I felt hot, as if my veins were filled with wine. “Maybe not.”

As he turned his head, I felt his breath fall upon my lips, and I forced myself to say, “We can’t.”

“It’s all right, I’m faking my desire,” he murmured.

I smiled despite myself. Then he kissed me. His taste, his smell, I’d waited so long for this. I lost myself in that kiss, my hands entwining in his hair before I remembered where we were, and what would happen if someone walked in on us. And Fiona, and Pa. Ryan was just reacting to touching my body, while I was in danger of losing my heart and soul. I drew back, my lips throbbing.

He cupped his hand to the nape of my neck. “I’m not sorry I kissed you.” He bent in to kiss me one more time and I let him before I pushed gently against his chest. Slowly, he pulled back and let me up. He held my face with his hand and let his finger brush against my jaw. I felt his hand tremble. Then he dropped it and turned away.

I busied myself collecting our CD from the stereo. “Lesson over.” My voice was hoarse. The door quietly opened and shut, and then he was gone.

—

Ryan canceled all the rest of our lessons that week. I didn’t know what it meant or what to do. Was he ever going to come back? What would I do if he didn’t? Walking in the park in the June sunshine with Nina a few days later, I spotted a gardener tending the flowers and my heartache must have shown on my face.

Nina said, “Are you all right?”

I ran my hand through my hair, then told her about Ryan and the kiss.

“I knew it.” She was speaking quickly, frightened for me. “If you get involved with him, not only will they fire you but no other studio in New York will touch you. You’ll be blacklisted. No one wants a pro who sleeps with the students. It’s bad for business.”

I pressed my lips together and shivered despite the sunlight on my face. “I don’t want to go back to my old life. If Ryan leaves, I don’t have a partner, and if I get involved with him, I won’t have a job. I have nothing.” I felt the dread deep in my stomach.

“No, you’ll always own something that no one can take away. Even if you were faced with losing your job, you’d keep the knowledge in your body, your passion for movement, your understanding of its power. That’s yours.”

I kicked at the dirt on the ground. “I’m so confused.” She was talking about career and love of dance, and I shared that, but mostly all I could think about now was Ryan. “Sometimes I think he cares about me a little. But it’d be such a shock to my father, I’d feel so guilty about dating a non-Chinese guy. And the worst thing is, he’s got a girlfriend . . .” My voice trailed off.

Nina turned her face away.

“I know it’s bad.”

“Yes, it is. Charlie, you shouldn’t even be thinking about him in that way. He’s a student. I’m so sorry, honey, but it doesn’t matter about him and the girlfriend. He’s bad for you. You remember what happened to Estella. I heard they’ve broken up by now. You have such a bright future ahead of you as a dancer and a teacher. Go find yourself a nice professional man to play with. Listen to Doctor Nina here. Get this student out of your system.”

I rubbed my eyes. “I’m finished with him as soon as the competition is done. I’ll turn him over to another teacher.”

—

After my talk with Nina, I was resolved to break things off with Ryan. I didn’t want to call Ryan from the studio, just in case we got into personal territory. I copied down his mobile number from his file and then waited until the next day, Saturday, to phone him. I wanted some privacy.

It rang a few times and then his deep voice answered. “Ryan Collins.”

“Ryan, it’s me.”

He immediately knew who I was. His voice gentled. “Hi.”

I made my tone very businesslike. “You didn’t come in last week. I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

He coughed. “Umm. Yeah. I’m fine. Just a bit of the flu.” Like I was born yesterday.

“Feeling better now?”

“Yeah.”

I cut to the chase. “Are you going to bail on me and the competition?”

There was a silence. “No. I’m in until then.”

“Me too.” I forced myself to say it. “After that, it might be better for you to go to another teacher.”

There was another pause, then his voice sounded strained. “I’ll be done with dancing by then. I’ll be ready for the wedding. That was the goal, wasn’t it?”

My entire chest ached. “Okay, well . . . thank you for staying with me through the competition.”

“Listen, should we just get the rest of our bargain over with? There’s a party uptown tonight.”

I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly. “After what happened?”

“I want to take you, all right? I missed seeing you this week.”

Despite all of my resolutions, I felt myself soften. I kept my tone cool. “I promised, didn’t I? What do you require from me?”

“Bring shoes you can dance in. And wear something sexy, will you?”

Twenty

I lied to Pa again and told him I would be going to a birthday party at a colleague’s house in Far Rockaway, which was hours away from Chinatown by subway. I said it’d last until late. I wondered if this dynamic of our relationship would ever change or if I would be deceiving him until I was old and he was gone.

As I knew he would, Pa said, “But it’ll take you so long to get home.”

“Don’t worry, Pa, I’ll be all right.”

“No, I don’t want you coming back that late alone. Is your friend a woman?”

“Yes.”

“Can you stay at her house?” As he fell into my trap, I felt the guilt rush over me.

“Probably, I’ll call her and see.”

He was relieved when I told him that I would be allowed to stay over at my fictional female friend’s house. I could then sneak in after he was asleep and say that I’d returned much earlier. Otherwise he’d wait up for me. Lisa knew me well enough to understand I was lying but she didn’t say anything.

I tried to decide what to wear. Although Adrienne’s cast-offs had greatly helped my dance wardrobe, I hadn’t bought much new clothing for wearing outside of the studio. And as Pa and Lisa were home, watching our little television, I had to look like my old self when I left. In the end, there was nothing for me to do but wear Adrienne’s clothes underneath and my old clothing on top, even though it was already mid-June and quite hot.

I snuck into the bathroom and put on a miniskirt and a tight gold cropped top, daring for me since it bared my stomach. Over that, I threw on a long flowered dress of Aunt Monica’s. The only shoes I could really walk in were my clunky dishwasher shoes. I peeked out and Pa and Lisa both still seemed to be staring at the television, although I didn’t think they were really watching it. I didn’t want to risk wearing too much makeup in front of Pa, so I put on just a minimal amount before slipping out.

Outside, I hurried past the Canal Street jewelry stores, their displays glittering with pure gold, which Chinese believed warded off evil. Though it was evening, the streets were still packed. Our plan was to meet at the subway station, but my heart skipped a beat when I saw Ryan leaning against the pole, silhouetted against the setting sun. He was in my neighborhood. It was as if he could be a part of my real life.

I approached him and his face lit up. “Charlie, you look beautiful.” He’d never said anything like this to me before.

I had to laugh. “Are you serious? You asked me to wear something sexy and I have this on.” I gestured at my long dress and dishwasher shoes.

He shrugged. “I guess it feels like a long time since I last saw you.”

I fiddled with the handle of my bag. Should I mention our kiss? It probably wasn’t even a big deal to him. “Are we okay?”