“They’re such immature shitheads that they’ll do anything to put someone down.” She sighed. “But you’re right. There’s nothing we can do to stop the news from spreading.” No frills to pretty up the truth, no silver lining.
“What am I going to do now?”
“I know what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to run away. You’re not going to hide. You’re not going to let any of these damn idiots think you have anything to be ashamed about or sorry for. Okay, Meen? You keep doing what you’re doing. You go to class, you make plans for the future. You take care of yourself and that baby growing inside of you. You keep living. And you hold your head up high because you are so much more special than even I could have ever imagined. And I picked you as a friend the first second I met you, so that’s saying something.”
I nodded and tried to smile, but my lips refused. “You’re right. I don’t hide. I live my life. Fuck them, Han. Fuck them all.” The words sounded harsh and more powerful than I felt, but they filled me with a burst of hope—hope that I really could rise above the judgment and criticism to come. I could be strong. I could be courageous.
A bright white paper plane flashed out of nowhere and soared toward me, the nose making a small jab against my forehead before the plane tumbled down my face and chest and landed on top of my untouched food. Heat prickled along my neck as I felt eyes turning back to me. I picked the plane up and unfolded the paper, careful to hold my trembling hands steady.
ALL, BEWARE:
THE SECOND COMING IS NOW UPON US.
I smiled as I tore the paper in half, and then in half again and again, until the plane was just a pile of shreds on the floor below me. And then I blew a kiss to no one in particular, nothing but the air, and picked up my sandwich to start eating.
“It’s hard to believe that you’re already twenty-two weeks in,” Dr. Keller said, flipping her folder open as she rolled her stool over to the exam table to face me. Her assistant Jamie hovered just behind, a quiet, obedient shadow. “How have you been feeling? Anything concerning you?”
“No, nothing I didn’t expect at this point. A little aching in my back, some soreness and swelling in my feet, but otherwise I’ve been feeling good. Much better than the last few months, actually.” I was surprised to hear myself saying that out loud, and even more surprised to realize that I actually meant it. It had already been more than a month since the Three Wise Men debacle, and so far, miraculously, nothing else too cataclysmic had come out of the big reveal. Jesse, fortunately, had got away with only a warning, given that he’d had an unblemished record and Kyle had already been an established troublemaker. People stared at me more maybe, whispered more, but I was becoming a master at tuning them out. I hadn’t seen visions of Iris again, either, and no matter how illogical I knew it was, a part of me hoped that she’d actually been there, even for a second. I wanted to believe that she was watching me, that she hadn’t abandoned me to deal with all this on my own.
“Good. And have you felt the baby move at all yet?”
“No,” I said, my hands automatically settling around my belly, a position they were in more and more often lately. I usually woke up that way, holding my stomach in my sleep. My arms felt too heavy and inconvenient, unnatural even, if I just left them dangling at my sides. “But that’s not abnormal, right?”
“No, not for a first-time pregnancy. It’s true that most women feel movement closer to twenty weeks, but it’s nothing to worry about right now, Mina. I expect it’ll happen soon. Can you lie back for me?”
She was quiet as she and Jamie went through the motions, taking my blood pressure, feeling my abdomen, checking my hands and feet for any swelling. When it was time to use the Doppler to listen to my baby’s heartbeat, I closed my eyes and let the sound flow through me. The perfectly rhythmic thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump was just as mind-blowing to me as it had been the first time I’d heard it, maybe even more so now. The more I processed and accepted what was happening to me, the more amazing it became. I wanted to carry the sound with me all day, a constant reminder that there was a real miniature person with a beating heart growing inside of me. Before now I had never thought about the fact that pregnant women held two working hearts—and I was pretty sure that even after the second heart was no longer physically inside my body, emotionally I would have double the hearts, double the love within me for the rest of my life.
“Well, Mina, everything is looking good, perfectly normal for this stage. I’ve gone over what the hospital sent me from your midpregnancy ultrasound, and your baby seems to be developing perfectly on cue. Speaking of the ultrasound, I take it you’re still planning on waiting until delivery to learn the baby’s sex?”
“Yes. Definitely waiting.” Everything else about this pregnancy was a mystery, so it only seemed fitting to keep this a secret, too. “You know, I never peeked at my Christmas presents early either. And I still refuse to help Gracie now when she begs me for hints. Surprises make life so much more interesting.” I smiled—that was certainly an understatement.
“Of course,” Dr. Keller said, her bright pink lips attempting a smile in return, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
She looked back down at her papers, jotting down a few notes, and I pulled myself up onto the edge of the exam table. I looked down and started to pull my gown closed in the front, but I stopped when I realized just how obvious my bump had become. How had my body changed so quickly? I’d already gained more than twelve pounds according to Dr. Keller’s scale. What would I look like next week? Next month?
“Jamie,” Dr. Keller said, nodding toward her assistant, “you’re free to go prep the next patient. I’ll take it from here.” She waited for the door to click behind Jamie before she turned to face me.
“I’ve been wanting to check in with you about the recommendation I gave to talk to a professional counselor about some of what you’re going through. I received the message that a coordinator has tried to reach you several times now, but they’ve yet to hear anything from you. Did you get the voice mails, or is it possible they were using the wrong number?”
“I did get the messages, yes,” I said, pulling my gown tighter around my chest and belly. “And while I really do appreciate the suggestion, I think I’m going to pass for now. I have the support I need and, to be perfectly honest, I’m really not in the mood to have one more person think I’m crazy. If you have any other questions you’d like me to answer for you, I’m happy to, but I’m not telling my story to some counselor who’s going to send me off to the psych ward.”
“That’s not what a counselor would do. They would just help you get to the bottom of some of what you’re feeling right now. No one thinks you’re crazy.”
“You mean by get to the bottom of it, they’d help me uncover what awful truth I’m actually hiding from myself, right? Like this is all some delusion I’ve created to cover up who really made me pregnant?” I could feel my cheeks burning, and I regretted the decision not to bring my mom into the room with me. She was out in the waiting room—she’d insisted on driving me—but I’d told her I wanted to do this part on my own. That I had to start feeling more independent and comfortable handling these sorts of things by myself. But I wanted her in here now, holding my hand while she made all of Dr. Keller’s questions disappear.