Something inside, something deep down and dangerously fragile, collapsed, and I started sobbing. I didn’t care how desperate I looked. I didn’t care that my parents were watching from just a few feet away, jaws dropped, totally unsure of how to respond to a scene that no parent should ever have to witness. I grabbed at Nate’s arms, his T-shirt, his jeans, clawing at some small piece of him to hold on to, some small piece to keep for myself—until I looked up, straight into his eyes, and saw them burning with a hatred I’d never have been able to imagine him feeling about anything or anyone in the world. I had to step back, my whole body scorched from his glare. My fingertips were numb where they’d last grazed his skin, and the feeling was spreading up through my arms and across my chest, into my heart.
“Good-bye, Mr. Dietrich, Mrs. Dietrich. I’m sorry I can’t help you. And I’m sorry it had to end like this.” He started for the front door and I stumbled after him, my mind still racing to think of something I could do, something I could say to make this any less final.
“Nate,” I said, grabbing on to his shoulder. He flinched and shook me off, but I realized that I still needed to ask him one favor—one incredibly important favor—before he left me.
“Nate, wait,” I said, gasping. “I just have one thing to ask. And then I’ll let you go, I promise. I won’t bother you. I’ll leave you alone.” He stopped moving, but he didn’t turn around to face me.
“What, Mina? What could you possibly have to ask me?”
“Please don’t tell anyone about this. Please let me figure out how I’m going to explain this to everyone at school.”
“You didn’t have to ask. I’m not going to run around telling everyone that you’re pregnant with some other guy’s baby. It doesn’t exactly make me look good either, does it?”
I nodded in gratitude, relieved, before remembering that he still had his back to me. “Thank you, Nate. I really appreciate that.”
“Whatever, Mina. It’s your business. But you won’t be able to hide this for long. It’s going to be obvious to everyone soon enough that you’re pregnant, so good luck figuring that story out. Good luck with your baby and good luck with life.” He pushed open the screen door and stomped across the porch, head down, eyes fixed on the ground.
I stood there for a moment, stuck in the doorway, unable to pull my eyes away from him until he disappeared entirely.
“Mina?” a small, hushed voice called out from somewhere outside, just beyond the door. The sound was so familiar, but I couldn’t label it, not instantly, because it had no place in that moment. My hand rose to my lips in panic, and I bit down on my fingertips.
“Gracie?” No, please, no. Don’t be there. I imagined that voice. Please let me have imagined that voice.
“Mina . . .” she said again, stepping out into the soft twilight glow of the porch. “Why did Nate just say that you’re having a baby? Is it true? Are you really pregnant?” Her big crystal blue eyes were wide and watery, staring up at me, waiting for my answer.
My aunt Vera shifted from the shadows just beyond my vision and stood next to Gracie, putting her hands on Gracie’s shoulders to keep her steadied.
“Mina, oh God, I’m so sorry . . . I didn’t mean to interrupt. I should have called before I dropped her off. I didn’t know—I thought you had a stomach bug, and I figured you knew I’d be bringing her home sometime this evening . . .”
“Mina?” Gracie asked again, her little voice faltering. I could see her petal pink lips trembling, but she was fighting her tears, holding out for whatever I was about to say.
“Gracie?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of my mom’s voice. I turned around to see her and my dad standing just a few feet behind me, their faces looking as horrified as I felt.
“Somebody tell me what’s happening,” Gracie demanded, sounding older and more grown-up than I’d ever heard her before.
I didn’t want her to have to be older and more grown-up. Not because of me.
“Gracie . . .” my dad started, pushing me aside to be closer to her. “We’re not talking about this right now, sweetie. I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’re ready for this conversation.”
“Stop, Dad. Just stop,” I said, stooping down so that I was at Gracie’s height. “There’s no point in keeping it a secret. Gracie, it’s true. I am pregnant. And it’s not Nate’s baby, it’s not anyone’s baby but mine.”
“Mina, don’t tell her this nonsense!” my dad yelled. “You’re going to confuse her!”
I put my hands on Gracie’s shoulders and pulled her toward me. “This sounds crazy, but I think that this baby might be some kind of miracle, Gracie.”
It was the first time I’d said the word out loud, the first time I tried it against my lips. “A miracle,” I said again, letting the word sink in. “I don’t know why it happened to me, but it has, and I just want you to trust me and have faith in me. Even if that takes a little time for you to come to, I’ll be here. Okay?”
She stared at me, completely silent and unreadable. Everyone else on the porch was frozen in place, waiting for her to react.
“Okay,” she said at last, her strawberry-blonde pigtails bobbing as she nodded at me, a very solemn look spreading over her rosy freckled face.
“Okay?” I asked, still waiting to take my next breath.
She stepped in closer to me, so close that the tips of our noses were practically touching. So close that I could see one small tear slowly rolling down her cheek.
“You’re my big sister, Mina, and for you, I’ll believe in miracles.”
the second trimester
“I think they all know, Han, I really do,” I said under my breath after a few furtive glances behind me—just to be positive that no one was lurking around, eavesdropping. “I swear, I can just feel people staring at me. It’s like little lasers pricking the back of my neck. They won’t make eye contact when I pass them in the hall, and then they whisper as soon as I’ve walked by—as soon as they think that I can’t hear them anymore.” I opened my mouth to take a bite of my peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force myself to put food in my stomach. I had no appetite, not when I was sitting in the middle of a crowded cafeteria overflowing with all the people whom I was most afraid of at the moment.
Hannah noticed my resistance and gave me a pointed look, a look that she’d been perfecting over the last few weeks: This isn’t just about you. You have to think about the baby.
“You’re so controlling,” I muttered, shoving the sandwich in my mouth and flashing a sarcastic grin as I chewed.
“Good girl. Anyway, I think it’s all in your head, Meen.” She lowered her voice and leaned in closer to me. “Besides, how would anyone else know? Even I can’t see the bump you’re talking about, though it would be hard to see much of anything under all the baggy mom shirts you’ve been wearing. So that leaves me, your family, Dr. Keller, Nate, and Izzy. Your family is automatically ruled out because they’re your family, obviously. Dr. Keller would be breaking all sorts of doctor confidentiality rules if she told anyone, Nate would look too pathetic and bitter, and Izzy . . . Izzy would never do that. I don’t care how upset she may be right now. She wouldn’t ever be that disloyal to you.”