Chilled and sickened by his discovery Jake shoved everything back into the box and replaced it. In the bathroom he removed the sodden tissue from around his foot and flushed it down the toilet. He poured a glass of water and gulped it down, swallowed hard. The pressure in his chest intensified, as if Karin was drawing her nails gently yet insistently over the membrane of his heart. He had to end this relationship before it destroyed him. He left his key to her apartment on the kitchen table and set the alarm code. He took the elevator to the car park and drove away.

Chapter 39

Jake crossed from the barn to his apartment as soon as band practice ended. The few leaves still clinging to the trees were as withered as old skin. He shivered when he entered the apartment but decided against lighting a fire. The leap of flames suggested warmth, intimacy. He turned on the central heating instead and the living-room was warm when Karin arrived. She removed her coat and draped it across the back of a chair, unwound her scarf and flung it on the sofa, kicked off her boots. Within moments she had stamped her personality on the room.

Anger curdled his stomach. His reflection in the window reminded him of an X-ray, a translucent shadow on black glass. Behind him he could see her shaking her hair loose, lifting the collar of her blouse so that it framed her chin.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked. ‘Was it a difficult rehearsal?’

‘No worse than usual,’ he replied.

She slipped her arms around his waist, rested her head against his back. ‘Then why are you so tense?’ Her body was no longer visible as she ran the fingers of one hand along his spine. He turned around and held her shoulders, walked her backwards and away from him. She took tiny steps. Why did he always think about her in miniature? How had he been so turned on by those delicate wrists and ankles? Seduced by a fragility that had never existed?

‘You told me once I was the most married man you knew,’ he said.

‘At the time, yes,’ she nodded. ‘But not now. You’ve changed.’

‘That’s the problem, Karin. I haven’t.’

She was silent for an instant, absorbing his words. ‘Are you dumping me?’ she finally asked.

‘You can use that word if you like,’ he said. ‘I’m ending our relationship.’

‘Because of this morning?’ She sounded puzzled. ‘I apologised. I was way out of line – ’

‘Way out of line doesn’t even begin to explain what you’ve been doing.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I found that box after you left.’

‘What box?’

‘The one you bought from Brian.’

‘You were snooping in my apartment.’ The irises of her eyes darkened, as if a shutter had descended.

‘I was looking for bandages – ’

‘How dare you!’

‘I found it by accident but I can’t ignore what was inside it.’

‘A few mementoes of your life.’ She could have been discussing the contents of her fridge. ‘What’s so awful about that?’

‘The fact that you don’t find it awful. The fact that you don’t find it sickening.’ He released her shoulders and stepped back from her. ‘Those photographs of Nadine… I’d no idea your hatred of her was so malign.’

‘She’s gone from your life, Jake. The same way she went from mine after that summer in Monsheelagh. Defacing her was a symbolic gesture. Ridiculous behaviour, I’m prepared to admit that. I drank too much wine one evening and couldn’t handle the memories.’

‘What memories?’

‘She destroyed my family. Did she ever tell you that?’

‘She was fifteen that summer. A child.’

She rolled up the sleeve of her blouse and held the pale underside of her arm towards him. ‘Do you remember what you wrote there? I’ve never forgotten. You drew a heart and wrote Always Together inside it.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘Oh, yes, it’s true.’ Her gaze was unflinching. ‘And here’s another truth. Nadine doesn’t understand love. Not then, not now. You chose her above me but I loved you that summer as fiercely as I love you now. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done but you keep me at arm’s length. All those excuses about not wanting to hurt your family with never a thought about how much that hurts me. So I took what small possessions I found and treasured them. That’s what love does, Jake. It fills us with the need to possess and cherish those dearest to us. Don’t let something so trivial destroy what we’ve built together.’

‘Trivial?’ He was unable to control his fury. ‘You deface those photographs of Nadine and you call it trivial. You’ve taken possession of my life and you call it trivial. You seek out my family –’

She stretched upwards and pressed her fingers against his mouth. ‘Shush… shush…’ she whispered. ‘You can punish me, Jake. I deserve to be beaten… beat me hard… I deserve to be punished… I’ve been so bad… such a bold, wicked girl… I know you want to punish me...’

‘I’ve no intention of hurting you’ His suspicions had turned to cold certainty. Their lovemaking had never been anything other than a performance staged for his benefit.

‘Intention is not the same as need,’ she said. ‘I understand violence. It’s unmistakable. But this… what you’ve been doing is worse. You’ve been playing with my mind.’

‘You can talk about mind games?’ He shoved her backwards. ‘I used to feel sorry for you. All those whacko boyfriends who messed with your head. Now I just feel sorry for them. Give me back the key to my apartment.’

‘Don’t do this, Jake.’

‘Give it to me,’ he shouted.

‘You’re making a big mistake.’ The sleeves of her blouse billowed as she delved into her handbag. An inset of blue on the cuffs, a trim of blue on the collar. He detested the flamboyant touches of colour that had once charmed him. She was not a person, he decided, but an object designed to stand on a plinth and be admired. She handed the key to him and buttoned her coat, wound her scarf around her neck. When she reached the door she turned, as if waiting for him to call her back. No tears this time.

‘Nothing can change how I feel about you,’ she said. ‘Ring me when you can no longer lie alone in that empty bed.’

He stood outside after she had driven away and breathed in the chilly night air. The wind from the estuary was harsh and icy. He had joined the ranks of Cody, Jason, Malcolm, Carl and the others who had been possessed by her. But it was over now. Like a snapped string, a broken spell, a last shuddering sigh.

Chapter 40

Snow united them all on Christmas Day. An unprecedented snowfall had frozen runways and made many roads impassable. Ali was marooned in London, her flight cancelled. Brian was unable to drive from Dingle and Mallard Cove was impassable for traffic. Eleanor, who had also planned to spend the day with Jake, was unable to reach him and had made alternative plans to dine with her neighbours. Jake would spend the day alone. No need to pretend. To be merry and festive, wear jolly hats and answer daft riddles. He would not have to eat turkey.

Frozen swathes of ice glistened on the estuary as he crunched his way through the snow to feed the huddled, bewildered swans. Back indoors, he fried rashers and sausages, toasted bread, simmered a pot of strong tea. The fire blazed and the hiss of burning logs was the only sound to break the silence. He had stocked up on food before the unseasonably heavy snowfall paralysed the country and could sit it out for at least another week.

By noon his phone was ringing constantly. Ali and Brian first, his friends from Shard and then Eleanor. Everyone seemed convinced that he would deflate with misery by having to spend Christmas Day alone.

He made pancakes for dinner. A stack of them drenched in maple syrup and brandy, delicious with a chilled, white wine. He switched on the television and opened a bottle of whiskey. Darkness fell early. A flicker at the window distracted him and the outside security light automatically switched on. He opened the door but only the curlicues of bird claws and the deeper indentation of cat paws marred the crystalline whiteness. Nothing to see except his snowbound van and a seagull flying above it. He shook off his uneasiness and returned indoors. The bird had flown too close to the light and triggered it. Nothing to worry about.