‘But you don’t fancy men.’

‘I know.  “Thanks, but I’m a dyke, mate,” is what I told him too.’

 ‘And?’ I prompt.

‘”That’s only because you haven’t been to bed with me yet,” he said, and I was so high, I was actually impressed with that level of arrogant confidence.  “I’ll fuck you, but I’m not sucking your dick or doing anything else gross like that,” I replied.’

‘Billie!’  I squeal.

‘No point being coy.  I’m not sucking any man’s dick.  Anyway, “I’m not too keen on that practice either,” he said, so we went back to his place.’

‘And?’  I can barely believe what I am hearing.

‘And it was actually very exciting.  You know how I always take control.  He wouldn’t let me.  He was very strict and masterful, and fucking strong too.  I’ve never had anyone so…well…authoritative in bed before.  It was something new, something I’m not used to.’

‘So you enjoyed sex with a man?’

‘I hate to say yes, it messes with my self-identity, but yeah.  In the morning he brought me breakfast, ugh, sausages and eggs.’

I am almost laughing.  ‘What did you do?’

‘I ate it.’

‘What?’

‘Wasn’t bad.’

‘Billie, you haven’t had a proper breakfast since you were two!’

She laughs.

‘Are you going to see him again?’

‘Maybe.  He took my number, but he’s going to be away for a month.  If I see him again, I see him again; if I don’t, I don’t.’

‘But you want to…’

‘Yeah… I guess I do.  There’s something intriguing about him.’

‘Does this mean you are no longer a lesbian?’

‘Don’t get me wrong.  I still fancy you more than him, but maybe I’m not just DC but AC too.’

‘What’s his name?’

‘Rose, Jaron Rose.’

I bite my lip.  ‘Actually, I have something to tell you too.’

‘Get on with it then.’

‘I don’t want you to freak out but...’

‘I won’t freak out.  What is it?’

‘Victoria’s mother came to see me.’

‘Bloody hell.  That was quick.  Let me guess.  She warned you to leave Blake alone?’

‘Yes, she did warn me, but the funny thing is, I think she thought she was warning me for my own good.’

Billie snorts disbelievingly.  ‘You’re soft in the head.’

‘Just hear me out, OK?’

‘I’m all ears.’

‘It was all very vague and mysterious, but basically she told me I was in danger.’

‘Now you are freaking me out.  What kind of danger?’

‘She didn’t say, but something about the way she said it made me realize that she was frightened.  She shouldn’t have come to see me.  She came against her better judgment.’

‘So what exactly did she say?’

‘She said I should beware of Cronus.’

‘Who the hell is that?’

‘I didn’t know either.  But he is the god of time.  Usually depicted as an old man with a grey beard.  According to Greek mythology Cronus deposed his father and, in fear of a prophecy that he would suffer the same fate, he began to swallow each of his children as soon as they were born.’

‘Charming.  What’s that got to do with you?’

‘I don’t know.  I’m trying to work it out.’

‘Why don’t you ask Blake?’

‘Because she said, don’t trust anyone and I’m not sure—‘

‘You don’t trust Blake!’ Billie’s eyes are huge with shock.

‘It’s not that I don’t trust him.  I trust him with my life, but he is definitely hiding something important from me.  Besides, he has already told me that the less I know the safer I will be.’

‘Jesus, Lana, what kind of shit are you messed up in?’

Twenty-one

I wake up exhausted.

In fact, last night I was so dead to the world, I did not even wake up at dawn to take care of Sorab.  Blake did.  Before he left for work he gently shook me awake and said, ‘Shall I ask Gerry to come take care of Sorab today?’

But I had shaken my head.  ‘No, I’m fine.’

‘OK, I’ll call you mid-morning.’

I pull myself out of bed.  I am so tired I feel almost tearful.  I hear Sorab cry and I move instinctively towards the sound.  I pick him up and put him in his playpen.  He looks at me with his great big blue eyes and grizzles softly.  I know what he wants.  He wants me to carry him.  But I can’t.  Not today.

Today I just want to go back to bed and sleep.  I wipe my hand down my face.  I go over to the tin of biscuits.  Flavored with organic grape juice they are his favorite.  I thrust one into his hand.  He starts nibbling on it and I stumble out of the room.  I have a plan.  I will leave him with Billie and I will have a good sleep.  I need it.

By the time I reach Billie I actually feel dizzy.

‘What’s the matter with you?’ Billie says.

‘Tired,’ I say.  ‘Can you just watch him while I go back and sleep for a few hours?’

‘Whoa,’ she says.  Her voice sounds far away.  ‘You’re going nowhere like this.  Come here.’

Obediently I turn towards her voice.  She leads me to her bed.  I fall gratefully into it; it smells of her hairspray and perfume.  Familiar.  I turn my face towards it.

I feel a cool hand on my forehead.  ‘Shit,’ I hear her say.  ‘You’re burning up with fever.’

I go to sleep and when I wake up I hear Blake’s voice, raised, angry.

‘Why didn’t you call me?’

‘It’s not like she’s dying.  She’s got the fucking flu.  Everybody gets it.’

‘I’m calling the doctor.’

‘Who’s stopping you?’

I feel Blake sitting on the bed beside me.  He seems odd, distressed.

‘I’m all right.  It’s just the flu.’

‘The doctor will be here soon.’

The doctor confirms Billie’s diagnosis. ‘Flu, but,’ he cautions, ‘she does seem malnourished.  Perhaps even anemic.  I’d recommend a full check-up.’

Other doctors come and inject me with cocktails of vitamins, C, B complex.  I must admit I feel better after these injections.  I am spoon-fed tomato soup that Laura has sent.  It doesn’t taste anything like the canned Heinz tomato soup that I am used to.  I make a face.

‘It’s just missing the MSG,’ Blake comments dryly.  He makes me finish it all.

I am then moved into my old room.  The sheets have been changed.  They feel cool against my skin.  It is a relief to fall into soft blackness, but I sleep badly.  Tossing and turning through the night.  Sometimes I open my eyes and Blake is always there.  Awake and working.  He has brought a desk into my room.  The fever breaks in the early morning hours.  I sit in bed and eat a cup full of jelly.  The jelly tastes funny.  I complain and grumble.

‘You are such a terrible patient.  Get it all down.  It is all good stuff.  You’re body is crying out for minerals and vitamins,’ Blake scolds.

To my absolute horror I am put into a wheelchair the next day and wheeled down the corridor and into the lift.  It stinks of urine and I see Blake’s mouth settle into a hard line.  He hates dirt, chaos, disorder, ugliness.

For a week I am invalid, but the expensive daily injections and cups of red, green and yellow jelly are useful, and soon I am almost myself. My appetite returns and I feel good again.

But I have lost five days of my 42.

Twenty-two

I meet Blake for lunch in Maide Vale, in a restaurant that reflects the laid-back style of the area.

‘Why are we meeting here?’ I ask.

‘Got something to show you,’ he says.

‘What?’ I ask curiously.  His eyes are twinkling, he laughs at my impatience.

‘Why spoil the surprise?’

‘OK.’

After lunch, Tom drives us to an apartment block in the middle of Little Venice.  We get out and take the lift to the fifth floor.  Blake fishes a key out of his pocket, and with a lopsided smile at my uncomprehending frown puts the key into the door and opens it.  We step into an empty apartment.  I am immediately drawn to the balcony.  It has a wonderful view of all the waterways and canals that make up Little Venice.  Pretty amazing.