Even though I’d known Riley around the time that everything had changed, it had started happening several months before I’d met him, and he’d never known anything about it. Why I had trouble sleeping. Why I didn’t like to be snuck up on. Why I hated bear hugs. Why I liked being in control. He didn’t know the reason for any of it. And he’d never questioned it.
He’d known something was off, of course. He would’ve had to have been blind not to, especially since after we started hooking up, I stayed with him most nights. Anything to escape. The nightmares had been worse back then, near nightly, and I’d been lucky Riley had been a heavy sleeper, unaware of the torment my mind caused me. I could never predict when they’d come on. They were always awful, though, making me a victim all over again, only at that time, when it’d be my dreams holding me hostage, it was my mind to which I’d become a victim, and I hated that I’d had that stolen from me, too.
While I’d never had an idealistic childhood, the kind with Sunday mornings in bed reading the paper and birthday parties in a backyard surrounded by a white picket fence, what I had experienced had been okay. Not great, but okay.
We’d never been very well-off, both my parents working full-time and picking up extra shifts whenever they could in hopes of getting even a little bit ahead. And while initially they had tried to keep it from me, I’d always known we lived paycheck to paycheck. But it had been fine. It’d been a struggle sometimes, sure, embarrassing when I’d have friends over and we didn’t have any food in the house or our cable had been shut off because the bill hadn’t been paid. But even with the embarrassment, it had been fine.
Until suddenly it wasn’t.
Until suddenly the walls felt too close, the rooms too small, the scents and sounds and looks all too much, and I never wanted to be home. Did everything in my power so I wouldn’t have to be.
I couldn’t even pinpoint one specific thing, because suddenly it was like an avalanche of shit was falling on us, falling on me, and I was drowning under it all. I’d started high school, a different one than most of my friends. My dad had lost his job, gotten laid off after seventeen years at the same company. And my mom had to switch to third shift for the higher pay, just so we could afford to stay in our small, shitty house and be able to buy groceries.
It was like one week everything had been normal—not great, not particularly picturesque, but normal for us. And then the next, I was skipping school and getting involved with the crew just so I’d have a place to go, something to do so I wouldn’t have to go home.
What I hadn’t anticipated finding was the power trip I’d gotten with every job Max had sent me on. And I definitely hadn’t anticipated that I’d eventually come to crave that power.
Crave the power that had been stripped from me in the months prior.
It had been the worst time of my life, the dozens of months that shaped the very person I was today, and I hated that I’d let that time mold me, but how could I not? Every decision I’d made, every path I’d taken, had been a direct result of that.
The only good thing that had come out of that time was that I’d met Riley. He’d come into my life, slipped into the dark places casting shadows over me, and been a tiny bit of light. A sunburst on my gray days.
But it was always tainted, because no matter how good Riley made me feel, how safe and secure, how in control, it had always come crashing down when I’d been away from him. When I’d had no choice but to go home. Go back to my house, to the place where my dreams turned into nightmares.
Chapter Twenty-Two
RILEY
By the time Evie came out of the bathroom, I’d long since hung up with Aaron, telling him we’d be in touch later to figure out how we wanted to proceed. And that, for now, to let Jade go to Evie’s parents as planned. I’d follow Evie’s wishes for the time being, but she was going to tell me what the fuck was going on.
As her footsteps came closer, I asked, “What was that all about?”
Except when she came around the front of the couch to face me, she didn’t answer. Instead, she unzipped her hoodie and tossed it on the couch. I raised my eyebrows as she undressed in front of me, slipping off her pants and throwing them next to her sweatshirt, until she was standing there in the outfit that had filled my dreams for three nights now—a thin tank top and those tiny shorts. As sexy as it was, though, I couldn’t concentrate on what she was offering, too focused on what the hell was going on with her.
I blew out a sigh and reached up, scratching my jaw. “Look, I get that you’re hoping for a distraction, and, baby, you know I will give it to you. A hundred times. Fucking you isn’t exactly a hardship. But before I do, I wanna know why the hell you’re so pissed, what it is you’re trying to ignore.”
“Get up,” she said. Ordered, really.
Huffing out a laugh, I just stared at her, thinking she couldn’t be serious with this shit.
“Now, Riley. Get up.”
It was obvious she was itching for a fight, and after seeing her strip down to next to nothing, it was clear she wanted to spar to work off some of that energy. I stood from the couch, reached back, and tugged my shirt over my head, leaving my running pants on. “Fine. But we’re going to talk about this. As soon as you get this out of your system, you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on.”
She didn’t give me any warning, no tell on her face, before she came at me with jabs and kicks, everything in quick succession. It was challenging to keep up with her, her smaller size giving her an advantage, but she still didn’t have my strength or my years of training. Despite the fact that she wasn’t holding back, I made sure to keep myself in check, giving her enough leeway that she could get this out of her system without getting hurt in the process.
When she came at me with a roundhouse kick to the side—one I barely dodged—I progressed on her, forcing her to move back. “Now you’re just pissing me off. Quit trying to attack me, and tell me what the fuck is going on.”
She didn’t answer in anything but more jabs and kicks, and this time, when she went for a roundhouse kick again, I knew it was coming and dodged it, then spun and grabbed her arm, pulling it behind her as I gripped her with my other arm and held her to my chest, both her arms pinned to her sides. “What the fuck has you so worked up?”
Without answering, she dropped her weight, throwing me off balance and allowing her room to wiggle from my grasp—the exact move I taught her to get free. The aggression in her face wasn’t any less, and I didn’t let her get very far before I took the opening she wasn’t even aware she gave me and pinned her face-first to the wall, much like I had at her house. We were both breathing heavily, my chest brushing along her back with each inhale, and I used this time to take stock of my body. My ribs ached, my shins, too. She’d managed to get in a few solid kicks. I’d be sore as hell tomorrow. All in all, a great sparring session. If she wasn’t pissed as hell and taking that out on me.
“Have you had enough?” I asked in her ear.
EVIE
How could I answer him? I’d thought sparring would help. Feeling that rush of power when I’d gotten out of one of Riley’s holds, when I’d managed to surprise him, but it hadn’t helped. It hadn’t been enough. This need I felt … this compulsion to get the control I craved, hadn’t yet been satisfied.
And I only knew one way I could rectify that.
Before Riley could ask again, I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my mouth to his, tugging his lip with my teeth. He groaned, easing off me so I could turn, and then his hands were cupping my face, the kiss clumsy and harsh and bruising, and I didn’t care. I scratched my nails down his chest, digging into his skin, leaving stripes of red along the way. I wanted to mark him up, remind him—remind myself—that I was the one doing it. That I had the power to.