Whatever. Rolling my eyes, I hang up. Then I leave my phone face down on my desk to go downstairs and distract my mother while James sneaks in.

Chapter Twenty

Now

The second “anniversary” of my sister’s death comes almost too quietly, and I leave Rhys’ apartment as soon as the first strains of light peek through his bedroom window. Although I know I’ll probably spend the majority of my fall break with him, this is the only day that I reserve exclusively for myself. He’s grieving too—I saw that much in his eyes last night as he held me close to him. Still, I can’t quite trust myself to be with him today when the only thing I’ll be able to think about is Lily.

It would be unfair to them both.

For the umpteenth time in the last several months, I reactivate my social media accounts but this time with the sole purpose of hunting down photos of my sister. My Facebook page is full of pictures of me with my friends, and I feel a pinch in my chest as I realize that I haven’t spoken to many of these people in months, haven’t even given them a second thought. But that pain in my heart—it’s nothing compared to the raw, desperate ache that encompasses me when I realize that I only have three pictures with my sister.

Just three, and in two of those we weren’t even focused toward the camera.

“What the hell was wrong with me?” I ask myself aloud in the emptiness of my room.

My hands are shaking as I click on her old page. She stares back at me from her profile picture, her dark blond hair tousled and flipped over her shoulder, her index finger held beneath her nostrils with a moustache drawn on it with a Sharpie. She’s intentionally making a duck face, and I vividly remember the day she asked me to take the photo.

“You look like an idiot,” I’d told her as I took her phone from her outstretched hand, and she grinned before resuming her ridiculous expression.

“That’s the point. Now, hurry up and take it before my lips go numb.”

As agonizing as it is, the memory still manages to bring a smile to my lips as I scroll through all the recent posts on her Wall from people who knew her, who haven’t forgotten her. Who’ve hung on to those memories she made with them. Reading these posts only make me miss her that much more.

I startle when I hear a loud ding. Dropping my gaze to the bottom of the screen, I cringe. James has sent me a message.

James Rowan: Hey, Evie ... I saw you were on—it’s been awhile. I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from today, but I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry. I miss Lily too. No matter what happened between us, I am always around if you need me. You take care of yourself.

He probably expects for me to flat out ignore him, but I’m feeling sentimental today. My reply is quick and simple—Thank you, James. You take care of yourself too. Then I turn off chat because there’s really no point in saying anything more.

After I turn on some music, I slowly start the process of going through Lily’s photos. There are so many folders and tags that I nearly miss the folder titled ME & E.V. I open it, feeling a fist grinding inside my ribcage as pictures of us smile back at me.  She’d posted a little of everything—the two of us fully decked out in winter gear and covered in snow during the ski trip we took during freshman year; a picture of me flipping off the camera with Lily giving me the side eye; a photo of us at junior prom taken just five months before she passed away.

I save every single photo of us together and choose a silly shot of us posing like Bond Girls by the pool at my parents’ house for my desktop background. I stare at it until my vision begins to blur, and finally, the tears start flowing freely down my cheeks.

I miss her. And I would give anything to change things, to change how I treated her.

***

In the days after that, things slowly start to creep back to normal. My suitemates and Corinne all come back to school on Tuesday along with everyone else returning from fall break. Although I miss her arrival thanks to being with Rhys at his apartment, as soon as I step into our room a little after ten, Corinne hops up from her bed with her curly hair flying all around her face. Her embrace knocks the wind out of me, and I stagger back.

“I got your messages,” she says breathlessly against my shoulder, “but things were so crazy I didn’t have a chance to call you back. I’m sorry.”

I lean away from her to find that she’s wearing a tiny smile. Still, the pain of the last week and a half is clearly visible in her green eyes. My chest is tight as I shake my head. “Don’t even worry about it.” Releasing her, I sit on the edge of my bed, and she follows suit. “How are your mom and sisters doing?”

Swallowing hard, she tilts her head to the side. “A little better. My mom is going to stay with my oldest sister and her family for a few weeks so she can get her head on straight. She asked me if I wanted to take a little time off school.” Letting out a choked sound, she shakes her head like she’s still trying to convince herself it’s a bad idea. “I think that would just make things worse for me. I’d rather be around other people who can take my mind off things.”

“Sounds smart.”

“What about you—what did you do during break?”

Aside from that one day I spent alone, my break was full of Rhys Delane—so much that my body is still feeling the effect of him. In an attempt to hide the flush that stains my skin, I glance down at my lap. “I played catch-up on some school work.”

Corinne doesn’t look the least bit convinced, and she inhales deeply. “You smell like cologne,” she points out.

“So.” I give her a piercing look. “Do you go around randomly sniffing cologne?”

Granting me the first genuine grin I’ve seen from her since before the break, she rests her forearms on her thighs and laughs. “No, but I do sniff good-smelling guys when they come to my room asking me to give my roommate a message.” Before I can get in a single word, she holds up her hand and squeezes her eyes shut. “You don’t even have to tell me. As long as your break was amazing—that’s all that matters.”

For the most part, it was, and I nod swiftly.

Stretching out on her bed, she stares up at the ceiling. “My boyfriend—or ex-boyfriend, whatever you want to call him—came over while he was in town for break. We talked for hours, and I told him about Daniel and Elliot and he gave me his ... list.  I think we’re going to try to make the long distance thing work.”

“Really?”

“Mmm hmm. The way I see it, it’s kind of silly to care about someone—genuinely care about them—and force yourselves apart just because you don’t think you can handle things.”

Stunned, I shake my head. “You leave for ten days and come back all philosophical.”

She’s quiet for a few moments but then she finally props herself up on her elbows and smiles sheepishly at me. “Actually ... he said that, I’m only paraphrasing.”

***

After Professor Cameron introduces me to the music she’s expecting me to sing for finals at the end of the semester—two pieces that are significantly more challenging than what I performed for my midterm—I finally get a taste of what Mac’s been warning me about.

“I’m terrified of this one,” I tell Rhys nearly three weeks after fall break is over. I try like hell not to start banging my forehead against the metal music stand in front of me. “I sound like a dying animal,” I add, and he chuckles from his spot behind the piano.

“You’re dramatic.” His lips move into a slow grin at the pointed look I give him. “You aced your performance midterm, so what makes you think you won’t do it again?”

Swiping up the sheet music, I wave it around. “Oh, I don’t know. The fact I can’t even hit half the notes.”