“You’re right,” I say on a sigh. Leave it to Mom to put everything in perspective. I only hope the day comes where Celia will count on me again, too.

Mom hops off the tailgate. “But I promise I’ll stay mum about your J.C. Penney catalog.” She breaks out into a feverish giggle and shakes her head. “Seriously, I can’t figure out what in the world you found enticing about old lady bras and girdles. You have to admit, it’s funny.”

I throw up the tailgate and wave her away with my hand. “I’m never gonna live that shit down. What can I say? Beggars can’t be choosers. Desperate times call for desperate measures. You have to make lemonade out of lemons—”

“Or porn out of Playtex?” She laughs.

“And you give me shit about private parts at the breakfast table? Seriously, woman, I need bleach for my ears. Isn’t there a rule about mothers using the word porn in front of their children? If there isn’t, there should be.”

Mom pats my cheek and shakes her head. “When have you ever known me to follow the rules?” She walks back to the house, barefoot and wild-haired. That’s my mom, carefree and full of fire. She looks back over her shoulder and smiles. “Give it time, Cain, she’ll find her fire. Be patient.”

Patience. Right. That’s never been my strong suit.

Adam meets us at the pond, and the fishing commences. He hasn’t caught one fish all morning, but he’s still got this dopey smile plastered on his face. It’s sickening, really.

According to Adam, the birds are singing, the bees are buzzing, the flowers are blooming, and whatever other happy horseshit he can conjure up. The truth of it is, Sara finally forgave his groveling ass, and he’s starry eyed in love. I’m happy for him, I am. It couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy—a more deserving family. It doesn’t mean I’m in the right headspace to watch it. The only thing warming my bed is Biz, and he’s way too fucking hairy for my taste. Don’t even get me started on his atrocious breath.

“Sara and the kids should be on the way to the movies by now. She took them to Alex’s art class this morning. Maybe I’ll call and see how things are going,” he says as he fishes his phone out of his pocket.

“Leave ‘em alone. They have your number. They’ll call if they need you. Plus, it’ll look like you don’t trust Sara if you call.” I grab his phone out of his hand before he can dial the number. His home screen is filled with Sara, Lily, and Gage’s laughing faces, all smushed together to fit in the picture. I hold the phone up and show it to Will. “Just in case you’re wondering, this is one of the first signs that a man has lost his balls.”

Adam grabs the phone away from me while Will howls with laughter. “Fuck y’all.” Adam scowls at both of us then turns his attention to the screen. And the dopey smile is back.

“Dude, I don’t know what to say. You’re just so … domesticated.” Will spits the word out of his mouth like it tastes disgusting on his tongue. I guess it does if you’re a nineteen-year-old college kid.

To me, the word tastes like apple pie, meat lover’s pizza, Mo’s homemade lasagna, and any other comfort food I can imagine. I’m just giving Adam a hard time, and if I’m being honest, my bitterness has come out to play. Jealousy feels like a cowboy’s blue jeans—way too fucking tight in all the wrong places. I’ve got to get out of this funk.

“I’ve got two kids, man. I was domesticated while you were having wet dreams about Peggy Sue from algebra class in the ninth grade. I let go of wild a long time ago. I love my kids, and Sara is…” He closes his eyes and inhales deep. “She’s the cherry on top of a great fucking life.”

I slap his back and give him a quick nod. “I’m happy for you, man … now put your vagina away and let’s catch some fish.”

Before Adam can tell me to fuck off, my text message alert interrupts. I fish my phone from my pocket, and I’m shocked to see TINK on the screen. It’s been radio silence for weeks, so I can’t imagine what she would be texting about. I feel the stirrings of hope deep in my stomach, but I try to swallow it down. For all I know, her hot water heater busted, so she’s calling the landlord to fix it.

Tink: Hey, Mr. Craig is back from the hospital, and I’m making a home visit this afternoon around three o’clock. I know you said I shouldn’t go alone, so you’re welcome to come.

I stare at the screen, waiting for the answer to come to me. She’s right; I don’t want her on that side of town by herself. While I’m thinking, my phone pings again.

Tink: He asked about you when I called him. I think he’d enjoy seeing you.

I would like to see him, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing. Yes, I need to be patient, but that doesn’t mean I should be a doormat. Another ping.

Tink: And I’d enjoy visiting with you, too … Anyway, I’ll be leaving the clinic about 2:45, if you’d like to come.

“Musings from Never Never Land?” Adam asks with a low chuckle.

“Huh?”

“Is that Celia?”

“Yeah.”

There’s a part of me that wants to jump in my truck and break every speed limit to spend time with her. My heart wants the opportunity to change her mind. My soul craves her company. Thankfully, my head is still in the game. Because Celia may have reached out to me, but this meeting is on her terms. It would be so easy to fall back into the friend routine with her, but that’s a step backward I’m unwilling to take.

“Adam, what time is Sara due back with the kids?”

“She’s planning to take them for ice cream after the movie, so I’d say about four-thirty. Why?”

“Because I need a favor.”

“Garden” by Pearl Jam

Present Day

I RAISE AND lower my fist three times before I decide to knock on the door. After two light taps, I push up my purse strap on my shoulder and wait. In my other hand, I clench the envelope containing this month’s rent—also known as my excuse for stopping by Cain’s apartment.

I need to see him.

Last week, I sat inside the clinic waiting for him, going over all the things I wanted to tell him—Eddie’s first vet visit that dissolved into a fit of claws and hisses, my zoo trip with Lily and Gage with the spitting llamas, and every other little thing that happened in these excruciatingly long weeks without him. Mostly, I just wanted to hear his voice and make him laugh. I swear, his laugh should be bottled up and sold as an anti-depressant. Sure, Mr. Craig wanted to see him, too, but I may be guilty of suggesting Cain tag along for the visit with me.

When Adam showed up in Cain’s place, it took every ounce of willpower to keep my tears at bay. Adam tried his best to lighten the mood and pretend he didn’t notice the crushed look on my face. It killed me to think Cain didn’t want to see me as badly as I wanted to see him. Has he already moved on?

I knock again, a little louder this time, and the door edges open. I peer through the crack into his apartment, taking the unlocked and unlatched door as a silent form of welcome. I’ll take what I can get these days.

Cain lives in a loft on top of an antique shop in downtown Providence. The brick walls, exposed beams, and oversized leather furniture scream masculinity, very similar to the owner. The room is perfectly still, but as I look over the open space, my eyes land on the man in question.