Halle-fucking-lujah!

 

With the Jerk away in London, I was able to piece my life back together again. Jason still hadn’t contacted me, yet every week a realtor would show prospective buyers around. I wasn’t in a financial position to buy him out, so I settled for apartment hunting in a more affordable neighborhood. Nevertheless, I started packing my belongings and getting rid of items I no longer needed, like my MC Hammer pants from the nineties. There’s nostalgia and then there’s just plain hoarding. Hammer pants fall into the hoarding category.

As Marcus promised, we had fun. Fun was hitting the clubs, late night dinners, and of course, hot sex with a confirmed 27-year-old. He didn’t tell me directly but when he took a shower at my place, I ‘stumbled’ upon his license. On a drunk bender one night, he asked my age. I wasn’t going to lie, and when I asked him if he had a problem with that, he replied by taking me back to his place and making me come on his roommate’s expensive leather sofa.

He told me only after, his roommate was his cousin, Haden.

From that moment, we only ever had sex at my place.

The Jerk had virtually disappeared, and occasionally, Mr. Sadler would send out a group email in which Haden would respond. That was it in terms of contact. He never once tried to text or send me anything work-related, so it was easy to assume that drunken night in the alley was all in the past and could easily be forgotten.

Marcus was fun, he made me forget the stresses of everyday life, including my bad bout with the flu a couple of weeks back. I wasn’t sure that I saw it going anywhere, I simply enjoyed his company and for once in my life, I was happy to just go with the flow. Very un-Presley like.

Then it all went pear shaped—he said he loved me.

It happened last week at the Bon Jovi concert. The third beer of the night and halfway through “Bed of Roses,” he pulls me into an embrace and whispers into my ear, “I think I love you, Presley Malone.”

My instant reaction was to dry heave, which ultimately had me running for the bathroom so I could projectile vomit my fears into the dirty toilet. How do you tell someone, “Oh, hey, thanks for saying I love you, I don’t feel the same way but it’s nice to know you care”?

I remember walking back to him and the puppy dog look on his face when he saw me; it was the look of being in love. I simply smiled, told him thank you, and changed the subject by telling him that I wasn’t feeling too hot. He didn’t seem to think there was an issue, so after the final song we made our way home and I pulled out the ‘Aunt Flo’ card; he understood and left me alone.

It wasn’t a complete lie; I was almost due and this month I was predicting a bitch of a cycle since the past three months had been light. That bitch never came, and the emergency sirens were ringing, sending Vicky to the rescue.

“It’s blue.”

Frozen on the spot, I stare at the little blue line and its evil twin. This cannot be happening. I am not irresponsible! I got straight A’s in sex education class. I paid close attention to that rubber being placed on the banana. In fact, I even took notes!

“No shit, but are there two lines?” Vicky is panicked, walking back and forth in the confined bathroom, or what I like to call my personal hell.

Without saying a word, I hand it over, wrong end first as Vicky snatches it away from me.

“Oh gross, I’m touching your pee!” It falls to the ground, not that it matters; the damage is done.

“Is it Marcus’s?”

Mental calculations of who you were sleeping with at a specific time scream “slut” like nothing else. With Marcus I stuck to my five-month-rule, minus four months, two weeks, and four days. Turns out the older you get, the shorter the timespan. Alright, Kitty was becoming a desperate diva pouting like she was deprived of water…or air.

“Okay, let’s take this into the living room with some Chinese take-out and get to the bottom of this,” Vicky reassures me.

An hour later, the Chinese delivery guy has delivered our food and Vicky is wearing her Sherlock Holmes cap and glasses. When it comes to sticky situations, Vicky Flinders is the person you want by your side. Despite the nausea sitting in the pit of my stomach, I shove food into my mouth, not allowing myself any air to breathe.

“When did you last get your period?”

“Like, a month ago? It was an odd color and lighter than usual.”

“You can still get your period while you’re pregnant.”

“Marcus and I only started sleeping together not long ago, and to be honest, he has an obsession with blowjobs so we don’t really have intercourse as much as you think,” I mumble, in confusion.

“Okay, that’s a lot of information for me to take in. What is it with men and blowjobs? You know, it could be Haden’s or Jason’s—”

“Wh…Why would it be Haden’s?” The anxiety is curling in my stomach at the mention of his name. I hadn’t even thought of him being part of this equation. My immediate thoughts went to Marcus. Even Jason seemed so far-fetched, yet would have been my preferred option if given the choice. The tears are barely being contained and I choke them back in order to get to the bottom of what the fuck I’m going to do.

“Uh, because he stuck his GI Joe in your Polly Pocket?”

I almost choke on my eggroll. “You’re getting cruder with age.”

“I prefer the term ‘wiser’,” she corrects me. “So?”

“Look, Vicks, he wore a rubber, I think.” God, I sound like a whore. “But if I didn’t come then he probably didn’t.”

Vicky spits out her drink all over my coffee table. Disgusted, I quickly grab some paper towels to wipe it down, mumbling under my breath at her disregard for a sanitary environment.

“You can’t be that gullible. If I know Haden, the jerk blew his load and left you hanging, wanting more.”

“I don’t know,” I barely admit. “As for Jason, we hadn’t had sex since his trip back from Chicago. That was so long ago. Surely if it was his I’d be showing right now.”

My mind is reeling with all this information, all the while reminding me how unbelievably stupid and irresponsible I am. I take a step back and think about the scientific side of things, but Vicky interrupts my thoughts.

“So that was like…” Counting her fingers, Vicky does the math that my brain refuses to compute. “That was like five months ago, right? And you fucked Haden four months ago? So it’s simple, you get your blood test done and see how far along you are. Then you’ll know who the baby daddy is.”

Oh dear god, baby daddy. How could such a name freak me out?

“Vicky, it has to be Marcus’s baby. I’m not ready for this, plus he is so young and not ready to be a dad. How can this fucking happen?!” I yell in frustration.

“Well, you weren’t exactly being responsible.”

“I was on the goddamn Pill back then! Besides, we always use condoms.”

“Oh,” Vicky mouths. “Well, it says on the warning label that the Pill is only ninety-nine percent effective and condoms can break. Maybe you’re one of those super fertile woman and Marcus has super sperm and together it can break through anything.”

“This isn’t a joke. I cannot be that one percent, Vicky.”

“Someone has to be,” she points out. “Why would you stop the Pill?”

“I don’t know,” I sulk. “I have no idea who I am anymore! I got so caught up in having fun that I just forgot one day and didn’t think it would be a big deal since we used protection anyway.”

I sink into the sofa, smothering myself with cushions and praying that they would turn into monsters and suffocate me to death. Instead, I sit here feeling like a cheap hooker. I am worthy of being on Jerry Springer or Maury Povich. How could I not know who the father is of the baby I’m carrying? This isn’t how I was raised; this isn’t who I am. I know better than this.