“What the hell are you talking about? Do you really think that? That I’d believe anyone was better suited for this job than you? You’re the only one I trust to oversee it all.”
Helena swallowed hard. “Lark, that’s not the best idea.”
Her sister cursed beneath her breath. “Oh shut up. If you’re going to bring up the haven thing, just stop.”
“You can pretend it doesn’t matter, but it was my decision to send the witches to the havens. And that got them killed. All those lives in my hands and they’re dead.”
“It wasn’t the choice that killed them, Helena. What happened was so much beyond what any of us could combat. We’re all of us fucking treading water here.”
When the Magister’s attacks got worse, and more and more Others were turning up missing and dead, The Gennessee called together the Full Council and they decided to send the most vulnerable witches in the Clan to the havens. Havens were safe spots, well away from the city, guarded. Helena had been the deciding vote to send the witches—supposedly—out of harm’s way. Until one of the smaller havens in Indio had been discovered and all twenty-two witches there, including five children, had disappeared.
One glaring fact remained. “But you didn’t make that choice.”
Lark sucked in a breath. “I could have, though. It was a perfectly reasonable choice to make. It could have easily been me. You didn’t make the wrong choice. Hell, how many Others died when the Magister manifested? Huh? I didn’t stop it in time. We lost a lot of people, Helena. We did the best we could. You and me, we had the weight of all those lives on our shoulders and we did all we could with what we had.”
And it hadn’t been enough. Helena had to live with that knowledge every day.
Lark broke into her thoughts. “I know we haven’t had enough time to talk about all this stuff. We need to. But I want to be face-to-face when we do. I want to be able to knock out a few bottles of wine and hash everything out. That’s not happening anytime soon, but it will. Just know that. In the meantime, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened at the haven. You are the person I trust more than anyone else to do this. I mean that.”
Tears came, surprising her. All the hard-won walls she’d built against the well of emotion and fear crumbled at the edges. Oh goddess, not now. She just couldn’t. Didn’t want to talk about the haven thing anymore. There was nothing to be done about it. It was over and the shame of her failure would hopefully make her a better hunter. “I’ll call you when I learn more. Rebecca is having a phone conference with Meriel and some of the other witches about whether or not continuing this road show is viable. I’m sure you’ll hear when I do, but I’ll check in when I know anything.”
Lark paused and Helena knew she wanted to say more. But thankfully, she didn’t. “All right. I love you. Please be safe.”
“I love you too.” She hung up and with a groan, heaved herself up from the couch. She had work to do.
Faine seemed to appear out of nowhere, scowling at her and blocking her exit from the room. “Sit back down. What can I get for you?”
“I need to work.”
“You need to rest.”
“You’re not the boss of me.”
“Thank heavens. I can’t imagine what a shitty job that would be. You’re disobedient and reckless and you take on far more than you’re responsible for.”
She didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly she found herself gasping on a sob and a flood of tears.
He softened, a sad smile marking his lips. “Come on.” He took her hand and led her to her room, pulling her blankets back. “In.”
“Please go away.” She tried to pull the covers up over her head, but he lay down next to her, pinning her in place with the bed coverings, the heat of him soothing as well as discomfiting.
“I’m not going anywhere. Just let it go. Get it all out.” He settled in, pulling her into his arms. The power of it, of letting go and being taken care of, soothed, was nearly overwhelming. And then his magick rose, teasing hers just when she wasn’t sure she was capable of even the most basic of spells.
She didn’t have the energy to hold him back and hold herself together at the same time. His power was warm and wild, it seemed to rush through her veins, teasing her senses, enticing, seducing.
She opened her eyes to peek at him and found him staring at her, a look of wonder stamped on his features.
“I never expected you.”
“What?” She wiped her face with the edge of her sleeve. No doubt she was red and puffy and her hair was a mess because she had jammed it into a ponytail after her shower.
“You’re more than I ever imagined you’d be.” He snorted, leaning close to kiss each eyelid. “So tender. You take so much on and you do it with such power and ability that no one would know how fragile you are just underneath.”
“Great. On top of everything else, I’m fragile.”
“No. Helena, you’re magnificent. You’re the finest female I have ever beheld in my entire existence. And believe me, I’ve seen a lot in many worlds. You are strong. Righteous. Courageous. Today, you nearly killed me when you pulled that spell together. But you did it and you did it because that’s what you do. You protected your people and even those humans who’d just been insulting you because you’re that person.”
She closed her eyes, willing the newly sprung tears to go away.
“It is all right to cry sometimes. You don’t need to hide in the shower, or pretend to be above it. It doesn’t make you less of a warrior.”
Her eyes snapped open.
“Yes, I heard you that night at my house. And it broke my heart because you are so strong and yet, you don’t think you can lean on anyone else. Just for a little while.” He tipped her chin so she was looking into his eyes. “You can lean on me. You can cry and know I respect you. You can cry and know I’ve fallen apart a little after a battle like the one you’ve been waging for months. Everyone has to break a little or they’ll break all the way.”
“Why?”
He thumbed her tears away and she was instantly sorry she’d asked because she wasn’t sure she could handle the answer.
“I think you know. But that’s all right, I’ll give you the words because I need to say them out loud. Make my declaration.”
Declaration?
He laughed at her reaction. “Scared?”
“You’re sort of scary.”
His grin made her less afraid of what he’d say and more interested in what he’d look like naked.
“I’m very scary. But not to you. I want you to lean on me because I want you. I want all of you, Helena Jaansen. Since the first time I met you I knew you were special. And everything I’ve seen since has only confirmed that. I thought it was a passing fancy at first. You’re beautiful and powerful. A male like me finds those qualities fairly irresistible.” He grinned again and she groaned.
He stole a kiss and with it her breath.
“I was in Seattle and with Molly while you had your own job to do, but then our paths kept crossing. And I got to know you. I saw through your prickly demeanor and the quite frankly bizarre way you keep all your clothes and shoes color coordinated and arranged according to length, height, whatever. You’re trying to control things in a world utterly out of control. And you are doing it with all your might and that, Helena, is why I cannot get you out of my head. You are singular. You are the female I was meant to find and love.”
“Love? Listen here, buster, I have a horrible track record with love. Also I’ve only known you a few months.”
“That witch you were engaged to was a fool. It doesn’t mean you have a horrible track record. It means you hadn’t found the right male until now. As far as being too soon to love you? Pah.”
She laughed, unable to resist being delighted. “Pah?”
“Pah.” He nodded his head once. “You’re a thing of light and magick. You are not human. Don’t cling to what they can’t see because they refuse to look with something other than their eyes. I’m not human. I’m not young or inexperienced either. I’ve loved before. And that love wasn’t anything compared to what you make me feel every time I think about you. Months I’ve watched you fight. I’ve watched you give orders. I’ve watched you make passionate arguments about things you believed in. I’ve watched you protect and defend and I’ve watched you break apart when you couldn’t save people. It’s so intimate, that glimpse I get every once in a while when your defenses are down and you let me in. I know what I feel. I know what I want. I want you. And I know you want me. I know how you watch me. I tasted your desire when you kissed me. Each time you’ve kissed me. There’s no reason to pretend otherwise. It’s a waste of time.”