“By the time we were juniors, our relationship had deteriorated to toxic levels. Screaming, fighting, flinging accusations at each other, almost all of them unfounded. I needed him, though, and he needed me, too, no matter how much of a mess we made of the relationship. Then, toward the end of my junior year, I got pregnant.”

I do the math. Not Travis.

“Surprisingly, the news that he would be a father made Skip happy. The scouts were filling his head with dreams of being drafted by the NFL and I guess he pictured me and the baby waiting at home while he lived the dream, posing for pictures and granting interviews. We got married at the courthouse when I was eight weeks along and forty-eight hours later I lost the baby.” Elisa turns toward me, tears in her eyes. “That changes everything. At least it did for me. Even though I knew I was being irrational, I couldn’t believe Skip would want to stay married now that there was no baby. Now it was just him and me and a tiny apartment off campus. Sports Illustrated is never interested in a picture of that. Then, during our senior year, he blew out his knee in the third game of the season.”

I recalled Elisa saying something once about an injury ending Skip’s football career.

“It turned out that he had the same insecurities I did. He thought that not being a football player anymore would influence my desire to stay with him, the same way losing the baby had made me doubt his loyalty. Ridiculous on both sides, but we were too young, and too stubborn to see how foolish we were being. Skip started partying way too hard, staying out all night and skipping class. I found out he cheated on me, so I cheated on him. More than once.”

I stare at Elisa. All this seems so out of character.

“Finally, we had a major fight and I kicked him out. The days that followed were dark. I was only twenty-two and already well on my way to a divorce.”

“Then what happened?” I ask.

“He came back one night. Knocked on the door even though half of his stuff was still in the apartment. I asked him what he wanted and he said, ‘I can’t live without you. I tried. I can’t do it.’ We decided, right then and there, that we would cut through all the crap and make our relationship work. My parents had retired and moved to Florida by then and there wasn’t much of a reason to stay in Texas. I probably would have followed him anywhere if you want to know the truth. We moved here and we started over. Skip went to work for his dad’s insurance agency and then took over when he retired. It made him happy, and trust me, no one was more surprised by that than Skip.”

“And you had Travis,” I say.

“Yes. But I miscarried twice before we were blessed with him.” I put my hand on Elisa’s arm and rub it gently. If my prayers are answered, she’ll have the second baby she so desperately wants.

“What I’m trying to tell you, Claire, is that at the end of the day it’s me and Skip. He’s my best friend. And we have Travis and he’s our world. It was hard on Skip, giving up his dream, but he’s happy with his life. Chris seems happier than he was, but he’s still not there. And when you’re not happy with your own life, and yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else. You’re not happy either, and rightly so. I imagine there are lots of couples going through the same thing you and Chris are. Give him time. But don’t find refuge in another man’s arms. I understand how Daniel can seem like a knight on a white horse right now, but all you’re seeing is the best of each other.” She pauses, and asks, “What’s his story, anyway?”

“I don’t know. He’s divorced. No kids. I don’t think he’s looking for any big commitment.”

“He knows you’re married, right?”

“Yes. And I made it clear I wasn’t looking for anything more than friendship.”

“A guy that looks like him can be pretty tempting,” she warns.

“I don’t even notice anymore.” That’s not entirely true. Sometimes I still do, especially when he smiles. What I don’t tell Elisa is that it isn’t his appearance that keeps me coming back. It’s the way I feel when I’m with him, like I matter. It’s the way he looks at me, listens to me, in a way that Chris can’t—or won’t—right now.

“Do you think men and women can be friends?” Elisa asks. “Just friends?”

“I think it’s a slippery slope.”

“What’s in it for him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he thinks if he’s patient, if he waits long enough, I’ll cross that line.”

“Will you?”

“It’ll only make things worse if I do,” I say, which doesn’t really answer her question. “Do I seem lonely? Do you get a vibe from me?”

“I’ve sensed your loneliness. You don’t appear desperate, though. If that’s what you’re asking.”

“Maybe it’s selfish, but I need to feel Chris’s love. I need to wrap myself up in it and have something solid to hold on to. I don’t want to have to beg my husband to put his arms around me, especially at a time when I need it the most. We’re not making enough progress, back to the way things used to be, because it takes time and togetherness and those two things are in very short supply right now.” I shake my head and pause, watching the kids as they climb to the top of the jungle gym and then hurl themselves down the twisty slide they all love. “I swore I would never be one of those wives who complain about how much their husbands work. Chris has always wanted to provide for us and his career has always made him happy. It’s not like he doesn’t come home because he’s out at the bar getting wasted.”

“Or the track or casino,” Elisa adds. I nod my head in agreement, knowing that we’re both thinking of Bridget.

“He needed that job and I gave him my blessing. But that doesn’t mean his absence has gone unnoticed or that it’s without repercussion.” Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them back. “I’m trying to hold on, Elisa. I am. But there is always something more important to Chris than me.”

“Just don’t let it go too far, Claire. Don’t make the same mistakes Skip and I made.”

Her words slap me in the face, like being doused with cold water. “It’s nothing like that, Elisa. I’m happy when I’m with Daniel. It’s uncomplicated.” But even I know how ridiculous that sounds. Of course it’s complicated. Daniel might be my friend, but he’s still a man. It would be wise for me to remember that.

“It is now. But eventually, it might not be.”

Her words echo in my ears as we collect our children and walk home, the dazzling sunshine beginning to fade as dusk approaches. The kids shuffle along excitedly, pointing at the Halloween decorations on our street. One of the neighbors has really outdone themselves with a giant blow-up witch in the yard and creepy black spiders that look as if they’re climbing the house. There’s a giant pile of bones near the sidewalk, a skull perched precariously on top.

And it occurs to me that Halloween is the only time that any of us willingly bring our skeletons out of the closet.

35

daniel

“What sounds good for lunch?” I ask. I’m standing in the doorway of my living room and Claire’s sitting cross-legged on my couch, as she always does, reading a book.

She smiles and shivers, grabbing the blanket I keep folded at the end of the couch and placing it on her lap. “Something warm.”

The gray November sky could just as easily bypass rain and go straight to snow if the temperature drops any lower. “You look like you’re on the verge of hypothermia,” I say. She runs so much colder than I do. “When do you need to eat?” When Claire’s around I try to follow her schedule since she needs to eat regularly.