Can I face the cretin that killed my brother? Will it add to the weight of this whole situation, or will it give me some kind of closure?

“You there?” the female voice trills, reminding me she’s still on the line.

“On second thought, I don’t know if I can. This shit is hard enough.”

“I understand. Just to let you know, the coroner’s inquest is now adjourned pending the Criminal Court hearing.”

“Thanks for ringing.”

“If you need anything, please call me.”

“Thanks.”

I turn my phone off and slip it back in my jacket pocket.

I couldn’t protect him out in the real world, and there was no way I could’ve protected him in there. That’s what the custodians are supposed to do. They’re supposed to make sure that people are safe … that they’re not stabbed to death.

From the moment I saw V on that cold metal trolley, guilt has surrounded me in a deathly fog. I failed him and failed my mother.

A giant of a man in a black suit, with a strong jaw and sandy brown hair appears out of nowhere, making me jump.

“Are you De Luca?” he asks in a deep voice.

I wipe the wetness from my cheeks. “Not now, mate.”

“I’m Ryan. Jones sent me out here to—”

“The cops just told me they charged someone with my brother’s murder. I need a fuckin’ minute.”

“Oh, man. Shit,” he curses, running his fingers across his jaw.

“What?”

“Are you Vinnie’s brother?”

“How did you …”

“I’m a cop. I’m really sorry for your loss, man.”

“What the hell do you know about it?”

“I’ve been doing some work on the affiliates of the guy that’s been charged.”

I let out a heavy sigh, and it feels as if part of my spirit has left with it. I’m weary. I’m so over this shit. I don’t know if I have the strength to put on a brave face today, even though I owe it to my friends.

“The only justice for that piece of scum is to let him get raped and bleed out like Vinnie did.”

“I know it’s not much comfort to you right now, but there’s a taskforce working around the clock on this club, among others.”

“Still doesn’t bring him back.”

“You guys, we need to get the hell inside,” Stone says, as he jogs towards us. “Jones is, well, sweating like a manwhore in church.”

“I just needed a minute,” I choke out. I comb my trembling fingers through my hair and suck in a deep breath. “Let’s get this manwhore married, then.”

We slip in the side door to the church and make our way to the groom. The deep lines across Jones’s brow fade as his eyes connect with mine.

“Sorry, Jones. Got some shitty news. I’m good.” I clear my throat and smooth my clammy hands down the lapels of my suit jacket.

“Don’t be. Whatever it is, I’m here for you,” he says, and grips my shoulder, drawing me into a hug.

I bite down on my bottom lip. It’s a fuckin’ struggle not to cry.

Murder.

A slow violin piece fills the expanse of the church, momentarily silencing the chatter amongst guests.

“Would you please stand,” the minister announces. I drag a deep breath through my runny nose, and tell myself to man up.

The music grows louder and then Vicky walks down the aisle, smiling and nodding at familiar faces as she approaches.

I wait anxiously for the next in line. My heartbeat quickens. I spot the dreamy blonde waves of her hair first, and gulp around the lump in my throat as I take in all her glory. The aisle might as well be a catwalk. The short creamy-coloured dress flows at the sides of her thighs as it moves with each step. The shoes, holy fuck, the shoes. I love her in her Doc Martens, but in these strappy silver hard-on-provoking heels? So sexy.

When her eyes meet mine, her shoulders visibly drop. The smile that spreads across her glossy pink lips is nothing short of beautiful. Having her close lifts some of the weight from my chest, making it easier to breathe.

When April makes her journey down the aisle, with Mac proudly at her side, I turn to look at my best mate. Wow. Never have I seen a man smile like this before. I don’t know whether he’s nervous, about to break out into laughter or burst into tears. From the look of his glassy eyes, I’d say crying is a real possibility. I could give him shit about it, but I won’t. The nuts and bolts of it are that he’s a softy when it comes to his woman. I admire that.

The minister takes over proceedings, and guides Jones and April in their vows. When I’m asked for the rings, I hand them over as if I’m operating on autopilot. I’m here in body, but in spirit I’m standing at the cemetery.

It’s cold, just like it was the day we buried him. As I stand at the foot of his grave, I apologise to him once more. I’m sorry, brother. A million fucking times, I’m sorry.

I’ll never forget how small he looked in that coffin, how his skin felt cool and waxy beneath my fingers.

“Rocco?” Suds says, gripping my forearm. It takes a few blinks before I realise where I am. Jesus, I’m out of it. “We need to sign,” she whispers into the shell of my ear.

“Right,” I mutter, as I clear the deathly visions from my head.

As we sign the paperwork as witnesses, I can’t stop staring at Suds. She’s like some kind of apparition. An angel in a walking wet dream.

“What?” Soph says, with her brows pulled tight together.

“Huh?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

I shake my head.

“You’ve got nothing to say?”

“You’re beautiful.” And I wanna bury myself in you.

“You scrub up alright too, grease monkey.” She winks and then takes her position on the other side of the aisle, beside Vicky.

“Now we get to the fun stuff,” the minister says. “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

The church fills with wolf whistles and cheers as Jones dips April and kisses the ever-loving fuck out her. In front of all these people, he kisses her as if he doesn’t give a shit who’s watching. When they come up for air, April is clutching at her chest and her face and chest are flushed. The two lovebirds laugh together and then hold each other, whispering and revelling in the moment.

For the first time in a long time, I know what I want.

I want that.

I want someone to look at me like April does Jones. I want that heat, that passion, that friendship and that understanding.

I glance over, and Suds is talking with Vicky. She glances up and our eyes connect.

I want that girl.

****

“Next up, we have the best man speech with Rocco De Luca,” Nathan says, and hands over the microphone.

Polite claps fill the room, but everyone on the bridal table wolf whistles. I shake my head as I chuckle. I love these guys.

I look out to the sea of well-dressed people, their eyes eagerly waiting for some words of wisdom. Not one for public speaking, I pretend for a moment that they’re all wearing MX gear. I’ll like ’em better this way.

“I’m not big on words, so I promise this’ll be brief. Jones is my brother. My family. I couldn’t be happier today, seeing these two tie the knot and I’m privileged to have stood beside you today as your best man.” I swallow down and loosen my tie. Sweat beads across my forehead. “I lost someone close recently and had it not been for some special people in this room I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through it. Jones, today you married the love of your life. As husband and wife, I just know you have an awesome future ahead. With the way you two can’t keep your hands off each other, it won’t be long before you have a family of your own.”

The newlyweds lean in and kiss each other, drawing an echo of ahs and aws from the room.

I reach out and place my hand on Jones’s shoulder, looking my mate in the face. I want him to know I’m sincere about what I say next. “It’s taken some time and some life lessons, but I’ve come to realise that I want what you guys have, and I hope one day soon I’ll get that chance. With any luck, in years from now our kids will be racing around together.”