“I strongly urge you to stick to the script,” said Smith.

“I strongly urge you to go fuck yourself.”

Smith played that around on his lips. “You’re making a mistake,” he said. “When you change your mind, I’ll be in touch.”

I detected a hint of a smile cross his lips.

“When I’ve changed my mind?” I asked.

He nodded at me. “When,” he said, as he walked out the door.

18

MY OFFICE MATE, Shauna Tasker, stuck her head in around six o’clock. She mentioned dinner, and I soon found myself at one of the new trendy restaurants in town, a Spanish place called Cena. We ordered a couple of tapas—dates wrapped in bacon and an omelet of potato and onions—after which Shauna ate a pork chop stuffed with goat cheese, while I pushed a piece of black grouper around the plate and avoided the mushrooms, which I hate and didn’t realize were part of the dish.

I’d had a few vodkas and sensed danger. I didn’t use alcohol to escape so much as to change the landscape, to alter something. Maybe there was no difference. But I felt my emotions destabilize, and I also sensed something hanging between Shauna and me.

Shauna seemed to be appraising me, which I didn’t particularly enjoy, but she had her subtle ways of doing so that made it hard for me to be angry. She had a gift for that sort of thing. She could operate in any circle, the wealthy client or the poor, men or women. She had delicate features combined with silky blond hair that might be described as pretty, but not in a threatening way. Other women liked her and most men both liked her and lusted after her. She knew all of this and thrived accordingly. On the surface she was generally regarded as sincere, open, trustworthy, sometimes passionate. But those pretty blue eyes were skeptical. She had an internal barometer that cautioned against intimacy, that generally distrusted others. She was the best judge of character I’d ever known, which is what made me uneasy when she trained that judgment on me.

She asked me what I’d been doing yesterday, when I was once again AWOL from the office. The truth was there were still many days when I just couldn’t function, when I was no use to anyone, when I couldn’t stand the pity, when I couldn’t concentrate, when I just didn’t give a shit about anything. I simply told her I’d been “reading at home,” which was true if you counted paperback novels. She didn’t seem to think much of the answer.

“You talk to Pete lately?” I asked her. She hadn’t known Pete particularly well. Shauna was my age, so she didn’t go to high school with Pete, who was a freshman when we graduated. But she’d gotten to know him a bit after Talia and Emily died, when they tag-teamed on the Jason Kolarich Sympathy Tour, taking turns making sure I had company while I was nursing my wounds.

“Not recently,” she said. “Why?”

I shook my head. “I think he’s back to his old tricks. Scoring.”

“Cocaine? No, I don’t know about that. I’m not sure I would know.”

“Yeah, Pete’s pretty good at keeping it under wraps.”

“Is this serious? Or is it just when he’s out partying?”

I didn’t know. “I’m not sure I make that distinction,” I said. “Sometimes it’s hard to keep recreational from becoming addictive.” I lifted my empty glass of vodka to the waitress, signaling for another. Shauna was still working on a glass of wine and shook her head. “I’ve had my back turned, Shauna. I’ve been so caught up in myself—first that Almundo trial and then Talia and Emily—I haven’t been watching that kid. I feel like I’ve—”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.” Shauna raised a hand. “Just—please don’t say that you’ve let your brother down.”

She went quiet. I didn’t know what to make of the hostility, which she took out on the remaining piece of pork on her plate, shaking her head in disgust as she did so.

“The hell is your problem?” I asked.

“No problem here, Kolarich. Not a care in the world.” She finished the rest of the pork chop, and I tired of focusing on the fish I had no intention of eating. The waitress brought me a fresh vodka and Shauna watched me.

“Say something,” I said.

“Say something?”

“Yeah, say some goddamn thing.”

“Okay. Okay.” She wiped his mouth with her napkin. “Get off your ass, Jason.”

“Come again?”

“Snap out of it. Get off your ass.”

“Oh, wait. Is this the get-busy-living-or-get-busy-dying speech? My wife and child died, but I didn’t? They’d want me to get on with my life? That about cover it?”

Shauna looked away, that expression of distaste that she used effectively. “I haven’t said anything for—what—four months now. Four months, I’ve watched you beat yourself up. Blaming yourself for Talia and Emily. Not pitying yourself. That, I could understand. But you’ve managed to rewrite the script so that everything is your fault.”

I took a healthy drink of the Stoli that the waitress placed before me. It went down harsh, a burn in the back of my throat.

“And now you’re doing the same thing with your brother, who, last I checked, is nearly thirty years old, which I believe puts him in the category of adult.”

“I see.”

“Don’t belittle what I’m saying. Don’t do that.” As she spoke, the sleeve of her shirt dipped into some sauce on her plate. “Look, I know you feel bad about getting caught up in that trial when Emily was born. I know it was hard on Talia, and I could sense that you guys were having a few problems. The timing was terrible. Your baby’s born just as you’re second-chairing a monster trial that could make your whole career. Okay. So the trial comes first. It has to. You were doing this for your family.”

“Was I?”

She drew back. “Of course you were. What, you’re gonna tell me you enjoyed it, too? You got an ego boost? You were enjoying the thrill of a headline case? You got off on seeing your name in the paper? Is that supposed to be a crime? You liked what you were doing, Jason. That’s allowed.”

“Tell that—”

“—to Talia, and Emily. I know. I get it. I’ve heard it fifty times now. You would have made it up to them, Jason. I know you. I know you would have. But you never got to, because something really tragic happened. But that doesn’t make it your fault. See the difference there? So when you go the cemetery every single day at lunch to talk to your wife and daughter—”

I recoiled.

“Yes,” she continued, “I followed you once, and I really don’t care if you don’t like it. When you go visit them every day, you can tell them how much you love them and how much you miss them. You can tell them that you were planning to make up for lost time if you’d had the chance, but do not take responsibility for their deaths. Okay?”

At the neighboring table, a woman was having a birthday. The waitress delivered a piece of fried custard with a single candle on it as the table broke into song. Everyone seemed to enjoy making a big spectacle of it.

Talia’s birthday is next week.

I gestured to Shauna. “You dragged your sleeve through your plate.”

“I know and it sucks. I just bought this.” She dabbed her napkin into her glass of water and we both laughed.

I TOOK A CAB HOME. My head was a little foggy from the vodka. I had some of the case file at home with me, but I wasn’t in the shape or the state of mind to focus on it.

I walked into Emily’s room. My heart did a small leap as I flicked on the light, a fancy little chandelier Talia had purchased for the room. The whole nursery was pink and green, from the wallpaper and paint to the crib, even a custom rocking chair Talia had ordered. I sat in the chair and rocked, my eyes dancing when I closed them. I thought I could still smell her, the baby lotion we used, the cream we used on her tush. I had a distinct image of her face, her eyes alighting when I lifted her into the air.