule.”

She has to check her schedule?

She smooths the sheets over her legs. “Do your parents know?”

“Know what?”

She waves her hand back and forth between us. “You know . . .”

“That I’m in love with you?”

She nods.

“Yes, they do. I’ve got to warn you, now that we’re together Ma is really going to amp up the marriage thing.”

There’s that faraway look again.

“Oh.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Like everything is moving so fast. You know I haven’t wanted to be in a relationship.”

I feel like she just kicked me in the gut, and I reel back. “Are you saying that hasn’t changed?”

“Not exactly. I love you, truly I do, and the sex . . . well, it’s phenomenal. But that doesn’t mean I want to suddenly set up house and be a full-on couple.”

The blood in my veins goes cold. “What do you want?”

“I don’t know . . .”

“I think you do.”

Looking up at me, her expression is hopeful as she bites her thumbnail. “I was thinking we can be like we’ve always been, but with sex.”

“So friends with benefits?” I grit my teeth.

She smiles like I’m going along with it. “Yeah, like that.”

“I see,” I say as I step out of bed. My stomach is churning and I’m sure as hell not hungry anymore. My instinct to flee that developed during my player days kicks in. It used to be when the girl got clingy after sex I’d get moving. The weird thing now is that the roles are kind of reversed, which actually makes me feel even more uncomfortable.

Searching for my clothes, I find them crumpled up on the floor. I pull on my boxers and shake out the slacks before pulling them on.

“What are you doing?” she asks, with a bewildered look.

“I think I’m going to get going. I really need a shower and clean clothes.”

“You could shower here. We could take one together. I’ve always wanted to try shower sex.”

Wow. It’s all about the sex. For a brief moment I regret sleeping with her, but then I remember how awesome it was and I get over it.

“I’ll take a rain check,” I say as I button up my shirt.

She gets out of bed, grabs her robe from the closet, and pulls it on.

As she ties her robe shut she looks up at me. “You know, I’m still a little foggy from all the sex and no sleep but can you tell me what’s going on—why you’re upset and rushing out of here? Can we talk this out?”

“I’m just tired,” I lie.

She arches her brow at me. “You can do better than that.”

“What about you? You seem so distant all of a sudden. At daybreak we were in each other’s arms confessing our love for each other, and now a few hours later we’re besties with benefits.”

She sits of the edge of the bed and stares out the window. “Maybe all that ‘couple talk’ you were going on about when we woke up made me uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I picked up on that. Like it’s the last thing you’d ever want.”

She holds her arms out and her eyes are wide. “But you’ve known since you met me that being part of a regular couple again was the last thing I wanted.”

I can’t argue with her. She’s only speaking the truth.

I nod, and sit down on the opposite side of the bed.

“And you’ve always known what I wanted,” I say.

“True . . . I just hoped . . .”

“As did I,” I admit. “Somehow I thought that if you loved me enough you would decide you wanted more after all.”

“So we were both wrong,” she says with an incredibly sad tone to her voice.

I lean forward and drop my head in my hands. My elbows are digging into my knees as if I’m trying to hold up the weight of the world instead of just my fat head.

A creepy feeling edges up my spine. “Is this about you wanting to still do hook-ups? Because this is making me feel like I’m just another one of your Tinder guys.”

Her mouth drops open and her eyebrows shoot up. “No! How can you even ask that? Besides after last night you’ve ruined me for anyone else.”

Her answer only makes me feel the smallest bit calmer. “Oh, this really sucks,” I groan.

“Can’t we just take things as they come?” She almost sounds like she’s pleading but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I consider the idea as my forehead presses into the palm of my hand. It’s not the worst idea. If we just act like friends who are in love and have a lot of sex, won’t we eventually evolve into being a couple? Before you know it we could have a couple of kids and a Spanish bungalow in Larchmont Village or Toluca Lake.

Sitting up, I glance over at her. She looks as upset as I feel. I want to go to her, but I know I’d regret it later.

Instead I stand, and pick up my jacket and shoes before clearing my throat.

“Look, we’re both exhausted and overwhelmed. I think we both need some time to think about things.”

“Time?” Elle asks, looking scared. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

I let out a sigh. “I know. I don’t like it either. Here’s the thing, after two long years of abstinence and those crazy meetings, two years of occasional dates with women who didn’t excite me at all, I’ve finally found what I want and I’m not settling for less. I want you, Elle.”

“I want you too,” she replies. Her voice sounds like she’s holding back tears.

I shake my head. “You know what I’m about. I want it all . . . including the emotional intimacy and connection. I want to know that you’re my future. This is a hell of a lot more than sex to me and I can’t believe that’s all this is to you.”

Her voice gets quiet. “And if I can’t be who you want me to be, that’s it for us?”

I consider what she’s asked carefully before I finally nod and look over at her with sad eyes. “It just wouldn’t make sense, if what we want is so fundamentally different.”

“No,” she whispers. I notice there are tears in her eyes but as much as I want to, this time I can’t be the one to dry them.

I shake my head. “Damn love.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything would be easier if I hadn’t fallen in love with you. Now I’m getting why all the tragic songs are about how love hurts.”

“Don’t say that, Paul. Love should be beautiful.”

I’m so tense my jaw locks. I’m getting frustrated and mad, which makes me feel stubborn. “It’s not so beautiful right now, is it?”

She casts her gaze downward. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Look, let’s just think about things . . . take some time, okay?”

Her whole face is drawn and her expression forlorn. “And then what?”

“We can agree right here that if one of us has a change of heart about the bigger picture we’ll let the other know.”

I sound more positive than I feel. I’m getting dizzy the longer I sit here and let the magic we had last night be swept aside by today’s new reality.

She lets out a ragged sigh. “It’s not going to happen, Paul. You’re not going to suddenly decide that I’m worth letting go of your big dreams of a together wife who wants a big family.”