Suds hurries to the door, then turns and stares longingly as she grips the door handle. She gives me a soft smile and leaves the room. I stare at the imperfections in the ceiling as the water pipes groan.

Ask her to stay.

I send Mac a text, telling him I’m not well and I can’t make it in today. I need to buy some time before I reveal the real reason why.

Ten minutes later, Suds is sitting on the edge of my bed dressed in a black long-sleeved shirt, jeans and her Doc Martens. There’s no escaping her puffy eyes. It looks as if she had trouble sleeping, too.

She leans over and kisses my forehead, her soft, sticky lips leaving remnants on my skin.

I fight with myself not to give in, not to drag her back into bed and hold her so I can focus on her and shut everything else out.

“You need anything, you call. ’Kay?”

“’Kay.”

I watch her walk out that door and wonder where in the hell I’m gonna start.

****

Suds comes in the door a little after five. I take my head out of my hands and stare at the mountain of paperwork spread across the dining table. I have a splitting headache, and I’m running on exhaust fumes. There’s nothin’ in the tank. My head is clouded with thoughts of timber coffins and words of comfort from Father Michael. He was there when each of my parents passed. When I saw him today, he was shocked by the news about V.

“Hey,” she says and slowly approaches the table with two white plastic bags. The strong smell of spices has my stomach growling. “I brought Thai. I didn’t want you to have to think about cooking or anything,” she says, stammering over her words.

This girl.

“Thanks,” I mutter, as I shuffle the papers into a pile and shove them to the end of the table.

Suds places the bags down and returns with plates and cutlery. She sits opposite me and hands me a white dinner plate.

“Did you eat anything today?” she asks, narrowing her eyes as she scours my face. “You look pale.”

“A bit of jelly, but that’s it.”

I’d contemplated tequila for breakfast, but all I could find was an empty bottle in the recycling bin. Suds to the rescue.

“Not enough,” she says, pointing a finger at me before handing me a knife and fork. Suds scoops some Pad Thai onto my plate, and then her own. “Eat,” she bosses.

I scoop in a mouthful, letting the flavours roll around my mouth to distract me from heavy thoughts.

“How was the last day?” I ask her. I don’t want to talk about me, or the fucked-up shit I’ve had to deal with today.

A weird look overcomes her face. “Good.”

“Just good? No farewell party?”

She shrugs. “Yeah, we’re gonna do something in a week or so.”

Did she cancel plans because of me?

“And you’re cool with that?”

“Yes. Now eat.”

We eat in silence, yet our eyes are glued to one another. I blink back tears as last night plays over in my head. She reaches her hand across the table, and I take a good hold of it as I finish my mouthful. These hands held me together last night.

I don’t have the balls to bring up what happened in my bed. While I’d wanted to do that to her for the longest time, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. How was it fair on her? I went to town on her. If she had told me to stop, I would have in a second flat. I’d thought somehow I could escape my thoughts by focusing on something I truly wanted.

There was no redemption in what I did. What I did was risk ruining something good … the only good thing in my life.

Her being here, holding my hand like this, means I haven’t completely fucked up. Thank fuck for that.

“Do you wanna talk about all the papers?” she asks, hesitation in her tone.

“Not tonight. I’ve had enough for today.”

Her hold on my hand tightens. “I can help if you need anything. ’Kay?”

I clear my throat. “There is something.”

The sincerity in her eyes is overwhelming, causing a sudden tightness in my chest. “Whatever you need,” she says.

“Can you call Mac and Jones and April and see if they wanna come over at some point? I’m gonna need to tell them what happened.”

“You want me to ring them now?” She lets go of my hand and reaches for her bag, which is hooked over the chair beside her.

“No,” I bark out. “Um, it’s late.” I’m not ready to tell other people yet.

“Tomorrow night?”

It’s gonna have to be. I rub at the back of my neck, digging my fingers into my flesh.

“Yeah. Tomorrow’d be good. I’m gonna have to take time off and sort all this shit out, and I don’t know—”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll ring them and invite them over for dinner. They can bring pizza or something. Yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Suds.”

“No worries. Anything else?”

I feel like the biggest pussy for asking this, but I don’t think I can lie in bed alone tonight. If I’m alone I know exactly where my thoughts are gonna lead me, and I’m too fucking fragile right now to be putting up any kind of fight.

“When we finish dinner, do you reckon you could lie with me ’til I fall asleep?” I’d ask her to stay in my bed for the night, but I don’t want to presume anything or push my luck.

She nods, and a soft smile curls at her pink lips. “Course. Whatever you need.”

****

SOPHIE

At six am, I peel myself from Rocco’s warm arms and take a shower. I’m numb to the raised toilet seat. If anything, it reminds me of the banter we get into. I couldn’t even have a go at him about it yesterday. Will this tragedy in his life change everything? Will Rocco recover from this?

As I blow-dry my hair, I contemplate how I’m going to handle today.

It’s my first day at my new job. I should be here.

I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t want to smother him. He managed okay without me yesterday, and I think being together last night helped.

I can’t call in sick in on my first day. That’d be career suicide, but what do I do? Does he even want me around?

I get myself dressed and decide that I’ll leave it up to him. He was ballsy enough to ask me to lie with him last night, so if he needs me today it’s his call.

My heels click on the timber floor as I walk with soft steps into his room.

He’s still face-down in the pillow. The muscles in his shoulders roll and flex as he moves onto his side to face me.

I straighten my dark grey pencil skirt, and fiddle with the buttons on my black silk top. Thank God I had a bit of extra cash from Vegas to buy a few key pieces for my new work wardrobe. I hope I look okay.

“I, ah, start my new job today,” I announce, with a shrug. He might think it’s weird starting on a Friday, but I wanted to start as soon as I could.

A slow grin tilts at the corner of his mouth. A mouth, might I add, that got real intimate with my lady parts less than forty-eight hours ago.

Nothing happened between us last night. Was it because we were both too exhausted? Too emotional? Rocco didn’t say anything about it, and neither did I. I don’t regret that it happened. I do think the timing was wrong. I just … don’t know what to make of it. The important thing is I’m here for him, whatever he needs.

“You look good enough to eat.” He diverts his penetrating gaze away and then rubs his eyes. He shakes his head, muttering something I don’t catch. “Sorry. Just pretend I kept my mouth shut.”

A tingle twinges in my lower belly. Oh my God, can this man eat pussy. If they had Olympics for pussy-eaters, then he’d be wearing gold for sure. I swallow down, and fiddle with my hair. The bun I put in now seems too tight.

“S’Okay. At least I know I look appetising.” Trying to make light of it seems like the only option.

Rocco closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. He huffs the air out through his nose and looks up at me. “First day, huh?”