‘What does that mean?’

‘My honor is loyalty.’

And I know instantly that those words are not meant for me.  The walls have ears.  I frown.  Trying to figure out what is going on.  And then I grab my journal from the bedside table and scribble quickly on it.

Is this room bugged?

He shakes his head slowly and I understand that it is not an answer, but a reminder of his earlier plea.  Say no more.

‘I’m tired,’ he says softly, ‘and the worse for wear.  Let’s go to sleep.’  He lifts his fingers off my lips.

‘Yes, let’s sleep.  Things always look better in the morning,’ I acquiesce, my voice shaky, barely a whisper.

He smiles at me.  Gratitude.  For what?  Why?  Then he kisses me on the mouth.  ‘Goodnight, my darling.’

‘I love you,’ I mouth silently.

He smiles sadly and covers our bodies with the duvet.  I fall asleep with his body curved tightly around mine, but I sleep badly.  Dreams, nightmares.  All broken and disjointed.  I am calling for him, but he has his face turned away towards strong winds and jagged rocks.  Always I am frightened for him.  It is never me in danger, but him.

I wake up when Blake suddenly jack-knifes into a sitting position.  Dawn is breaking in the sky.  ‘I have to go to work,’ he says.

‘All right,’ I feel very small and lost.

I stand at the door of the dressing room watching him get ready for work.

‘Do you know that there are only ten days left?’

He eyes me in the mirror.  ‘Yes,’ he says and carries on knotting his tie.

‘Coffee machine should be ready by now.  Want one?’

‘Thank you,’ he says with a smile.

As I am putting the saucer under his espresso, Blake comes into the kitchen.  Even today with my heart so heavy he makes my heart skip a beat.  He looks a little pale, but he is so male, so gorgeous.  I can almost forget what happened last night.  That thin child’s voice, begging Daddy to stop.  I watch the movement his throat makes as he drinks his coffee.  It is amazing to think that inside this accomplished totally confident man lives a damaged child, right down to the eerie little voice.  But today is also different from any other day for a different reason.  He is changed.  I can feel it.  Not in the way he feels about me, but inside him.  A steely determination.  He finishes his coffee and comes to me.

‘What will you do today?’

‘I don’t know.  Probably just mess about.’

He nods distractedly.  Already he is elsewhere.  Taken there by the steely determination.  He kisses me.  Then he opens his mouth as if to say something, but shuts it.  ‘Do you trust me, Lana?’

The little question is loaded with meaning.  ‘Yes, I trust you.’

He smiles tenderly.  Then he is gone.

The day stretches ahead interminably.  He will be gone for so many hours.  I feel restless and oddly…frightened.  I sit at the computer and Google Cronus.  Is there something I have missed?  A god who ate his own children.  Father time.  Another name for Saturn.  What am I missing?  I start delving deeper down the Google pages.  Conspiracy sites churning nonsense start turning up.

I give up and type in ‘Blake Law Barrington early years’.  Nothing.  There is not a single photograph or piece of news about him.  I try to imagine him as a child.  A little older than Sorab and suddenly tears appear in my eyes.  Poor little thing.  I have never come across it.  Where a child who has been abused by its parent grows up to be a man and protects his abuser in such a loyal fashion.  As if what his father had done was right.  Did his mother know?  The thought sickens me.

I don’t understand what I am mixed up in.

I spend the morning and most of the afternoon wandering aimlessly around the apartment. The truth is I am stuck in an uncomprehending daze.  I am even tempted to attempt contact with Victoria’s mother.  But the memory of that shrill look in her eyes frightens me. As if she is teetering on the border of madness.  It is as if she is trapped in her own hell.

At four o’clock I hear the front door open.  Blake is early.  I run out gratefully to greet him.  I have so missed him.  I come to an abrupt stop in the middle of the corridor.  It is not Blake standing just inside the door looking at me, but his father.

Twenty-eight

“The world is governed by very different personages from what is imagined by those who are not behind the scenes”

 —Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli of England, 1844

‘Hello, Miss Bloom.’

‘Hello,’ I whisper.

‘May I come in?’

‘You are already in.’

His mouth twists haughtily.  ‘True.’

‘Blake’s not here.’

‘I didn’t come to see him.’

He passes me on the way to the living room, stops a few feet away, and prompts, ‘Shall we?’

I follow.  I am so furious with this man that my hands are white knuckled fists.  I actually think I hate him.  In fact, this is first human being I have met that I could feel all right about killing.  This is the man who attacked a child and molded him into cold, money-making machine.  But I know better than to order him out or to show my fury.  I recognize that he is at the end of the maze I am lost in.

He stops in the middle of the living room.  He does not sit and I do not offer him a seat.  ‘What do you want?’

‘You have taken something very precious to me and I have come to ask you to give it back to me.’

I shake my head.  ‘I don’t have anything of yours.’

‘Don’t play games with me, Miss Bloom.  I haven’t the time or inclination.  I want you to leave my son.’

‘What is it with you people?  Don’t you think Blake is old enough to decide who he wants to be with?’

‘I’ve seen you.  I’ve watched you beg my son to hurt you,’ he says softly.  But the venom in his calm words shocks me far more than if he had shouted at me.  I take a step back.  His cold eyes are unblinking.  They watch me like a snake does its prey.  He takes a step forward.  ‘This is the first time I have seen it.  A woman begging a man to abuse her.  I have to admit I enjoyed it even if my son didn’t deliver.  Next time you want to be hurt, ask me.  I know exactly how to make you scream.’

I stare at him blankly.  The walls not only have ears, they also have eyes, Blake.  You didn’t know that, did you?  My mind scrambles for a way out of this nightmare.  What has this man seen?  He has witnessed me with my legs wide open, the black and orange dildo buried inside me.  But I don’t feel shame or humiliation.  I feel fear.  To beat down the fear, I simulate courage.  I raise my chin to a fuck you stance.

‘If you think your son shouldn’t be with me, why don’t you approach him directly?’

He looks at me strangely.  As if I am a creature of very low intelligence that he is trying very hard to communicate with.  ‘Because I don’t have to.  I have what you want.’

‘I’d rather die than take a penny from you.’

He smiles.  ‘I wouldn’t insult you with money.  You are far too subtle for that. Rather I am giving you another opportunity to be selfless and do something wonderful.’

I stare at him wordlessly as he weaves the net that he hopes to catch me with.

‘I see a gloriously bright future for my son, but you are in the way.  Your genetic imprint, your lack of education, your…your lack of social standing will eventually drag him down.  What I am offering is a place in the countryside, near a good school, a beautiful home, a car, of course money, and introduction into better society than you have known.’

‘I can’t make that decision for Blake.  He is old enough to choose what he wants.’

He holds up a hand.  ‘Let me finish.  I know you are in love with my son.  And believe me, that is something greatly in your favor.  I know how difficult it must be for you, but the consequences if you do not leave him are enormous, incalculable…for Blake.’