It takes all my remaining self-control to finish brunch and head with Kohen to the carnival instead of seeking out Harper. I know that if she wanted to talk, she would have said something to me. Hopefully she’ll be ready tomorrow. Until then, I push all of this to the back of my mind. It’s time to enjoy a day at the carnival with Kohen in Manhattan.

Hand-in-hand, Kohen and I walk up to the ticket booth. I tell myself to forget about wanting to be here with Jax and to have fun with the man that wants to spend time with me, the man who isn’t afraid to be seen with me.

“Someone is a little excited,” he observes.

I twirl myself around, using his hand to spin me. Laughing, we amble to the first ride, my personal favorite . . . bumper cars. Showing our wrist bands to the attendant, we head over to separate cars. I, of course, pick the pink one. Kohen chooses the black one across from mine. I smile wickedly at him.

“You’re going down.” I even give him two thumbs down to stress my point.

The music fades away so the attendant can review the rules. When I notice Kohen watching me, I wink at him.

I ram into Kohen and laugh as he maneuvers his bumper car in-between mine and the others, taking the hits for me. Maybe I should have informed him that this is a game and I can’t get hurt? The ride ends far too quickly for my liking. Kohen slings his arms over my shoulder while he reminds me about all of the other rides and cotton candy. Yum!

We go on rides for the next few hours, hitting everything twice, some three times because I’m a little kid at heart. I’m surprised how easy he makes it to forget about Jax, and everything else. I’m enjoying myself because of him. After we go on the Zipper, we’re both in desperate need of refueling. As we stand in line for food, I contemplate opening up to him, to an extent. Right now seems like the perfect time.

Kohen orders burgers, fries, and one large coke to share. He leads me to an empty bench away from the crowd. We eat in silence. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to date Jax in the open, for it not to be a secret. Kohen takes my hand into his, raises it up to his lips and kisses the inside of my palm. It’s hard not to notice the nonexistent goosebumps. If he was Jax, my skin would be on fire with a simple touch like that.

“So I’ve told you all about growing up as an only child.”

Crap, I know where he’s going with this. Even though I’ve been considering opening up to him, I haven’t been able to get the words out. I didn’t know where to start.

“How was it growing up with Logan? Has he always been so protective over you? I swear, sometimes I don’t know if I should be more worried of Logan’s approval or Jax’s.”

I brush off his dislike for Jax with a laugh. It comes out forced, like the way he’s forcing a smile even though we’re talking about Jax. I need to change the subject, it’s been clear that Jax is not something we discuss.

Okay, I can do this. He’s given me the perfect opening. I decide to only mention the good parts. I’m not ready to share the accident, not yet.

“Logan was impossibly protective of Hadley and me.” I can see the surprise on his face, all of the questions, but he composes himself and lets me finish. “He included me in everything he did when we were younger. He would even make the guys watch The Little Mermaid.

“When Hadley came along, we would play dress up with her. She loved to remind us that we were her real dolls. Jax and Connor were even roped into attending her tea parties and dressing up. We were all forced into tutus and tiaras.”

Kohen stiffens at the mention of his name which I ignore. I chuckle, remembering walking into the house after practice with all three sweaty soccer boys in different shades of pink tutus and tiaras, drinking pretend tea with stuffed animals. Hadley was around six or seven so the guys were thirteen, I believe.

I don’t say anything for awhile, as I remember what lengths we would all go to make Hads happy. After a few minutes of memories floating through my mind, Kohen breaks the silence.

“And your dad?” he asks tentatively.

“My dad, Andy, was extremely strict when it came to his little girls and boys. I think that’s where Logan gets it from and why he’s fond of running background checks.”

Kohen forces out a laugh that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Don’t worry I’m sure yours came back with flying colors, or I wouldn’t be allowed to see you,” I say to ease his noticeable tension.

He grins at me, but again it seems forced. I shouldn’t have said anything, hopefully it doesn’t ruin our day. Right as I open my mouth to apologize for my brother, even though I’m not really sorry, Kohen shakes his head and recovers from his sour mood.

“And Jax? Has he always been this protective over you, too?”

There is no easy way to talk about Jax. Just thinking about him makes my heart beat a little faster. I choose to ignore why. This is not a conversation I want to have with Kohen.

I shrug. “He’s been Logan’s best friend since I was seven. I was always around. I guess Jax forgets that I’m not his responsibility. Old habits and all that.”

He takes ahold of my hand again. “You’re a wonderful package to be a part of, Adalynn. They’re lucky to have been in your lives for so long.”

His words should be endearing, but I feel like he just stabbed me in the gut. All I can think about is Hadley’s lifeless body while I was unable to help her, watching as the paramedics fought to bring her back. She’s in the ground while I’m not. Why? She deserves to be here, not me. I force these disturbing thoughts away. Time for a change of subject.

“Do you know anyone that would love to buy me cotton candy and win me a bear?”

He makes a show of looking around. “I think I might know the right man for the job.”

I help him collect our trash. I flee to the cotton candy vendor, hoping being in the crowd again will help chase away the haunting memories. He buys me a huge bag of pink cotton candy and I dive right into it. Tearing off a piece, I feed it to him. He pulls my finger into his mouth and sucks the cotton candy off it. Slowly he allows me to drag out my finger, but not before he bites the tip. Now would be a perfect time to give into him and forget about Jax.

“Mmm, best cotton candy I’ve ever had.”

I force the images of Jax’s naked body away. Picturing him is what makes my face heat up, not Kohen’s sexual advances.

Kohen plays three games of shooting cans off moving objects so he can win the biggest stuffed animal here. It happens to be a brown bear with a pink tutu around it’s waist and a tiara. Fitting. Kohen holds the stuffed animal out to me.

“It’s perfect!” I say. “What should we name her?”

Kohen rubs his chin as if in deep thought. “What makes you think it’s a girl?”

I glare at him.

He gives me an innocent expression, but I know better. “What? It looks like a manly bear to me.”

As I balance the overly large bear on my hip, Kohen draws me to him. When his lips touch mine, the memories fade a little more, into the distance. I back away before he can turn it into something much hotter.

“How many manly bears do you see wearing a tutu?” I don’t wait for him to respond. “Of course it’s a girl!”

“So just because it has a tutu, it’s a girl? I’m pretty sure you know a few guys that like to wear tutus and tiaras.”

I can’t help it, I snicker. He always know how to evoke a smile from me.

“Well, when you put it like that.”

“How about Mac? That’s a manly name for a bear like this.”

I choke a little and tense at the name. Hadley’s teddy bear, her favorite teddy bear, the only one she slept with every night, the one buried with her, was named Mac. How does he know? It can’t be a coincidence, could it? I’m about to ask him, but think better of it. It’s just a name, I’m analyzing this too much.