Chapter Fifteen

Your Mere Existence

“SO YOU’RE SAYING I’ll never be able to have babies, ever?” Julie’s voice broke as the question left her mouth. She felt Danny’s hand grip hers, but the room shrank, closing in around her. She hadn’t gotten her period since losing the baby, but at the six-week follow-up visit, the doctor had told her to be patient. In fairness, she remembered the doctor in the hospital discussing possible difficulty with future pregnancies, but she had been drugged up at the time and had refused to ask questions.

“I’m sorry.” Dr. Burke’s compassionate eyes moved between hers and Danny’s. “According to the ultrasound we just did, you have no endometrial lining, an unfortunate outcome from the surgery and embolization you needed to stop the bleeding. None of those things could have been avoided. It was a life-or-death situation.”

“Obviously there was no choice to be made.” Danny’s firm statement resulted in silence as Julie’s eyes leaked. Danny exhaled as he ran his hand through his short dark hair.“Okay.”

He’ll fix this. He’ll make it better.

“Let me understand what you’re telling us…because of what happened, we can’t have children. The baby that we lost is the only one we’ll ever have?” Danny asked.

“Biologically, yes,” the doctor answered. “I’m so sorry. I wish I had better news for you, different answers, but I don’t.”

“We wish you had different answers too,” he murmured.

Julie’s lungs burned with the need for air. She hadn’t let so much as a breath escape her body for fear of breaking down, never to be fixed again. Her gaze cut to her husband, ramrod straight in the expensive leather chair, tight jaw, wet eyes, but a supportive grasp on her hand. She kept letting him down, and he kept holding her close. They would have no children, no family.

With Danny’s arm looped around her waist, they walked silently out of the building and to the Ranger. Once inside the cab, Julie pulled the cork on the emotions she’d been holding in and let loose the keening cries of a woman who’d just lost her fantasies…again.

***

DANNY JOINED JULIE at the first therapy session after leaving the doctor’s office, which, thanks to the therapist and her magical schedule, was just hours after receiving the crippling news. In that office, they cried in each other’s arms, screamed at the unfairness of life, and determined that Julie would benefit from sessions twice weekly until the initial crisis passed.

Two weeks had passed since the fateful obstetrician’s appointment, and while Julie didn’t revert entirely to where she had been after she lost their daughter, she regressed deeply at first.

After sixteen days, Sheila contacted Danny when she hadn’t heard from Julie. Their friend was heartbroken by the news, but like the best of friends did, she came up with a plan instead of focusing on things that couldn’t be changed. While Julie didn’t return to work after losing the baby, she and Sheila still spoke frequently and the two couples continued to see each other socially.

With Danny’s blessing, Sheila stopped by the Marcus house one day while he was at work, and she convinced Julie it was time to return to her management position. Within two weeks, Julie seemed to be crying less and smiling more. He got a kiss on the cheek before work and a hug before sleep. She seemed happier, more alive, and he was grateful.

Danny used the time while Julie was at work to allow himself to grieve. They mourned together for the first few days, but then he tucked away his sadness and focused on keeping his woman above water. However, when alone, the loss crept in and felt suffocating. Their dreams of little kids, loud dinners, big Christmases, sibling rivalries, and bear hugs felt ripped away, leaving raw skin and exposed nerves. But new dreams could be made, of that he was certain, as long as he had Julie by his side.

The problem was that it had been four and a half months since she’d let him touch her. Four and a half months since he’d given her more than a peck on the cheek or squeezed her hand. They’d spent their whole marriage sleeping skin to skin, and she now slept in long sleeves and sleep pants. While he could continue to give her space, he feared the space was creating issues that would eventually cause a rift.

Julie had always loved his dominant ways. She bloomed under his words and writhed beneath his touch. For months he’d stayed back, fearful of pushing her before she was ready, scared to lose her due to impatience.

He snickered without humor at his reflection in the men’s room mirror at work. “You’ll lose her ‘cause you’ve been acting like a pussy.” New dreams will be made. He left the restroom and headed to his post.

In the months that he’d watched his wife grieve, blocking him out, keeping pain in, it was Chester who had become his closest confidant. After work that day, Danny called Chester for advice.

“If she freely gives you control in the bedroom, she wants you to control her in the bedroom,” his friend said.

“Chester, no offense, man, but she’s in a bad place. She barely comes near me.”

“Dan, no offense, boy, and believe me, this advice doesn’t come easy bein’ as I think of her as a daughter, but there comes a time when you’ll need to start thinking as a couple and not just about her. The shit that went down, son—it tears couples apart. That I can promise. You’ll know when it’s time, and when it is, take back the control she’s given you. Take it back in a way that she knows she’s loved and safe, but that’s it.”

“What?”

Chester huffed. “She’s hurtin’, runnin’, pushin’ you away. How do you stop her from doing that while lovin’ her with everything you got?”

“Ah,” The proverbial light bulb pinged over Danny’s head as a smile caressed his face.

“By George, I think he’s got it.” Chester chuckled and ended their call.

Danny began his planning.

###

“A MINT CHOCOLATE chip milk shake!” Her eyes lit up as she dipped her spoon into the extra-thick novelty. “Let me guess, a vanilla one for you, huh?” He always loved watching her “drink” shakes with a spoon. “Did you do something wrong, Mr. Marcus?” Her brow arched with mock accusation as her mouth opened wide to accept another generous scoop.

“No, babe, I passed the ice cream shop on my way home from work and figured you could use a treat.”

They had both worked day shift and had the night off. It was the first time in over a week their schedules allowed for that, and he planned on taking advantage of the night.

“Mmm, so good.” She swiped a napkin off the kitchen table and padded on bare feet to the family room. She cozied up on the sofa with her shake and the television remote. “Wheel of Fortune is starting. Come sit with me.”

Together, they watched the game show while calling out answers before the contestants, high-fiving when they were correct, laughing each time they guessed wrong. Danny’s focus split between the show and the way Julie’s tongue lapped at the quickly melting ice cream. So sexy. A needy rhythm throbbed in his cock each time an appreciative moan escaped her lips. Oh, sweet Lord, let me in.

Click.

“Danny, what…” Julie stared from the blank television screen to him. “Jeopardy’s on next. We love that show. Why did you turn off the TV?”

That question was the only one he needed to hear, and the answer was clear. Danny removed the empty shake cup from Julie’s hand and placed it on the coffee table before turning his attention back to her.

“Jeopardy, huh? Okay, the answer is…your mere existence.” Danny closed the distance between them, interlacing their fingers as he nudged his nose up her neck to her ear. “What’s the question, honey?”