The strobe lights flashed… red, green, yellow… blue… blue… she was out there somewhere. He could tell. The prickling tension in his spine. But he was unable to see her in the crowd. He was overwrought, he decided. Seeing shadows of a lithe and teasing dervish in the smoky-blue haze.

When the last encore finished he stood by the edge of the stage to sign CD’s and autographs. The rush of adrenaline drained away as he approached the bar. Draught pumps, arched as sea horses, shone brightly on the counter. Bottles of spirits lined the mirrored wall behind the bar. He shook his head when Daryl offered to buy him a drink and asked, instead, for a glass of water.

Daryl showed him the latest video of Jasmine in her bath, her hair in a top knot, bubbles on her nose, loud chuckles. She looked so plump and wholesome compared to Sara with her tiny white cap and fingers, still as delicate as stems. Daryl put the phone back into his pocket and stiffened, his gaze focused on the mirrored wall. Jake did not need to look in the same direction to know that Karin was standing behind them. Her dress, it was the one he remembered from Dee Street, clung to her like a sheath, its metallic hues glinting in the brass pumps.

‘We have to talk.’ She came to his side and spoke softly. ‘Can we go somewhere private?’

‘We’ve nothing to say to each other.’ He, too, kept his voice low.

‘Yes, we do.’ She touched his arm. ‘If nothing else, I want your forgiveness. Please, Jake, all I need is a few minutes of your time.’

Outside the club a couple who had bought a CD of Collapsing the Stone stopped when they recognised him and asked him to sign the cover. Karin leaned against the wall and waited while they questioned him about the band. The overhead lighting pooled around her, honed her profile into the delicate setting of a cameo. For an instant, noticing her unguarded expression, he was startled by the forlorn slope of her mouth.

‘I’m genuinely sorry about Nadine’s accident,’ she said when the couple walked away. ‘I don’t want to add to your distress – ’

‘Then why are you here?’

‘Liam insists I stop attending your gigs. We’re moving to Brisbane soon. Is that far enough away for you?’

‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘Wherever you go, it’ll never be far enough.’

‘Such anger, Jake. You once loved me with the same fervour.’

‘I never loved you.’

‘Denying something doesn’t make it less real.’ Words by rote. He recognised their timbre, how they echoed with control, possession, deceit.

‘You mentioned forgiveness,’ he snapped. ‘Is it a general absolution you require or an itemised one? My van? The barn? Nadine’s paintings?’ She shook out the pashmina she carried across her arm and draped it around her shoulders, hugged it against her neck. ‘I’ve been seeing a psychologist. It’s something I should have done years ago. But if we’d hindsight to guide us we’d never make mistakes.’

‘I hope you’re finding it helpful.’

‘My skin feels raw, as if I’m being eviscerated,’ she admitted. ‘Is that what you want to hear?’

‘My opinion doesn’t matter.’

‘It matters the world to me,’ she replied. ‘Women who love too much. I belong to that category. They call it a disorder, a syndrome. What do these so-called experts know about a love that tears the heart out of you? You and I understand that, Jake. The need to possess what belongs to us.’

He should walk away yet something held him there. He was unable to identify it, not curiosity but, perhaps, the fascination he would feel in the presence of a dangerous animal, whose claws, for now, were sheathed.

She paused as Feral, speaking on her mobile, emerged from the club. The drummer flapped her hand at them and moved out of earshot. Streams of neon reflected on the canal and lights spangled the windows of tall, gracious houses. The city flaunted its nightlife in side streets and elegant boulevards but Jake’s mind was locked in a small, silent ward.

Karin, too, seemed lost in thought before she spoke again. ‘Nadine insisted on meeting me after Eleanor’s stroke,’ she said. ‘Did she tell you that?’

‘Yes.’

‘She accused me of being responsible for causing it. Is that what you believe?’

‘Indirectly… yes.’

‘Then you must think I’m monstrous.’

‘I think you cause havoc in people’s lives but never look behind to see the effect it has on them.’

‘My psychologist believes something similar.’ Her ring sparkled when she held out her hand. ‘A blue diamond.’ She studied the brilliant stone. ‘They’re rare and precious. Liam knew I wanted one and he found the perfect stone.’

‘Congratulations.’ He turned towards the door. ‘I’m needed inside. Good luck in your marriage.’

She moved in front of him and blocked the entrance. ‘You couldn’t afford to buy the cheapest fake yet I’d give him up tomorrow if we could get back together again.’

‘That’s never going to happen.’

‘You won’t be able to cope with Nadine on your own.’

‘I’ll always be able to cope.’

‘I know you better than you know yourself. You need something back from a relationship or else you find a replacement… like you did the instant she set you free. She can’t do that now, Jake. She’s paid the price – ’

‘What price are you talking about? Is this another way of hurting her?’

‘How can I hurt her when she’s a vegetable?’

‘What did you call her?’

‘She’s in a coma with no hope of recovery. Do you have an alternative word?’

He imagined bruises marbling her pale skin and flinched from the desire to inflict them. Had the love she claimed to feel for him ever existed or had it been hammered on the anvil of her hatred for Nadine? He remembered her standing in the bay window that night, the aura of flushed excitement he had mistaken for shock. And the rows, how they flared around Nadine even when she was a continent removed from them. What did it matter now? Nadine was where she wanted her; helpless, speechless, harmless.

‘Go back to your fiancée and respect that blue diamond he gave you,’ he said. ‘Do whatever you want but don’t involve me in any part of your future.’

Feral ended her phone call and came towards them. ‘God! It’s chilly out here. Is everything all right, you two?’

Karin, ignoring the question, stretched upwards on her toes and whispered in his ear. ‘She’ll always be a vegetable, Jake. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready to let her go.’

The wind from the river feathered her hair as she walked to the edge of the pavement and raised her arm for a taxi.

‘I didn’t realise you and Karin were seeing each other again.’ Curiosity sparked behind the concern in Feral’s eyes.

‘We’re not.’

‘I see… well, I don’t actually. What’s she doing here?’

‘She came to say goodbye.’ He turned back into the hall. ‘You must be tired.’

‘More uncomfortable, than tired.’ She rested her hands on her stomach. ‘Not long now.’

He had never seen that slow swelling on Ali, had never experienced that mounting anticipation as the due date drew nearer.

He ached to be back with Nadine, sharing her silence, yet when he returned to Mount Veronica and she was exactly the same as before he left, he plunged into a rage that left him breathless.

Chapter 66

I moan. No sound. I dream. No waking.

‘Look who I met on the corridor. We recognised each other immediately. Memories, eh. That’s what’ll bring you back to us, my dear, unfortunate child.’

‘What a coincidence… imagine bumping into your father like that. I thought he was in Australia but he’s here with you, as I am. We’re waiting for you to wake up, Nadine. Can you hear us… hear us…’

Worm in ear. Must scratch. Can’t. Not Jessica…not Jessica.

Father smacks fist into hand…smack…smack…smack.…