He exhaled and his shoulders sagged. “I don’t know. Emma says that I’m afraid of change, and I just want everything to stay the same.” His voice was faint and I could barely hear him over the thudding in my ears. Fuck. This is what this felt like. I’d wondered for a while how I’d feel if and when Luke and Emma got married or had kids.

“Well that’s true.”

“I guess. But it’s not just that . . . I don’t think I’m that kind of guy.”

“What kind of guy?” I was intrigued. How did he see himself and his relationship with Emma? I mean, I was totally biased of course, but I just didn’t get them as a couple. They didn’t seem to like spending time together.

“The marrying kind, I suppose.” He looked at me and I raised my eyebrows. “Do I sound like a tit?”

I laughed, relieved to be normal for just a few seconds. “Maybe a little.”

“I don’t mean that I’m a player and I need my freedom. I’ve never cheated on Emma or anyone else. It’s just, I don’t see the point in marriage.”

“But if it’s important to her and you love her . . .” Say no. Say you love me.

“Right. Yes.”

“Then . . . if you’re not bothered but you just don’t believe in the institution, I . . . You could do it—for her. Maybe you give her what she needs?” Was I really trying to talk Luke into marrying someone who wasn’t me?

“Even though I don’t think that’s what I want? It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage. I do. I believed in it for my parents. But for me? I just don’t think it fits.”

I set my sandwich down in front of me. My appetite had officially died. This conversation was not how I imagined spending my lunch hour. “What are you going to do?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. She really wants this, and kids and everything.” It wasn’t a surprise, but hearing it made it real. A selfish part of me was relieved I was dating Richard. It was evidence that one part of my brain could use to show the other part that there wasn’t a real reason to be devastated because, after all, I had a boyfriend.

“You don’t want kids?”

“Not really. Certainly not yet. But it’s clearly been on Emma’s mind a while. God, I’m sorry to be bending your ear about this. It’s a first world problem compared to the stuff you’ve got going on at work. You’re right. I am a tit.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “I didn’t say that.”

“Let’s talk about you. If it’s serious with Richard, how come we haven’t met him yet?” he asked.

I couldn’t picture that moment. Luke meeting Richard wasn’t something I wanted to happen anytime soon. I didn’t want to see them together. I knew I’d compare the two of them more than I did already, and Richard would likely come off the loser. He didn’t deserve that. He was a good guy and a great catch. Everyone at the hospital continually told me how lucky I was, how perfect we were for each other.

“Just busy, I guess,” I replied. “What else is going on with you? How’s work?” I hoped he’d take the hint and change the subject.

“Busy. They confirmed they’re putting me up for partnership this year.”

“Wow, Luke, that’s amazing.” I grinned at him. He’d worked so hard for so long. I was happy that he was finally starting to see some rewards. He was one of life’s good guys. He’d gained success through determination and hard work, not politicking and backstabbing. He deserved this.

He smiled back, a little embarrassed. “There are no guarantees. I’d be one of the youngest partners ever made up if I got it, so . . .”

For a second, I forgot about the distance I was supposed to be putting between us, and I grabbed his hand and squeezed. “I’m proud of you,” I said. “Your parents would be so, so proud.” The death of Luke’s mum and dad just before he started college had been horrific, but he’d kept it together, scooped up Haven and given her everything she needed emotionally. His college work had never wavered; he’d always kept his grades up at the same time as making sure Haven was looked after. I’d always been amazed at how adult he’d become, overnight. He’d inherited the mantle of the head of his family, and it was a responsibility he took seriously. He wanted to live the legacy of his parents—that kind, honest, hardworking people would win out in the end.

He looked down at the table and nodded, twisting his wrist so we were holding hands across the table. “Promise me you won’t change, that I won’t lose you, Ash,” he said, his voice serious as he glanced up at me from under his brows.

My breath hitched at his request and my forehead crinkled. What was he asking me?

“Here she is,” Richard’s familiar voice came from behind me. “I thought I might catch you in here.” The room tilted slightly, and I wondered if it was the sensation people felt just before they fainted. I turned my head and tried to pull my hand from Luke’s. He resisted at first, but as he took in what was happening, he released me. The cool Formica soothed my tingling palm.

If I closed my eyes, could I transport myself somewhere else, so the moment that was about to happen, wouldn’t happen? It felt as though the room slowed down and I was watching two airplanes about to collide. This was not what I wanted. Luke was Luke. Richard was Richard. For me, they existed in parallel universes, and if they met, everything would explode or implode, or something equally terrible would happen.

Richard bent and kissed my forehead and quickly turned to Luke, holding out his right hand. “I’m Richard, Ash’s boyfriend.” His smile met his eyes and I could tell that there was no territory claiming. He wasn’t trying to make a point. He asked often about my friends and I imagine he was pleased to finally meet one of them.

I continued to stare at the table as Luke stood and shook Richard’s hand. “I’m Luke,” he said. He gave no explanation as to his relationship with me. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was confident that Richard would know who he was, or because Luke wanted to keep him guessing.

“Oh, right. Haven’s brother,” Richard said. Assisted by my description, he knew Luke as simply my best friend’s sibling. And that was what I needed him to be. “Can I join you?”

My stomach flipped up in my chest. I stood abruptly, the legs of my chair tearing against the floor. “Actually, I need to get back,” I said. I flicked a glance at Luke, urging him to back me up.

“Yeah, me too,” Luke replied after a second’s hesitation, and I dared to take a breath.

I pulled on my jacket and picked up my half-eaten sandwich, wrapping it back in its wax paper then slipping it into my bag. “I’ll see you later,” I said, glancing at Richard.

He raised his eyebrows and nodded, his face warm and open. “Nice to meet you, Luke.” He wasn’t jealous or judgmental. He was honest and kind, like Luke.

Except that he wasn’t Luke.

“And you. I’m sure I’ll see you again,” Luke said as he smiled at Richard.

I shot out of the door, not waiting to see if Luke was following me. Out in the fresh spring air, I paused. How was I going to explain to him that I’d cut our lunch short as soon as Richard had arrived? I heard the café door open and Luke appeared at my side.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, trying to sound normal. I started to walk back toward the hospital. “So what are you working on at the moment?” I was desperate not to mention what had just happened, and hopeful that he’d not sensed any kind of atmosphere that I’d singlehandedly created.

Luke was happily diverted. “You know I can’t tell you that because it’s classified.”

I laughed. He loved to pretend his job was slightly more interesting than it was. “You’re such a dork. It doesn’t make you sound like James Bond, you know.”

“What does it make me sound like?”

“Like a frustrated lawyer who is trying to be wilder than he is,” I said.

He grinned. “You’re killing me. You know all my secrets.”

My stomach lilted. It was true. I knew his and he knew mine.