Jim and Drew were going to keep Carter company since I would have their women all evening. I had to put my foot down though with Drew. I told him I would buy a tennis racket and go John McEnroe on his ass if my son came home with any new, colorful words.

Liz, Jenny and I were sitting on the floor of my living room surrounded by thousands of folded and unfolded brochures and four empty bottles of wine.

Wait, make that five. I emptied the fifth bottle into Liz’s glass after she jumped up and ran to the bathroom holding her hands between her legs like a toddler because she had to pee so badly.

I got up and walked to the kitchen to grab another bottle of wine. As I passed by the bathroom, I found the door wide open.

"Liz, are you peeing with the door open?"

She looked up at me with crazy, drunk eyes while she swayed back and forth on the toilet and peed.

"Yes. Does it bother you?"

"Only if you fall off the toilet and piss on my floor," I told her as I walked away.

"Fair enough, hairy muff!" she yelled to me.

After I popped the cork on another bottle of wine and refilled everyone's glasses, Liz came back into the living room, shoved the brochures out of the way and lay down on her belly with her chin in her hands.

"Okay, skank whores. Time for a little Truth or Dare," she slurred. "Jenny, what nickname have you given your vagina?"

Jenny blushed and bit her lip, looking down in her lap. After several long minutes of Liz and I goading her, she finally mumbled something that sounded like, "Water."

"Repeat that, please. I don't have dog hearing," I told her.

"You do have a vagina that smells like a dog though," Liz laughed.

"Fuck you, anal warts."

"I call my vagina, Waterford," Jenny said, interrupting the banter between Liz and me.

We turned to her with equal looks of confusion on our faces.

"Explain," Liz said as she took a sip of wine.

Jenny shrugged. "You know, Waterford is like, good dishes and stuff. So, I only let the best eat off of my Waterford."

Liz snorted. "Why don't you just call it China then?"

Jenny thought about this for a minute.

"But, I've never been to China," she replied with a puzzled look on her face.

“Okay, next!" I announced. "Liz, same question. Name that beaver!"

Why is this room tilty?

Liz took another big gulp of her wine.

"Vajingo. As in "maybe the vajingo ate your penis," she said in an Australian accent.

The radio that played from the kitchen finally stopped the sequence of commercials and switched to music.

"I love this song. It really envelopes me," Jenny said dreamily.

"Does it put a stamp on you too?" Liz laughed.

"Yeah, a tramp stamp!" I yelled.

Why am I yelling?

"I don't have a tattoo," Jenny argued.

"It's Claire’s turn and I'm choosing dare," Liz stated.

"Hey, I'm the one that gets to choose," I protested.

"Shut up, whore! I dare you to send Carter a picture of your tits."

"Wait, what did you say?" Jenny asked. "I can't hear you without my glasses on," she mumbled as she poured more wine into her glass. Liz ignored her and scooted across the floor army-style, grabbed my phone that lay in the middle of us and handed it to me. I only hesitated for a second before I snatched it out of her hand and pressed the button for the camera, chugging the rest of my glass of wine for liquid courage.

I lifted my shirt and bra up to my neck, held my arm out in front of me as far as I could and quickly snapped a picture. My shirt and bra were back down and I was scrolling through the contacts in my phone before anyone said anything.

"Holy shit, dude! I just meant a cleavage picture. I didn't need you to whip out the fun bags right in front of us. I have to say though, I'm kind of proud of you right now," Liz said in awe.

"Claire has pretty boobies," Jenny muttered while she looked down the front of her shirt.

I attached the boob shot to a blank text message and typed the words, "We miss you," then hit send.

That was empowering! I felt all sorts of Joan of Arc-like now. But maybe more "The Legend of Billie Jean" movie version of her. Burning at the stake doesn't sound like fun. But I could totally rock a short hair cut and get people to chant "fair is fair" as they follow me and my outlaw friends across state lines. I turned my phone towards Liz and showed her the text.

"Oh, young grasshopper, it is clear you can be taught," Liz said as she wiped a fake tear out of her eye.

"I don't feel very lurid right now," Jenny slurred as she flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling.

"Lucid! It's lucid, Jenny. For fuck's sake, someone get this bitch an Encyclopedia Britannica," Liz yelled from her spot on the floor.

"FAIR IS FAIR!" I yelled as I fist pumped.

I started folding some more of the flyers while Liz crawled over to Jenny and tried to lead her in a Hooked on Phonics boot camp. While Liz made her do push-ups and repeat words back to her, I got up and went to the kitchen to cut up some cheese and grab a plate of crackers.

In hindsight, wielding a cheese grater when my blood type was currently Merlot positive wasn't the best idea.

***

"Kick him in the nut sack!"

I sat down on the couch and rolled my eyes as the UFC fight we watched started a new round.

"Okay, seriously. Enough with the nut kicking talk," I scolded.

Drew looked at me and pouted, "Oh come on, your kid isn't even awake."

I looked behind me where Gavin had fallen asleep on the couch. His little body was draped over the arm of the couch, his head and arms dangling down towards the floor, his knees pushed into the cushions. How in the hell does he fall asleep like that?

"I'm just trying to save you from the wrath of Claire. Really, it's for your own safety," I told him as I looked at his shirt that showed a couple walking in the sand with the words, "I enjoy long walks on the beach…after anal."

"I'll put my nuts on all of you," Gavin’s muffled voice said from his hanging position off the end.

I looked at Drew pointedly.

"Hey, Carter," Jim said as he walked back in from the kitchen. "Why is Claire sending me a picture of her tits with the words, "Me fish Lou," in it?"

"What?" Drew and I both asked in unison.

Jim held his cell phone out to me as I leaned forward to see it.

"Seriously? Claire’s tits are on that phone?" Drew yelled as he jumped up from the couch and tried to grab the phone before I got to it.

I panicked, flew off the recliner in the corner and onto Drew’s back, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"What the fuck are you doing? Get off my back you dumbass," Drew yelled as he twisted and turned, trying to throw me off.

"Don't you even think about looking at that picture, dick licker," I threatened as I tried holding on to his neck with one arm and reached for Jim’ phone with the other.

The phone suddenly beeped and Jim pulled it towards him, rolling his eyes at what he saw.

Drew stopped moving and we both just stood there. Well, Drew just stood there; I was still hanging from his back like a wet noodle.

"Okay, now Jenny is asking me if I want to eat in China tonight. What the fuck is wrong with your women?"

I dropped off of Drew’s back and Jim handed me his phone. I scrolled to the text from Claire and my jaw dropped.