She assumed it still had to do with yesterday. He was still upset about it, but he was trying to move past the feeling, act normal, forget the pain with a pretense of happiness.
She understood. She’d felt that way before too. As if once you acted happy long enough, you could eventually feel that way again.
They left the car in the parking lot and started out on a trail that went over hills and grassland. It was fine. Caleb obviously wasn’t going to make her do anything that was traumatic for her. He loved her and wouldn’t want to hurt her.
So Kelly was feeling relaxed and better about the whole situation about an hour into the hike when the path wound around a hill and disappeared into a forested area.
She stopped short.
Caleb stopped too, looking masculine and sexy with wind-ruffled hair and a sheen of perspiration on his skin. The day was warm, and the sun was bright.
“I guess we should turn back,” Kelly said, feeling stupid for her phobia but recognizing her heart rate’s acceleration at just the sight of the trees.
“We don’t have to,” Caleb said, moving a hand to the middle of her back and resting it there.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean we can try to keep going, if you’re up to it.”
She bit her lip and tried to control her breathing. “You know I’m not. You know what the woods do to me.”
“Yeah. I know. But don’t you want to get over it?” His voice was level, even, very controlled, like he was trying to calm a spooked animal.
“Of course I do.” She was starting to get a little annoyed, since he knew better than to push her like this. “But I can’t get over it. I’ve tried. It’s not just something you can force yourself through.”
“You went into the woods on the first day we met.”
“I know. But just the edges, and it was terrifying to do even that. I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t challenged me the way you had.”
“So we’ll just go into the edges now. We don’t have to go any farther than you want.”
She’d been staring at the trail disappearing into the trees, but now she glared up at him. “Why are you doing this? You know I have the phobia.”
“I know.” His face was a little strange—set, as if he’d determined something he was going through with now. Maybe he’d planned this whole thing from the beginning. “But I love you, and I’m not okay with you just living with something that cripples you like this. I want you to get better, and that means facing what you’re afraid of.”
If he’d posed it in any other way, she would have refused. But there was no objection she could give to what he’d said.
He did love her. She knew it. He wanted what was best for her. And if she didn’t even try to go into the woods right now—when he wanted her to get better—it would be like throwing his love back in his face.
She couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do it.
“Okay,” she mumbled, swallowing over her fear. “I’ll try. But I don’t think I’ll get very far. I’ve tried to force myself before, and I’ve never been able to do it.”
“Just go as far as you can,” he murmured, stroking her back. “I’ll be right here with you.”
“Okay.” She took a long, shaky breath. “Okay.”
They walked slowly across the distance to the first of the trees, and Kelly’s fear intensified the closer they got. Caleb didn’t say anything, and she wasn’t capable of speaking when they got to the very edge.
He stood beside her, and she knew he was watching her, but she couldn’t look at anything but the tangle of branches, broken only by the well-worn trail cutting through them.
She’d tried before. The fear wasn’t something you could just talk yourself out of.
But Caleb wanted her to do this. He wanted her to heal.
And she wanted to heal too.
So she took the first step past the border of the woods.
Her vision blurred as panic spiraled up, and she reached out blindly toward Caleb beside her.
She found his shirt and clung to it, fisting her fingers in the fabric, and he pressed his hand against her back again.
“I’m right here,” he murmured. “Take another step.”
She did as he said, her knees so weak she could feel them buckling. She wasn’t sure she could have even kept standing had Caleb not been beside her—strong and solid as she held on to him, as he braced her with his hand on her back.
She kept walking, barely seeing what was in front of her. She was panting so loud it felt like it could be heard through the whole forest.
Eventually she was so far in that she couldn’t see the end of the trail that led back out into the sunlight. It was nothing but trees and shadows and twisted memories and dark secrets hiding behind every trunk. All around her. Surrounding her. Swarming in on her.
She choked on the fear and bent over at the waist, trying to draw in a full breath.
Caleb was pulling her up, pulling her against him.
“I can’t breathe,” she gasped, burying her face in his chest, trying to drown out the knowledge of the woods all around her.
“Yes, you can,” he murmured. “Take a breath right now.”
She did as he said and was surprised to feel air filling her lungs. She let it out in a gust and sucked in another breath. She was shaking helplessly and would have fallen if Caleb hadn’t been holding her up.
Surely he would let her go back now. He wouldn’t want her to suffer like this.
“Let’s go a little farther,” he said. “You’re doing fine.”
“I’m not doing fine. I can’t.” She literally couldn’t make herself move.
“Yes, you can. Walk with me.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and forced her to move with him, her legs barely keeping up with his stride.
Then they were even deeper, and she couldn’t breathe again.
She finally had to stop because her ears were roaring with fear and her feet were so cold she could no longer feel them. “Please don’t make me go any farther,” she gasped, collapsing against his chest.
He felt strong and stable and confident, and she was none of those things. She was a blubbering mess who could barely even stand up.
He kept his arms around her to support her, and he let her hide her face in his shirt for a minute. But then he pulled back and made her stand on her own. “What do you remember?” he asked.
There was something strange about his face, something almost unnatural. She didn’t understand it, but her mind was such a tangle of desperation that she was probably projecting onto him.
She knew what he was asking. He was still trying to help her. Trying to get her to face things she just couldn’t face.
“I can’t,” she gasped, hugging her arms to her belly since he wouldn’t let her cling to him anymore. There were tears streaming down her face, but she had no idea where they’d come from.
“Yes, you can. Tell me what you remember.”
“I was…” She closed her eyes and squeezed herself with her arms. “I was with my dad. I’d run ahead. He was telling me to wait.”
“And you wouldn’t wait?”
“No. I didn’t listen to him. He finally had to yell at me.” She was practically sobbing now, bent over from the weight of the emotion, the memory, the crippling fear.
“Then what?” Caleb’s voice sounded almost merciless, but that would have been a projection too.
“Then I heard…I heard…”
“What?”
“A shot. A loud noise. I didn’t know what it was.”
“What did you do?”
“I waited for a long time. Then I went to find him.” She rubbed her ears and her nose with her sleeve, but there was nothing she could do to stop herself from crying.
“What did you find?”
“He was shot. His head was blown off. He was…” She choked. Literally choked. The force of the air strangled in her windpipe pushed her to the ground, and she kept gagging on her hands and knees in the dirt.
“Take a breath, Kelly. Take a real breath.”
She tried. She really tried. But she couldn’t. She just kept choking. She wanted Caleb to help her, to take her in his arms, to carry her out of the woods. But he didn’t.