“It’s so beautiful,” I said, throwing my arms around him as I pushed him to the floor.

“Baby, there’s more”—kiss–“about”—kiss—“box”—kiss–he whispered as I ignored him, planting my lips feverishly all over his face.

“I’m going to be HAM!!” I laughed into his chest.

“What?!” He chuckled, holding me tightly to him.

“I need you naked,” I insisted, tugging on his lip and rubbing him through his pants.

“No objection there,” he whispered back, pushing up my skirt and molding his gentle hands around my ass, dragging me up and down his length. Pushing my tongue along his mouth, he darted his out, meeting mine and then sat up, gently lifting me with him as he brought me to the bedroom filled with the same candlelight. I looked around us, my legs hooked around his waist, soaking it all in. Unable to hold in my curiosity, I finally brought my ring into view behind his neck, admiring it.

“It’s perfect,” I said, noting the oval diamond in an antique setting.

He buried his head in my neck, murmuring to me as he lowered me to the mattress. I watched him undress slowly as he kept his eyes glued to me. I slid my dress over my head and discarded my bra and panties.

Spreading my legs, he didn’t hesitate as he found my mouth and buried his length inside me in one sweeping motion. I choked on the feel of him as he started moving, desperately hungry and completely unashamed as he whispered, “all mine.”

One month later

 

The consistent slamming woke me as I looked at the clock. It was 5 a.m. With a loud crash, I reached the kitchen in seconds to find Jayden pacing and cursing. He looked up at me with a glare.

“What...what’s wrong?” I stood with a t-shirt on and nothing else as he surveyed the boxes in the kitchen.

“I can’t find anything! Look at this fucking mess!” I noted that the only thing in the way were the two small boxes I had moved in from my apartment.

“Jayden, it’s just a couple of boxes. I’ll unpack them and put them up after work.”

“THEY ARE EVERYWHERE! I CAN’T FIND MY FUCKING COFFEE!”

Recognizing this as the same voice as the night he confronted Randy, I made myself aware this was one of those times and I backed away from him.

“I’ll find your coffee. I’ll go get some.”

“No!” His voice was sharp and it stung. “No, what you need to do is get this shit organized. I can’t deal with this!”

I’d moved in with him the day before and he’d seemed anxious then but more tolerant. I’d taken it with a grain of salt, knowing he wasn’t used to the clutter. I hadn’t weighed that it would throw him to such hysterics.

“Jayden, listen, I’ll take the day. I’ll call in and ask Marcy for the day. It will all be gone when you get home.”

“Like I believe you. I’ve seen the way you live.”

I flinched at the hurtful remark, and unable to hold back, I defended myself. “You wanted me to move in! These are my things. They come with me! Do not talk to me like that!”

“Well, your things are everywhere!”

“Jayden, calm down!” I knew we were probably disturbing the neighbors with the hour being what it was.

“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. You are destroying my apartment.”

“And you’re being completely irrational!” I had to work to soothe myself. The way he was looking at me was foreign. It was as if he was disgusted.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” I begged, racking my brain for any way to calm him. And then, thinking fast on my feet, I told him, “Oh, I put your coffee in the freezer. I heard it keeps it fresher longer.”

He stopped pacing to look at me like I was the single dumbest human on earth. “What?!”

“It’s in the freezer and I’m done fighting. It’s five o’clock in the morning. I’ll have my shit out of your hair before the day is done.” I turned to walk away and heard the crash of one of my boxes. I jumped with a small scream and made my way to the bedroom. Twenty minutes later, Jayden slammed the front door.

I scrambled to the kitchen to see he had knocked my box over and loose silverware was on the floor. I sat in the middle of the kitchen talking to Marcy on the phone while I scooped up the silverware, putting it back in the canister. Marcy, clearly concerned by my tone, asked if I was okay.

“I just need a day. I’m sorry about this.”

“No worries. Moving is stressful. We’ll see you tomorrow.” I thanked her then hung up. I felt the oncoming of tears and pushed them down. I’d been warned. His outburst was a side-effect of his disorder. I had signed up for this and I knew what it entailed. It didn’t make his aggression any less painful. But I knew what it was. Brushing the pain of Jayden’s wrath away, I pushed my shoulders back and got to work.

It was too cold for me to swim laps that day, so I opted to take a long walk when Jayden was due to be home. I wasn’t ready to see him. I was still nervous and was unsure if he would agree with where I had placed my things. I had to remind myself that I didn’t have to walk on egg shells around the man I’d come to love so deeply. That man would without a shadow of a doubt let me know quickly what his tastes were.

“Hi.” I jumped at the sound of Jayden’s voice behind me and turned to look back at him. His eyes told me it hurt him to see me flinch at his voice.

“Hi,” I said back, pulling on Trip’s leash so he would stop his trotting.

Jayden took a step forward. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell you in a text. It wasn’t enough.”

“I deserve that apology. That was bullshit,” I said, taking a step back. “And I’m mad at you for the way you treated me, but I know what that was. Just give me time to get over it.”

Jayden looked down at his shoes. “Hilary—”

“Leave me alone, okay. We’re good. I just don’t want to be around you right now.”

Jayden looked up at me, pain clear in his eyes. “Okay.” As he walked away, it took everything in me not to stop him. I didn’t expect his outbursts to be directed toward me. I didn’t expect to feel so damn twisted inside when it happened, either. I don’t know what I expected, but it sure as hell wasn’t that.

And that was the moment every single warning I’d gotten clicked into place.

That night in bed next to a sleeping Jayden, I finally did my research. Jayden’s outburst had made me more than curious about what I was dealing with. With each click of the mouse, I felt more and more guilty that I hadn’t so much as bothered to assess what he had to deal with on a daily basis. It was becoming more evident I had been way too blasé about it.

Becoming more and more unsettled with each click of my mouse, I looked over to Jayden who was sleeping peacefully with what I’d just read going through my head. Every single article on ADHD said the same thing: odds were not in our favor. Relationships involving a person with ADHD were difficult to maintain. People who married ADHD sufferers were more likely to divorce and on and on.

Looking at Jayden’s profile, his lips slightly parted, I couldn’t imagine anything other than being with the man beside me. This was the man I loved. All of him, the parts that worked and the ones that didn’t work for him, I loved all of him completely. I’d agreed to be his wife wholeheartedly and before that to never give up on him. I closed my laptop and lay beside him, staring at his face. I had been lucky in my past. I hadn’t had to deal with what other women typically went through to get to the good ones. I had mostly mature adult relationships that just didn’t work out for one reason or another.

As much as I was in love with the idea of love, it was only until Jayden had come into my life that I understood what poetry it truly could be. Gambling on our relationship could cause me a lot of heartache and headache, but that decision had already been made.