It’s not that I couldn’t handle it. I could. I’d just needed some time.

And I loved him even more for totally getting this about me.

I nodded once. “Go ahead. Tell me everything.”

I looked at Carrie, her blue eyes on me and so breathtakingly beautiful, and I clammed up. I had so much I wanted to tell her, but I wasn’t allowed to. I could only give her a fraction of the details, and then in a few days, I wouldn’t be able to tell her anything. I knew she wouldn’t like that any more than I did.

Our relationship had been built on secrets and lies, and now I had to go right back to not telling her stuff. To keeping secrets. I didn’t like it, but my eye was on the end goal. And it would be worth it once we got there. If we got there.

I closed my hands around the back of her waist, holding on tight in case she tried to bolt. I needed to hold her. “I saw an old friend of yours today. Captain Richards. Does the name ring a bell?”

“Yeah, he went to the same college as my dad. They’ve been close ever since. I think he’s coming for our Christmas dinner we always do.” She shook her head, watching me closely. “What did he want with you?”

“He had an offer to make.” I hesitated. “There’s something I have to tell you first, and please try to understand this isn’t up to me.”

She stilled. “What?”

I rubbed her back in big, wide circles. “I can’t tell you all the details of what I got asked to do. It’s got a high-security clearance—one I just obtained today—and I am legally not allowed to tell you everything I know.”

She blinked at me. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not allowed to tell.”

She nibbled on her lower lip. “Do you not trust me to keep a secret? I mean, I know I’m not the best liar in the world, but I could do it.”

I cupped her cheeks. “Ginger, it’s not that. I fucking trust you with my life. But it’s my job, and I can’t tell you. It has nothing to do with trust, okay?”

“Fine. Yeah.” She nodded jerkily. It wasn’t fine with her. I could see it. “I get it, but what can you tell me?”

“Captain Richards asked me to take on a special case. It will involve me leaving in two days.”

“What? Why? No.” She gasped. “Where are you going?”

“Away.” I flinched. “Out of the country.”

Her eyes flashed. “Where?”

“I can’t say,” I said, closing my eyes. “That’s part of the deal, Ginger.”

She pushed off my lap and paced. “Seriously? I can’t even know where or why? That’s ridiculous.”

“I can kind of tell you why.” I stood up and grabbed her, stopping her in her tracks. “I’ll be doing something similar to what I’m doing here. Protecting someone.”

She looked up at me, her red hair falling behind her shoulders. “A girl?”

“Yeah.” I let go of her and tugged on my hair. “I can’t say who.”

“Shocker,” she said dryly as she covered her face. “I’m sorry, that was bitchy. But I don’t get why you can’t tell me.”

I pulled her hands down from her face, squeezing them slightly. “Wasn’t there ever anything your father was working on that he couldn’t tell you about? A bill or a law?”

“Well, yeah.” She blinked at me. “Lots.”

“Did he tell your mom?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“See? It’s like that.”

She sat down on the couch, but she didn’t make a sound. She just sat there, her eyes staring straight ahead. I sat beside her and held her hand, letting her process it all, and tried to keep quiet for her. I needed her to be okay with this.

After what felt like fucking hours, she looked at me again. She looked so resolute and strong. “Tell me everything you can tell me,” she said, her voice surprisingly steady.

“He knows about us.” I rubbed her lower back gently. “He confronted me, and tried to bribe me to walk away from you. When that—”

She held up a hand. “He did what?”

“He offered me a prestigious promotion. Everything I wanted, if only I walked away from you,” I explained, keeping my voice level.

“What did you say?” she asked, her eyes narrow.

“No, of course.” My hand tightened on hers. “What do you think I said?”

“I don’t even know,” she said, her voice soft. “How did he find out about us?”

“You know how you thought someone was following us?”

“Let me guess. It was his guy?”

“Yep.” I smiled at her and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Your father asked him to send a guy to watch me. To make sure I was doing my job and not lounging about my apartment all day. He started watching when we were in our fight.” I cleared my throat and looked away. I didn’t like to think about that time of my life. “So at first, he didn’t see anything but me following you. But then…”

“We made up.”

I nodded. “And he saw a hell of a lot, and reported back to Captain Richards.”

“Oh God.” She paled. “Did he tell Dad?”

I shook my head and grabbed my beer. “Nope. Because he has a plan for me, and it involves me leaving on Tuesday morning.”

“Which is the part you can’t tell me.”

I took a long sip. “Right. Maybe afterward, but not now.”

“How long will you be gone? Will he tell Dad after? What does he want from you? When will—?”

I chuckled and pressed a finger to her mouth. “I don’t know. And no, he’s letting us handle the when and how of telling your dad, but after this it’ll be easier.”

“Why?” she asked through my fingers.

I got all excited thinking about what I was going to get for just a few weeks of work. “He’s giving me the opportunity to change my MOS and become an officer, no military hoopla or shit to deal with. Just a quick transfer. I can go to college, fully paid for by Uncle Sam, and enter any field I want after this mission is complete. I can do anything. Be anything.”

She bit down on her lip, her blue eyes examining my face. “Are you sure this isn’t a way to split us up?”

“I’m sure.” I leaned back against the couch. “After this, your father will have no reason to object because I’m going to be a commissioned officer.”

She forced a smile. “That’s great, and I’m happy for you. I really am, but what will this mean to us?”

“I can go to college, here even. We can be together, and even better? He promised to make sure my father gets his bonus, no matter what.”

Her fingers tightened on mine. “So no more lying?”

“I still want you to wait until I’m back to tell your father.” I drank another sip of my beer, and she picked up her wine cooler with a shaking hand. “I don’t want you to do it alone. Once I’m home, we can come clean. Tell him we’re in love. No more lies.”

Her eyes lit up for the first time since I’d told her my news. She licked her lips, not dropping my gaze. “How long will you be gone?”

“It’s looking like I’ll be home after Christmas. It’s in the early stages, but I think it’ll be January at the latest.”

“That’s…” She swallowed hard. “More than a month away.”

“Yeah, but it’ll pass fast, I’m sure.” I grabbed her hands, holding them to my lips and kissing them. “And when it’s over, we’ll be free. We can be together, no guilt or deception. Just us, going to college together like normal people.”

She smiled at me, but the tears in her eyes kind of ruined it. “That’s great, Finn.”

“You don’t look happy.” I kissed her hand again. “This is good. I know it sucks I won’t be home for Christmas, but it’s worth it. I’m doing this for us, Ginger.”

“I know.” She pulled free and placed her hands on both my cheeks. “And I love you so freaking much for it. For making this happen. I’m just scared. I can’t…I can’t lose you, Finn. I just can’t.”

Her voice broke off, and she pressed her lips together, tears streaming down her cheeks. My heart clenched in my chest. I’d been expecting anger about having to keep my whereabouts a secret. Maybe a fight. I hadn’t been expecting tears.