—Lewis, Amini, Lannon,

A General Theory of Love

Poetry and love letters, flowers and thoughtful gifts, opening doors and steering her gently but firmly with your hand on her elbow or arm around her waist, candlelight and soft music, champagne and a breathtaking view, breaking your stride to help an old woman or a child . . . these are the staples of heart clit stimulation. These are the things that make women’s hearts smile, but they are not the things that make her wet, not normally. It’s the brain clit teasing that makes her wet. But to get there, the heart must be willing and so these time honored traditions remain marks of love and chivalry—easy and not remarkably innovative, and yet consistently effective.

11

WEAR THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR

Silky stockings with a seam up the back, high heels, French maid’s clothes—these are just some of the clothes that men expect women to wear because it turns them on. And if you heed my advice and you tend to her clits, she will do, say, and wear, anything you want her to do, say, and wear. That’s where you want to have repeat sessions, on-demand, of mind-blowing sex. So, find out if she’s a boxer girl or a brief girl. If you think these details are unimportant, ask yourself how you feel about making love to a beautiful woman wearing granny panties. Hmm, I thought so. Just find out what her preference is and wear it when you are with her. If the thought of switching from briefs to boxers or boxers to briefs still makes you shake your head, then remember this: I’m not asking you to don four-inch heels.

“I find that slim hipped men tend to wear the briefest of bikini slips, in all different colors. More conservative men prefer to wear white cotton jockey pants. The all-American sporty fellow will like boxer shorts, since they leave a lot of space for his balls to breathe. Of course, the hip young man will wear nothing at all, just so women like me can easily check out his cock and balls.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Letters

, April 1977

12

MAKE YOUR SURROUNDINGS EROTIC

Make your surroundings erotic. If you want to make the statement that you are a sensual being (and who wouldn’t want that?) then make sure that where you live has sensual surroundings. Use flowers, candles, soft music, and maybe even erotic art, which today is a field of its own. Feng Shui your way to declaring who you are and what is important to you.

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

—Billy Crystal

When you are planning your date, think like a theater producer, like a set designer. Think about what kind of erotic mood you are trying to set and put some energy into adding special touches that will enhance that mood.

“Think Like a Set Designer. What is the scene you are trying to create? Is it a Hindu temple? A magic cave? A vampire’s lair? Another planet? Be creative! You do not have to go out and have a set built, but keeping an image in mind will make it easier and more fun to choose the elements you’ll use to create your space.”

—Barbara Carrellas,

Urban Tantra

You must know that you have to carefully plan your spontaneity. Only the most practiced and sophisticated seducers can get away without forethought and planning. Scratch that. This group of men has done it so many times that it is habit—which means they are giving it forethought, as well, but without the energy it might take Mr. Average Joe. Women love spontaneity and they don’t even mind if it is a bit contrived—in this case, it is truly the thought that counts. Women love it when a man tries to be romantic and tries to be creative. It doesn’t happen much, so when a woman stumbles across a man who puts real effort into creating the scene, reading her, and making it right, it is likely she will end up adoring him.

13

TRAIN YOUR BODY

You will never be a great lover without stamina. Men who exercise have more staying power, just like women who exercise have an easier time reaching climax. Maybe it is the act of respecting our bodies, maybe it is the confidence that comes naturally from being fit, or maybe it is purely stamina, but the benefits to your sex life for being in good shape are numerous. Don’t try to take short-cuts. Even if Viagra makes your penis stay hard for a long time, if you want to be a great lover, you need to be in shape.

Aside from the physical efforts to get your body to its prime, look also at supplements and foods that might lend a helping hand. There are a number of plants and vitamins, for example, that reportedly help boost sexual stamina. From Linda Sussman’s book Complete Satisfaction, we get this list of vitamins that contribute to healthy sex: Gingko biloba is known to improve blood flow through the body, promoting potency in men and orgasmic release in women. Ginseng encourages the body to make more testosterone. St. John’s wort is a natural antidepressant and a natural libido lifter (it is also known to decrease effectiveness of the birth control pill, so beware on this one). Avena sativa, a green oat straw, is known to alleviate problems of low libido, again, by raising testosterone levels. And finally, there is damiana, which is a sexual stimulant that increases circulation to the genitals.

Sexy fruits and spices known for their aphrodisiac-like affects include oranges, which boost the flow of blood to the penis, and strawberries, which are known for their contribution to sexual satisfaction, Pumpkin pie is said to make both sexes horny (actually, it’s the nutmeg and cinnamon, not the pie, but the pie generally comes with whipped cream, and that has possibilities all on its own).

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

—Robin Williams

Sweat is actually a powerful aphrodisiac. Don’t think you must shower after working out and before engaging in sexual activity. Although some clean-freaks will insist, they don’t know that sweat is filled with “come fuck me” pheromones. I have read that in Europe during the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, a courting woman would stick a slice of apple under her armpit and wear it there; when she met a suitable suitor, she would offer him her “love fruit.”

14

TRAIN YOUR PENIS

All the truly great lovers I know and have known, were serious jerk-off artists all their lives and they not only regard masturbation as a necessary workout, but use their solitary exercise sessions to practice gaining and losing erections, delaying orgasm, and perfecting new or unusual sexual techniques. In the end, their ladies win from those efforts.

Most men masturbate. Were it not for the fact that there are a few guys around who are genuinely impotent, I would say that all men masturbate. And most men have a complicated two-way relationship between their ego and their penis, i.e., almost all men hate to be caught masturbating. Most of you began masturbating under furtive circumstances, and perhaps, part of the thrill is in the secrecy of it.

“The secret masturbator is an addict to his/her solitary sessions and regards them as being on par with religious meditation, a search for nirvana.”

—Xaviera Hollander,

Penthouse Magazine

, July 2001

I once received a letter from a young man that contained a little quiz. It read as follows: Which part of the human anatomy does a man use most when he masturbates? Answer: His ears, as he is constantly listening to see if someone is coming to catch him in the act.