Yet, here in her lap sat evidence to the contrary and it was hard to take in. She had no idea that on that day, underneath that crisp and polite pretense of conversation, there existed a depth of feeling, actual emotion even, and it had been held back from her. Stolen.
She did the only thing she could think to do. She reread the earmarked passage again and again and again as if it were a drug she couldn’t get enough of.
On a mission now, she flipped to the very first page of the journal and settled in. Hours passed as she tore through the pages and read her mother’s innermost thoughts, most of which brought about startling revelations for Emory. It turned out that Catherine thought of her twice-a-week tennis match at the club as a necessary evil, while what she really longed to do with her afternoon was curl up with a good book, preferably a classic. She’d read Pride and Prejudice seven times. Emory never knew that and shook her head in wonder at the information. Emory loved that book, and if only she’d known, they could have discussed it and a myriad of other Jane Austen works. Other interesting pieces of information included the almost schoolgirl crush Catherine seemed to have developed on Peter Fullbright, their attorney, and the fact that she’d regretted never having a dog as a pet. But most notably, the fact that she thought Emory had amazing talent as an artist.
June 14, 1994
It’s hot today in California, and before the afternoon is over, we’re expected to break record temperatures. Vanessa and I have taken refuge indoors and spent the afternoon selecting colors for the new furniture in the dining room, but Emory’s been with her sketchbook in the backyard since ten this morning. I’ve stolen glances at her work as I’ve passed by the window, and each new glimpse impresses me further. Her steady progress on the work was remarkable.
The sketch is a very vivid representation of the birdhouse nestled on the back fence, an item I’ve paid very little attention to until now. The detail she’s created is striking, and I marvel at her unique talent. I have no idea where she gets her gift, as neither Grayson nor I have any sort of artistic ability whatsoever. At any rate, it’s astounding what Emory’s able to produce on a blank canvas. She’s presented me with several of her works over the past year and I’m still figuring out the perfect place to showcase them. No location I’ve come up with seems to do them justice.
Emory stopped. It was hard to read when she could no longer see the page in front of her. Unexpected tears assaulted her eyes, and large wet drops fell from her cheeks onto the page. She sat there in a helpless sea of emotion that overtook her with a force she couldn’t compete with. She hadn’t cried once since learning of her mother’s death, not at the funeral or even in the quiet solace of her own home. It wasn’t that she wasn’t sad; she knew inherently that she must have been, but she simply hadn’t felt anything at all. But now, as the sun was beginning to set on a Saturday evening in June, Emory cried. She cried for the loss of a parent and all that never was and all that never would be.
She wrapped her arms around herself and held on as one emotional wave after another rolled through her. She didn’t hear the back door open, but it must have because as she raised her tear-filled eyes they found Sarah’s, who stood motionless on the deck, her lips parted in surprise. A moment later, something in Sarah’s eyes softened and the way she looked at her now, with such tenderness and understanding, caused Emory to crumble into herself once again.
Sarah walked slowly to the couch and took the spot next to Emory, letting her hand settle on her back, softly soothing her with gentle circles. It had surprised her to see Emory’s Jaguar still in the driveway when she returned to the house, but it was an even bigger shock to find her in shambles on the back porch. She quickly noted the journals next to Emory and understood.
Emory’s shoulders shook as the sobs wracked her and Sarah instinctually put her arms around her. As she did, Emory fell into her, settling her head onto Sarah’s lap. Sarah didn’t mind and held her as she cried quietly. Neither of them said anything, as there was no need. Emory was a person in pain and Sarah would be there for her.
When Emory’s sobs quieted, Sarah began to slowly stroke her hair, a gesture that always soothed Grace when she was sad. Minutes passed and though Sarah could not see her face, she could tell Emory was beginning to regain control, her breathing not so ragged. As she watched the sun on its daily descent, just as the oranges changed to pink, Emory stirred, slowly pushing herself into a sitting position. She met Sarah’s eyes, but neither spoke for a moment.
“I’m sorry about this,” Emory finally managed. “This is ridiculously embarrassing.” She gestured in the direction of the journals. “I was reading and it was all just too—” She had to stop then as her eyes once again welled up with tears.
“It’s all right. I understand.” Sarah covered Emory’s hand with her own.
With tears still gathering in her eyes, Emory stood, crossed to the corner of the deck, and gazed across the yard at the sunset. “She was proud of me,” she said, half to Sarah and half to herself. “And I went my whole life without knowing.”
“Of course she was. Why wouldn’t she be?”
Emory laughed sardonically. “I don’t even know where to begin. Because I got a B instead of an A. Because I missed being valedictorian by two-tenths of a point. Because I’m a lesbian. Because I don’t support the right charities, or because as a kid, I spent time drawing rather than playing tennis. I could go on and on.” She raised her arm and let it drop in punctuation.
“And how do you feel after reading her words?”
“I feel cheated. She had all of these feelings, concerns, opinions, and didn’t share any of them with us. She kept herself tucked away. What kind of mother does that? Doesn’t mother their children?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure she had her reasons.” But in all honesty, Sarah couldn’t relate. Not a day went by without her telling Grace how much she loved her, how valuable she was.
“Maybe it’s just who we are, the Owen family. Not exactly a warm and fuzzy bunch. I shouldn’t let this get to me. I hate that I care so much.” Emory wiped her eyes and turned back to face Sarah apologetically. “I’m usually a much stronger person than this, I promise.”
“Trust me, I get that. But the thing is, you don’t have to be strong right now, Emory. You’re upset, and you’re grieving. Anyone who has ever lost someone knows that grief happens in cycles. Allow yourself the time you need to deal with this.”
Emory took one last look at the disappearing sun and ran her hands through her hair. “I’m going to have a beer. I think I’ve earned it,” she half laughed. “Can I bring you one?”
Sarah considered the offer and decided the day’s events warranted accepting the invitation. “Sure. A beer would be great.”
Emory was gone longer than was necessary, and when she returned Sarah could tell that she’d straightened herself up a bit and washed her face. Gone was the little bit of makeup Emory usually wore, her face now fresh, clean, and sporting just a slight tan. She was maybe even more attractive this way, Sarah thought as Emory handed her a bottle. She probably had no trouble in the man department, or woman department, she mentally corrected herself, recalling the information she’d just learned.
Emory sat. “So I should apologize. I snapped at you earlier about the journals, and that was wrong of me. Somehow, you knew I needed to see what was in them, and as hard as it is to admit, you were right. I’m sorry for speaking to you the way I did.”
Sarah lowered the Dos Equis bottle from her lips. “Don’t give it another thought.” She smiled for a moment before continuing. “I just told myself that was your ‘I call all the shots’ executive voice.”