*
The sun slanted low in the sky as Emory set out for a walk along the shoreline to clear her head. She’d come home earlier than usual from the office, as the ever doubling pile of work on her desk couldn’t seem to hold her attention. There was too much on her mind. Once home, she’d swapped her business suit for a pair of cutoffs and a T-shirt. As she put on her shoes, Walter watched from a few feet away and panted hopefully as if his dream might actually come to fruition. “Come on, buddy,” she said, inspiring vertical leaping and all sorts of celebratory whining.
It was a clear September evening on the beach, and Emory was relieved to find she had it mostly to herself. The setting sun caught the water’s surface, and seagulls soared on the breeze overhead. Walter had tons of energy to burn and panted happily as they walked, but Emory couldn’t identify. She’d been ineffective at work all week and had carefully avoided contact with Sarah, no matter how bad she felt about that.
She’d needed the time. Her life over the past few months had been nearly unrecognizable. She’d let herself get carried away into a place she had no business inhabiting. It had been selfish of her. Sarah deserved someone who was capable of giving everything of herself and then some, and Emory just wasn’t equipped. Her mother’s words had reminded her of that just the other night.
“I was studying a photo of my father this afternoon and remarked how similar my brother looks to him now. Genetics is the most intriguing thing. My own daughters are the perfect example. Vanessa is an outgoing girl, the type who surrounds herself with the kind of people who can take her places. She takes joy in life, sometimes at the expense of others. In essence, she’s her father’s daughter to a tee.
Emory, on the other hand, is like me. She keeps people at a distance and always has. While incredibly talented and articulate, she’s a hard person to know and always has been. She seems to have discovered what I never did and has chosen a life on her own, thereby leaving less damage in her wake. Sometimes, it’s like looking in a mirror.”
It had been hard to read.
And while her mother was certainly not the foremost authority on her life, she had to hand it to her. Her points were valid. Emory came from a long line of emotionally stunted women. Her mother was distant and unavailable. Her sister was an irresponsible parent who had raised a pair of morally bankrupt elitists. And while she had opened herself up more to Sarah and Grace than anyone else in her life, what would happen in the long term? What hope did she really have? Who was she destined to become? She’d crashed and burned after two years with Lucy. She couldn’t take Sarah down that road.
She wouldn’t.
She started for home and didn’t argue when Walter ran on ahead. When she arrived, she found him flopped gleefully on the deck in front of Sarah, his fur sandy and wet from the run. Sarah stroked his blatantly exposed stomach with affectionate vigor, before lifting her eyes to Emory. “I thought I might find you out here. Car was in the driveway, but no answer.” She was smiling and Emory tried to smile back.
She lifted a shoulder and let it drop. “You found me.”
Sarah studied her as she continued to pet Walter. “You’ve pulled quite a disappearing act lately. New hobby?” Sarah was attempting to be lighthearted, but Emory could sense her unease.
She sat on the steps next to her. “I’ve been busy. It’s been crazy at the office.”
“And yet…” Sarah checked her watch. “It’s five twenty and you’re already home and changed.” There was no hint of accusation in her voice, just a quiet observation. They stared out at the tide as the palpable silence grew and grew. Finally, “What’s up, Em? Don’t you think it’s time you told me? Communicated in some way?”
She nodded, knowing it was. “I can’t do this anymore, Sarah. I knew going in that it would be too difficult to combine our lives and it is.” It was a lie. Or at the very least, an oversimplification of the facts.
Sarah didn’t say anything. And then finally, “So that’s it? Just like that, huh?” She nodded, seeming to let the words settle.
Emory couldn’t look at her. If she did, she would lose her resolve. “My lifestyle is fast-paced, unpredictable, and that’s what I need it to be. And that doesn’t work—”
“With an eight-year-old?”
She hated the way it sounded and swallowed hard. “Yeah. I can’t be a parent, Sarah. I’m not the kind of person who does well tied down.”
Sarah shook her head. “Emory, this isn’t you.”
“But it is. That’s what I’m finally trying to explain. I warned you from the beginning this wouldn’t work between us. We burned hard and bright these past couple of months, but that can only last so long.” She forgot herself then, and allowed her eyes to settle on Sarah’s. A mistake. The clarity of emotion looking back at her was almost enough to make her take it all back. Almost. Her voice, full of apology, began to tremble as she continued because it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. “I care about you, Sarah. I just can’t see you anymore. Please explain to Grace.”
“Don’t do this.”
Emory stood and took a few steps off the deck, hoping the distance would help. “Please try to understand. Our lives don’t fit together the way they should.” Because if she told her the truth, if she had told Sarah she loved her but would be a horrible mother, Sarah would disagree. Want her to try.
“Em, look at me.” She did, but it was hard because Sarah’s eyes were brimming. “Finding you has been like a dream come true for me in more ways than one. Before I met you, I had no idea I was capable of feeling what you make me feel. So I guess that makes you my impossible fantasy, Emory. But I need you to want us too.”
“I just can’t,” Emory whispered.
“Then you’ve broken my heart.” With that, she turned to go, and in a moment of panic for what she was giving up, Emory felt herself waver.
“Sarah, wait.” But she didn’t. She kept walking. “Wait. Where are you going?”
She turned back briefly. “I’m walking away. You should recognize what that looks like.” Those hazel eyes that had once smiled so magically were now guarded, closed to her, and the understanding slashed through her like a razor blade.
Emory stood alone, staring blankly at her cold, sterile house with new eyes. Finally, she slid down onto the steps where she sat alone and numb for several hours.
It wasn’t until the next morning that she found the two neatly wrapped green and white striped birthday presents that were left for her on her front porch.
Chapter Fifteen
“All right, that’s it. It’s been six weeks and it’s time for you to talk.” Carmen broke the silence as they sat on the bench at the small playground across from Sabro’s. “You asked for time to process, and I’ve given you that and then some. But enough is enough. Sarah, you’ve been a walking zombie for well over a month now. Did she cheat on you? Is she a drug addict? Did she rob a convenience store? What?” She studied Sarah’s face like a super sleuth of all things relationship. “She did cheat on you, didn’t she? If I ever run into her, I swear I’ll break—”
“She didn’t cheat on me, Carmen.” Sarah placed a calming hand on her knee. She didn’t want to talk about Emory because when she did, it was a hard place to come back from. “Grace, not so high,” she called. Grace was clearly enjoying herself on the swings with Carmen’s boys. “She’s such a little daredevil lately. It’s like she’s testing me.”
Carmen looked at her hard. “Don’t you dare try to divert my attention. I’m not five. It took me forever to even get you out here and in the realm of semi-social, so start talking.”
It was true. Sarah had pretty much gone off the grid, needed to. Driving home from Emory’s the day of the breakup without turning back was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. She’d tried a million times to rationalize the series of events. Going in, she knew something was wrong. And she’d known all along that Emory didn’t trust herself in the relationship, but she’d hoped over time she’d find the same confidence Sarah had begun to find.