“Of course not.” I’d never let Pa do this by himself. I worried about the day that the restaurant work would be too demanding for him.

“You’re a good girl.” He dropped another sack onto the growing pile in the basement, which was lit by an incandescent bulb. I hated to think which insects were lurking there. “You will make some man very happy someday.”

I raised my eyebrows. This I had never heard before. “You don’t even want me to date.”

Pa didn’t meet my eyes, running his hand over his hair. “Uncle and Aunt have been talking to me about this for a while now. Aunt seems to think I should be preparing more for your future.”

“What do you mean?”

He stared at a spot on the wall. “I’m not that young anymore, Charlie. Uncle’s even older than I am. When I’m gone, I need to make sure someone’s here to look after you.”

Sudden tears sprang into my eyes. “That’s nonsense. You’ll live a very long time.”

“I’m alone. Your ma’s already gone. I’ve been saving for you girls but I don’t know how long that money can last.”

Now I understood the money Pa always put aside. It wasn’t for our dowries or college, it was for after he had passed on. “I don’t want to talk about this. I can’t believe you want me to just start going out with men either.”

“No! No strangers. Aunt thought maybe a matchmaker . . .”

“Absolutely not!” It was a Chinese tradition for parents to arrange marriages for their children. We were supposed to stay pure until a spouse was chosen for us. “Over my dead body.”

“Yes, I thought you would say that. That’s why I was thinking, you know that nice boy, that old friend of yours . . .”

My jaw dropped. “Winston. No.”

“I always liked him. Maybe you should see him more often.”

I rubbed my palms over my eyes. I reminded myself that Pa had no idea Winston and I had already had a romantic relationship and that it had not worked out. Sometimes it was hard to keep track of all the things I hid from Pa but I understood where this was coming from. Winston was a known quantity, or so Pa thought. Pa couldn’t stand the thought of his daughter going out with a random man, any more than I could stomach an arranged match. “I’m not about to date Winston or allow a matchmaker to choose a man for me. Look at you. You and Ma fell in love. You didn’t let anyone set you up.”

Pa’s gaze was fixed upon the floor now. “And see how well that turned out. The price of moving to America was too high for her.”

My heart broke at the sadness in his voice. This was the first time Pa had ever admitted how unhappy Ma had been here in the U.S. Memories flooded me, of Ma’s voice coming from their bedroom, “I wish we’d never left. I want to go back to China.” Sometimes she’d sobbed and other times they’d fought. Pa would say that it was hard for him too and she would say he didn’t understand, he could never understand. Ma had given everything up for love but regretted it in the end.

“She loved you very much, Pa.”

His forced smile was unsteady. “She was a beautiful bird and I clipped her wings. She never flew again after we came here.”

“If you had stayed in Communist China, no one knows what would have happened to either of you. There was so much political unrest. And Lisa and I would have been born there with so much less freedom. Instead of washing dishes for a couple of years, I probably would have had to wash dishes my entire life.” I smiled at him and took his hand in mine.

Pa laughed even though his eyes were red. “You are right, we never regretted allowing you and Lisa to grow up here. I am very proud of you in your computer job.”

I felt the guilt rise in my throat, along with the truth desperate to come out. To change the subject, I said the first thing that came to my mind. “Do you think Lisa is okay?” She was still wetting the bed and having nightmares. I could do so little to help her, I only worked on knitting that scarf for her whenever I could.

His face grew serious. “I am worried about her too. Those bad dreams, they are not good. You say the test is very competitive. Maybe some of the other students have put a curse on her.”

“What?” We’d made such progress, I’d thought. Now I was ready to pull my hair out again.

“They are jealous. They do not want her to succeed. Maybe they want her spot for themselves.”

“Pa, this is not how things work in America. They might make a mean comment or put garbage in her locker or something, but no one’s going to curse her.”

“You are young and naive, Charlie. People can have black hearts. It’s good you mentioned it. When I get the chance, I am going to talk to the Vision about this.”

Pa patted my arm lovingly, then headed up the stairs for more flour. “Maybe Winston can come over for a cup of tea sometime.”

—

When I got home, I showed Lisa the book I’d bought for her. I’d gone to the little bookstore down the street and tried to explain to the clerk what I needed. He swore this book would solve our problems but I wasn’t so sure. It was called English and Math Workout: Test Prep and was so expensive that it’d wiped out my budget.

Lisa flipped through it. “Charlie, I don’t know most of this stuff.”

I gulped. “That’s why you need the book. We’ll work through it together.”

“No, I mean, I think this is a college prep book. Not for sixth graders.”

“Really? But I told him it was for the Hunter test.”

“I don’t know, he probably heard Hunter College and thought you needed a general college prep book.”

We marched back to the bookstore together. The bell rang as we pushed open the door. The store was cramped and narrow, filled to the ceiling with books, mostly in Chinese, and smelled musty. The same balding clerk came up to us.

I said, “We need a book to prepare for the Hunter high school test. This is for college.” I thrust the book and receipt at him.

“This book is very good for test,” he said.

“No, we need one for a junior high school test.”

He stared at me.

I turned to Lisa. “Can this book help you at all? He obviously doesn’t have anything else. Do you want to keep it? If you want it, you can have it.”

She said, “It’s useless for us. Just get a refund.”

The clerk grumbled as he gave me my money back.

Outside, Lisa saw how crestfallen I was. “Don’t worry, Charlie.”

When we got back to the apartment, I said, “Well, at least let me show you what I learned in the studio this week.” I took her hands, then turned her underneath my arm.

Lisa clapped her hands. “Show me more!”

I taught her everything I knew. I did the man’s part while she was the lady. By the end, Lisa was shouting, “Quick quick slow!” along with me.

Suddenly, there was a pounding on our floor from below. It was the downstairs neighbor. We must have been making too much noise. Lisa and I collapsed on the couch, laughing.

—

Later that afternoon, I was leading the warm-ups for the tai chi class at the Yuan Benevolent Association again. I looked down at my baggy shirt and suddenly felt grateful that my tai chi students never cared what I looked like or wore. They’d always accepted me exactly as I was.

Godmother was walking around the room. She put her hand on a woman’s stomach and nodded at her as she breathed in and out. “Deeper. Let it go. Don’t hold everything in.”

I rolled my shoulders, feeling more aware of my body than I ever had before. I reached inward and allowed my feet to sink into the floor.

Godmother met my eyes and smiled. “The core power of tai chi begins with awareness. Our stance is the posture of infinity: not tense but relaxed and upright, expectant. From this nothingness, all things begin.”

—

The next week I was back behind my receptionist’s desk again. I was relieved the class was over and I didn’t have to be nervous or on display. My feet didn’t have to hurt anymore. I wouldn’t have to dance with Julian again. At this, a pang went through me.