“Tuesday the second. Today has been a bad day. I’m sick of feeling so weak. Why can’t I just feel peace? Why does it have to be so hard?” I read aloud in a shaky voice, scanning the pages filled with my scrawled handwriting. “I don’t want to feel like this, like I’m in a constant state of anguish. Why can’t I just pick myself up? I know I’m playing the victim card, but I can’t stop. I hate that about me. I hate how this controls me. That I can’t just wake up and be okay.” I begin to cry through my words, resenting every moment of it. My innermost thoughts spew out of me, holding me together, but at the same time, they possess the strength to break me.

“Very good, Holly.” She smiles her gentle smile. “Can you tell me why you think you have a hard time reading your diary back to me?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes, when I start going down the path of feeling sorry for myself, I can’t stop. It’s like I work so hard trying to feel okay, but then I do this and feel worse.” I shrug, not really understanding why I have to relive it over and over.

“Well, that’s the purpose of these exercises. You’re not playing the victim, Holly. You are a victim. Getting these feelings out is normal. You’re not going to break. It’s okay to feel those things. They are a normal reaction to what you have experienced.”

“But is it? Shouldn’t I be over this by now? I feel like I need to just get over it, get over this pain, this loss, but I can’t and it’s messing with my head.” I let out a shaky breath. This panic consumes me. It takes everyday things and makes them impossible to endure. When will it all be okay?

“Holly, you experienced something that was life threatening. You were shot. The same bullet killed your child. That is what happened to you. That won’t ever leave you, so it’s okay to be feeling these emotions. It doesn’t make you weak, or helpless. You had something taken from you. You need to stop worrying about how other people expect you to act, or be. There is no shame in feeling like you can’t handle the stress of what you went through. There is no shame in wanting to curl up in your bed and feel like you don’t want to face the world. What’s not okay is hiding these feelings. If you don’t talk about what you’re trying to bury, then you aren’t going to work through this and move forward with your life.” I know what she is saying is right, but how do you try to explain to someone who doesn’t understand what you are going through? I don’t want to bring down my friends or my family.

“I just wish this feeling of dread would go away. That it wasn’t so hard to roll out of bed.”

“You need more time and you need to let people in. I think you need to tell Sy about the baby,” she insists and I know she is right. I know telling Sy is something that needs to be done. How do I even begin to explain my mourning for the loss of someone whose existence was kept secret in the first place?

“I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

“What are you so afraid of?” she asks, eyeing me carefully. This is something we have discussed many times in the last few weeks, but I don’t know what is holding me back from telling him. It’s not that I’m afraid of him, but more of what he will say.

“That he will look at it as something that was insignificant and dismiss my loss.” I let the truth come out with no hesitation. It frightens me more than anything else.

“Do you honestly believe that?” She sounds shocked, but she doesn’t know the situation like I do. He might be in my space now, but before the shooting, the man didn’t want anything to do with me.

“I don’t know what I believe anymore.”

“That’s what we have to work on, Holly, getting you to believe again.”

***

“So, he just followed you to work, spent all day at the front of the store, and then followed you home. You both ate in silence, then he left?” Kadence asks, sitting across from me in our favorite coffee shop a week after Sy’s weird stalker day. I don’t know why I even let on about my strange night with Sy, but he never told me why the club was watching out, so I wanted to know what was going on. I haven’t seen anyone else watching me, so what game is he playing?

“Yes, Kadence, he told me it was club business,” I tell her, taking a sip of my coffee.

“Well, I have no idea why he would tell you that. Nix hasn’t warned me at all, and considering all that’s happened, he would have told me, Holly.” I know she’s right. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth. I just don’t understand what he’s up to.

“Well, looks like I was played.”

“Or maybe he is done waiting like he said,” she adds. I don’t reply. I watch as she tries to work her brain to come up with a way to talk about it. “Are you planning on telling him?” she asks over her mug of coffee.

“I’m getting there,” I mumble. I really am. I know I have to tell him, that he deserves to know. I’m just working up to it.

“Well, the sooner the better,” she adds, knowing she can’t push me.

“So, how are the wedding plans going?” I ask, hoping to get off this subject.

“We’re going dress shopping next week, so make yourself available,” she announces, and I fight my need to come up with an excuse not to go. “You know, I’m kind of enjoying this new dynamic to our relationship,” she laughs, watching me work through my need to say no. I know she’s joking. Hell, it is laughable; there’s no denying that. Five months ago, I would have been all over this. Now, I’m fighting my panic at even the thought of going out.

“I didn’t mean that,” she rushes out, reaching for my hand when I don’t laugh at her attempt to joke. I wish I could go back to the way we were before, when she was the one hiding away in our apartment, keeping to herself while I had the carefree attitude.

“But it’s true, isn’t it?” I squeeze her back. She looks at me with heartache, but I can't get drawn into it. I need to move past this and not get stuck again.

“It was a stupid joke,” she whispers, but I won’t let her beat herself up about it.

“I’m getting there,” I confide. “Slowly but surely. Just give me some more time.”

“I love you, Holly. You know that, right?”

“I do and I love you, too,” I reply sincerely. “Now, let’s talk about this bachelorette party. Can we do Vegas?” I force myself to be happy for her. I’m her maid of honor; this is what I need to do. Besides, keeping my mind busy will help me stop thinking about things that need to be forgotten.

“Oh, Nix will not be down with that,” she shakes her head, but her smile tells me she would risk it.

“Okay, leave it with me,” I tell her, knowing I’ll be limited with that man of hers.

“Just, please, whatever you do, do not make me wear something ridiculous.”

“Umm, who are you talking to? I’ll make you look good. Don’t stress,” I say, reaching for my phone when it vibrates. Picking it up, my stomach flutters when I see his name flash on my screen. I hate myself for it, considering I’ve worked so hard to keep him at arms length the last few weeks. But after the party and now dinner, I can’t hide my smile when I see his name on the screen.

Sunshine: Are you busy tonight?

I look at the screen, wondering what alternate universe I’m living in when Sy messages me asking if I’m busy.

Me: No, why?

I quickly type back and place the phone on the table to stop myself from over analyzing my reply. Why did I tell him that?

“So, when do you want to do this? Same weekend as the boys’ bachelor party?” I ask, giving Kadence my attention again.

“No, we’ll have to do separate dates. We have Z,” she says, watching me carefully when my phone beeps again. I pick it up, ignoring her smirk and read his new message.

Sunshine: I’ll be over at 5pm

I check the time and see I have a couple of hours.

“You okay?” Kadence finally gives in and asks.

“Yeah,” I tell her, not sure why I don’t want to fill her in on Sy’s message, or him coming over again. Something in me wants to keep it a secret from everyone around us, even her.