Father Jacob has a deep voice that sounds somber, the acoustics of the church helping him convey the depths of his words—which to me all sound hollow. He stands up at a podium a few meters from my wife, looking more like a wizard than a priest, his white hair in need of a trim, an outfit one might wear to a fancy dress party. He tells us about God, and Heaven, and I’m not real sure where I stand on those concepts right now. My grandparents raised me to believe in God, but these were the same people who raised my dad, and look how he turned out. I want to believe in something; it would mean Jodie is somewhere better than this world—and she is certainly somewhere better than Christchurch. And I want to believe in something to make it easier on Sam. I’ve thought about it a lot over the last few days, and I think it comes down to this—I want to believe in God, but right now I’m too damn angry with Him to do so.

It’s almost thirty-five degrees outside, but it’s cool in the church, and it’s obvious I’m not the only one who feels it. There is something bad inside this place, maybe the same bad thing that got the previous priest murdered, or perhaps it’s the ghost of that priest himself, still here, watching over us. I wonder if Father Jacob senses it, whether he wonders if he’ll be the next priest to come to a dark end.

A lot of people show up—I never knew that I knew that many people. They show up from the firm I work at. There are plenty from Jodie’s firm too, and of course it’s not like we were social lepers, which means all our friends and family are here too. There are people I don’t recognize, others I haven’t seen in a long, long time. No one really knows what to say—except for John Morgan, who shakes my hand and reminds me, when I get the chance, to head in tomorrow and Wednesday to finish off the McClintoch file. I smile at him and think about putting him in a coffin of his own.

I don’t have any family—my grandparents, who raised me and Belinda after Mum died, are both dead: a heart attack got my granddad; pneumonia and complications but mostly loneliness got my grandmother not long after. More than anybody, I wish Belinda was here. When we were young, before Dad got taken away, Belinda did her best to pretend I didn’t exist, and when she couldn’t pretend hard enough to make me disappear, she’d begrudgingly throw the occasional sentence my way. When we found out what Dad had done, she spoke to me more but her words were harsher. Then when we found Mum dead in the bathtub, she held my hand and stroked my hair while we waited for the police to arrive. She told me that day that she loved me, and that she would take care of me. Of course our grandparents ended up taking care of both of us, but it was a struggle for them. They were old and didn’t really have the means to support us that well, but they did what they could to keep us from being put into foster care. Belinda always saw me as her responsibility. She was four years older than me, a big sister and mum all wrapped into one person, but at night she was neither of those—at night she used to sneak out of home and work the streets for money, and she’d come back crying with her pockets full of dirty banknotes and she’d hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Eventually it wasn’t okay for her—she hated what she was doing, and the only way she could live with herself was to dull the pain, and that’s when the drugs took hold of her. She moved out of our grandparents’ house when she was sixteen but she came back every few days to see me. She always brought me something. Either a candy bar or a comic. She’d help me with my homework. She was always clean when she came visiting—or always looked clean—but sometimes she had the shakes, like she hadn’t had a fix in a few days. My grandparents were in the wrong generation to notice what was happening, and I was too young to know what caused it.

Then one week she didn’t come to visit. Then another week went by. Eventually the cops came. It was like that Wednesday morning all over again. They pulled into the street and knocked on the door and my life changed the same way it had every other time I saw them.

Sam is given a thousand hugs, almost all of them ending with the other person crying. Sam becomes numb to the tears. She’s adorable in her little black dress and makes me want to cry every time I see her. She knows what’s going on, but at the same time she doesn’t know. She’s been told Mummy has gone to Heaven, but a few times she’s asked if Mummy will be coming home over Christmas to visit. I wish I could cancel Christmas. I hate that the rest of the city gets something to enjoy.

Jodie’s coffin is covered in flowers. Most of the church is. The accountant in me is wondering how much all of this is costing, and thinking how death must be the most profitable business in the world since we all get around to doing it sooner or later. The father inside of me holds Sam’s hand tightly the entire time, drawing strength from her. The man inside me hurts, he’s screaming inside, he’s dying inside, he’s confused, and he doesn’t know what his future holds. The service lasts an hour. People come out of it saying it was “nice,” but it’s not the word I’d use. I don’t know what it is. Certainly not nice. “Devastating,” might be better. “Confusing” would work too. “Nice” seems to trivialize it.

Six people carry Jodie’s coffin outside. Her dad, her two brothers, and three friends. Their faces are strained but I don’t think it’s from the coffin being heavy. Her brothers had to fly in from different parts of the country and tomorrow will fly back out. I keep a firm grip on Sam’s hand as we walk behind them. Sam keeps a tight grip on her teddy bear with the other hand. The coffin is shiny and new and sure won’t be that way in a few hours from now. I wonder how heavy it is, what kind of percentage of the weight is from my wife.

We reach the hearse. It’s shiny and black, while death is dull and black. The rear door is open, waiting for her, waiting for the men to slide my wife inside as if they were furniture movers. The door closes, then we all seem to stand around for a minute or two, not really sure what to do next until we all kind of figure it out, and the hearse leaves and we follow it. We all drive in a row, our headlights on, Jodie leading the way. It’s about a kilometer of winding road between the church and Jodie’s new home so the drive is short and I’m not sure why no one walked. We find the missing occupants of the media vans about thirty meters from the grave, some with cameras set up on tripods, others on shoulder mounts. These people don’t have any respect for Jodie, or for Sam or for myself, and none at all for the situation. They don’t care about our loss, they care only about ratings, and the thing I know for certain in this world is that one day these people will become victims to their own stories. One day somebody, maybe some other son of a serial killer, will pick these vultures off one by one. But that day is in the future, and today Sam is the granddaughter of a serial killer, daughter of a murder victim, and the media are already speculating about her too. They call her cute and adorable, they call her loss a tragic one, and they wonder what kind of woman she will turn into—her life has this dark blemish now, and combined with her genes . . . they want to know what she will become.

The same men who loaded Jodie in the hearse go about unloading her. My wife has become cargo, her final voyage about to begin. They carry her from the hearse to the grave, lowering her onto some weird scaffolding erected over the top of it. Father Jacob thinks of more he wants to add, then, at exactly 3:27 on a Monday afternoon, the scaffolding moves and my wife is lowered into the ground, the six men who carried her standing silent among the crowd, hurting, while the six men who did this to her spend their money in the streets of Christchurch, enjoying the beautiful summer’s day.