But the past was the past, and I couldn’t let those what-ifs slip into my mind. What-ifs were worse than regrets. I could deal with regrets, because at least I tried. What-ifs were the possibilities I never had the balls to pursue.
The redhead slid onto the stool beside me, placing her hand suggestively on my upper thigh, and soon I was brought back to the now.
“You want to get out of here?” I focused my attention squarely on the redhead and decided that Ashlyn was an adult and could do whatever the hell she wanted. I had no right to her.
With a lick of her lips and a flutter of her eyes, I got my answer, and I was leaving with my entertainment for the night.
Six hours, two rounds of fucking, and a hand job later, I was sneaking out of a swanky hotel suite in the city and climbing into a cab to head home. The sky transformed into a burst of purples, with glimpses of orange. As usual, I was leaving before the awkward morning after talk, and the rejection I would cause when making it clear that I was a one-night man.
Why was I a one-night man? Because the woman who tormented my thoughts, who clawed her way into my heart, who I craved like the perfect drug, was someone I stepped away from years ago. My greatest regret, my biggest sacrifice, my ultimate temptation. The reason? It was something I held close to my chest.
As the morning sunshine beamed through the clouds and hit the inside of the cab, I rested my head on the window and sighed. Exhaustion overtook me. I was getting too old for this shit, but I knew it wouldn’t end any time soon. This was who I was. As my apartment building appeared in the distance, my phone vibrated in my pocket.
“It’s early,” I said with a groan after swiping across the screen and answering my brother’s call.
“You home?” Ky’s annoyingly alert voice echoed in my ear.
I looked at my watch as it ticked over to eight A.M.
“First, why must you call me so early? And second, it’s Saturday morning, of course I’m not home. I’m in a cab now, almost home.”
“You’ve been out on pussy patrol again? At the rate you’re going, your dick is going to fall off.”
It was far too early for this conversation. “Thanks for putting that visual in my head.”
“Tell him I’m going to find him a nice girl.”
Oh great, he had me on speaker.
I settled back into the seat and closed my eyes. Matchmaker Eden was on high alert. I loved her to death, and would do anything for her, but being set up on a blind date with a nice girl, as she so lovingly stated, was something I refused.
“You hear that? Now you’ve not only got Mom on your case, but you have Eden trying to set you up. You know what she’s like when she gets an idea in her head. You’re in trouble, little brother.”
“Christ,” I mumbled as the cab pulled up to my apartment building. “Control your woman.”
“Did he just call me woman?” Eden shrieked.
“I’m hanging up now.”
I shoved my phone into my pocket, handed the driver some cash, and stepped out of the cab. Upon entering into the foyer, I gave the building’s long-standing maintenance man an inaudible grunt hello and made my way to the elevator. A shower, a gallon of water, and my bed, would feel like winning the fucking lottery. As I made my way to the eighth floor, I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my unanswered text messages. Every time I checked my phone I hoped to see Ashlyn’s name. But it was never there. Where the fuck is she?
When I finally stepped into my apartment, I was overcome with relief. I threw my keys on the coffee table and collapsed onto the couch in a heap. My head dropped into my hands, and I felt my eyes slowly begin to close. Soon enough, a headache decided to take hold. Whether it was a hangover headache, a lack-of-sleep headache, or a you’re-too-old-to-be-doing-this-shit headache, I didn’t know.
“Yep, you have the I-just-fucked-and-regret-it look all over your face.”
My heart hammered in my chest, and I swear I jumped a mile off the couch as the sound of Ky’s taunting tone hit me unexpectedly. My head flew up from the confines of my hands, and I spun around on the couch to find Ky standing in the foyer wearing a shit-eating grin that screamed pure arrogance.
Running my hands through my messy hair, I narrowed my eyes at him before I spoke. “What the hell are you doing here?”
He threw his head back and laughed, then headed into the kitchen like he owned the place. I looked at the ceiling briefly in frustration, before hurling myself off the couch and joining him. He threw me one of the bottles of water he had taken from the fridge, and I quickly opened the cap, then downed half of it in one go. The relief was immediate.
“So, why are you here at eight fucking A.M.?”
“Eden is checking on Ash’s place before we head out for breakfast. I thought I’d come check on my little brother.”
My interest immediately piqued at the mention of Ashlyn.
“Have you heard from her this week?” I probed before lifting the bottle of water to my lips and sighing in relief as the coolness flooded my throat.
“She sent an email last week when she arrived in Sydney, but that’s it. Eden hasn’t heard from her either. I still can’t believe that asshole is back in her life.”
Ky and Lachlan were friends in college after Lachlan relocated from Sydney. They were tight. Ky thought it was a perfect scenario to have Lachlan and Ashlyn dating, because he could hang out with them both. It was six months after Ashlyn and I spent the night together that she met Lachlan. They were together for two years before he left without a word, and left Ky and I had to pick up the pieces of a shattered Ashlyn. Ky cut all ties with Lachlan and vowed to destroy him if he set foot back in the states.
To say we were shocked when he recently reappeared after two years would be an understatement. Ky was furious and I was pissed off, but Eden talked Ky down from beating the shit out of Lachlan, while I watched like a hawk. Why Ashlyn decided to give him another go, I had no fucking clue. Ky, however, had developed some kind of amnesia, brought on by being completely pussy whipped by Eden, because he seemed to give them his blessing. By the time he came to his senses, it was too late. Ashlyn had already reopened herself up to Lachlan, and that was where we found ourselves today; with her and Lachlan on the other side of the world, while she completely ignored all of our calls and texts.
Knowing that Ky and Eden hadn’t heard from her either didn’t sit well with me. My stomach churned at the thought. I was about ready to suggest we jump on a plane and bring her home, but what reasoning did I have? She was with the guy she chose to be with, and who was I?
I was the guy who considered Ashlyn Hart his forever girl, though now it would seem she was someone else’s forever girl too.
That was where the problem lay.
Fuck my life.
I AWOKE WITH THE same thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for the past week.
Men were assholes, and I needed to start batting for the other team.
Who needed men anyway? Who needed their bullshit excuses and inability to treat a woman right? Yes, I knew they had cocks, and yes, I thoroughly enjoyed cock, but I could visit Fantasy World and stock up on battery-operated friends, right?
As early morning sunshine beamed a new day through my apartment, I wondered if today would be my new beginning. In a sleepy daze, and with my hair in a topknot and my body swallowed by my favorite sweats and tank top, I stumbled from my bedroom into the stillness of the living room. Another day of solitude, which would involve getting lost in a romance novel and falling in love with a book boyfriend that couldn’t fuck me over, awaited me. Just like it had for the past seven days. I busied myself clearing the evidence of another night in hiding. I had no clue how I was able to stay incognito for a full week, seeing how I lived on the same floor as Josh Crawford and we were practically neighbors. The fact that he hadn’t seen Leon from my local Chinese restaurant delivering food, or Sally from the corner store supplying me with my body weight in Ben and Jerry’s, amazed me.