“Jessa.” Her brisk tone reveals that this isn’t going to be a pleasant conversation. I glance at my watch and then back to her, hoping she gets the point that I have somewhere to be.

“What’s up, Emily?” I ask in my friendliest tone.

“I thought you were with Rob,” she says bitterly.

“I am,” I inform her with a nod.

“Then how come I’m always finding you with Grant?” she asks and her friend shifts her stance, glaring at me as well. Why do I feel like this is high school and I just stole the head cheerleader’s boyfriend?

“Um…we’re friends.” I’m not lying, just not stating the whole truth.

“Yeah, right. You don’t think he would actually be interested in you, do you?” she sneers and I’m taken aback. The hurt and pain caused by Jason tears through me before I realize, I could give a shit about this chick or what she thinks of me.

“Actually, Barbie, he is interested in me. Very interested, actually. See that little exchange between us in the Student Center was him asking me to break it off with my boyfriend.” I raise my eyebrows up to her, and her friend tries to conceal the giggle escaping her mouth.

Emily looks at her friend in annoyance, and the girl quiets instantly. Turning her attention back to me. “He just wants you because you’re an easy fuck,” she spouts and walks away with her heels clicking on the cement sidewalk, while her friend frantically tries to catch up.

I continue walking to the bus stop and sit on the bench in the alcove, which shields me from the wind. Fuck Emily. Who the hell does she think she is? As much as I try to not care what she says, it rings too close to home, taking me back to my time at Boulder when girls like that thought the same thing. The fact that I was actually friends with girls similar to Emily makes me shudder with regret. Girls like that don’t have true friends, they have followers. People who kiss their ass and think that hanging out with them makes them something. I should know. I had my own group of followers at one time, but I learned the hard way that as soon as you drop down from that tower, they desert you. As though that’s not already enough, they are also quick to alienate you from others.

That’s why when I first saw Sadie, I almost ran down to my RA to ask for a room switch. But then I saw her eyes, and I knew she was as damaged as me. We were able to become best friends in such a short time because it turns out that two fucked-up people can bond over the smallest things.

I’m pretty sure Sadie would never tell Brady my secret, and I sincerely hope not, because I’d never want Grant to find out. Shit…why is he still in my thoughts? Jessa, remember your boyfriend, I try to remind myself. The one who knows my past and doesn’t care what Jason did or the repercussions that could still come from it.

By the time I get to Zen’s, Rob is almost finished with his tattoo. He’s getting some guitar on his forearm and it looks pretty cool. Trey is propped up on the counter talking to Kate, the owner’s daughter. Since at least one of us is here a couple times a month, it’s like our second home.

“What’s up, Jessdoll?” Trey asks, jumping off to come greet me. “I heard a little rumor about you,” he whispers in my ear and I pull back and look at him, confused.

“What?” I raise my eyebrows.

“You’ve been holding out on him,” he smirks.

“He told you that?” I ask, shocked and annoyed that Rob’s sharing information regarding our sex life.

“It’s Rob. Does he ever stop talking?” Trey makes a good point and I nod my head in agreement. “Jessa?” he says my name softly, but I know what he’s asking from the tone.

“There isn’t anyone else, Trey,” I lie, although I’m not exactly with Grant. He just consumes my every thought lately.

“I wouldn’t blame you if there was,” he tells me and kisses me on the cheek.

“Can you put your lips on here?” Kate places a black ink pad in front of my face and Trey buckles over in a fit of laughter.

I glance questioningly down at the ink pad and then up at Kate, who is attempting to conceal her amusement. “Why?” I hesitantly ask her.

“You’re going to kiss Rob’s arm and then he’s going to have it tattooed next to the guitar,” she reveals, I stand there, staring at her in disbelief.

“Um…no,” I reply and Trey laughs harder and louder. I venture to where Rob sits while they finish the final touches of color.

“Did you do it already?” Rob asks and I scrunch my eyebrows at him.

“Are my lips black?” I sarcastically answer, and he gives me a look that could kill. He never likes it when I come back at him in public.

“Go and do it,” he demands and I place my hand on his shoulder.

“Do you think that’s a good idea? Are you sure you want my lips on you forever?” I ask as nicely as possible, since this whole scenario is absurd. Even Trey thinks so, and that boy tattoos anything and everything on himself.

“Hey, if we don’t last, I’ll just cover it up,” he states and I suddenly feel replaceable. Will it be that easy for him to erase me from his life? I wonder if he’s doing this to somehow get us back to where we were a couple months ago.

“If you want it, I’ll do it. But just for the record, I think it’s a really stupid idea,” I tell him and grab the ink pad from Kate.

“Seriously? You’re doing it?” Trey asks in disbelief.

“Hey, if he wants my lips on him, what can I do? He’s the idiot who’ll regret it, not me,” I say, placing my lips to the ink. The spongy pad forms around my lips and I move over to Rob’s arm, kissing where the artist directs.

“Thanks, babe, it’s gonna look killer,” Rob calls out to me as I make my way to the bathroom.

Once I get into the small bathroom in the back of the shop, I stare at myself in the mirror, rubbing the black ink off my lips. The transformation I’ve made still astonishes me some days. I’m more comfortable in my skin now than I ever was before, though maybe I went a little far with the hair. It seems so short and blonde, but I was desperate to lose my former appearance.

After I finish in the bathroom, I find Rob at the counter talking with Kate. She tenses and quickly backs up when she sees me coming, causing Rob to look over his shoulder at me. The white bandage on his arm makes me remember when I went to get my first tattoo. My dad took me to his favorite place and I picked the one on the back of my neck. The cringe on my dad’s face was unmistakable; he didn’t like the thought of it being somewhere so visible. But I wanted it to be seen. To let everyone know that I’d been through hell but survived. And for the most part, my demons have disappeared. With the introduction of Grant in my life, however, they’re starting to resurface. I’m confused why with him and not with Rob.

Chapter 4

Grant

The dread of today already fills my body when my alarm goes off. Of all the days of the year, this is the one I hate the most. I wish I could re-write the calendar and remove it completely. What’s so great about January 25th anyway? It lands in the dead of winter, with nothing but bare bushes and trees that have barely survived the harsh weather.

Going into the bathroom, I already hear the voices of the guys downstairs getting ready for the day. The Super Bowl is tomorrow and of course, the frat house plans on throwing a huge party. Another day I hate because years ago, the Super Bowl landed on January 25th, a day I’ll remember forever.

I throw my shirt on the counter and step out of my pajama pants. Turning on the shower, in order to give the warm water time to travel through the old pipes, I go to the sink and grab my toothbrush. I notice my changed self in the mirror. With all the working out at Barbells, I can tell my chest is swollen and bigger than before. I should thank Jessa for me getting in better shape.