I do not deceive—not anymore. Truth is important to me. How sad that something of such worth only became a priority when it was too late. I altered the course of my life, because I was afraid. I am still afraid. Caleb was like a hurricane that swept through my life, stirring up things inside of me that I never knew existed. He is a longing I will never cure.
At thirty years old I am sitting in the Bridal chamber in my wedding gown. I haven’t a clue as to who I am, because who I was before was a bad person and who I am now is undecided. I lost myself, but yet I had never found myself. I am very saddened by the fact that I wasted so much time. I know that it is not too late to figure things out, to find what I love, and who I am. But, then again, I am not sure that I want to know. I am afraid that I missed who I could have been. Yes, I still love him with all my heart. But I fought and I fought and I tore into pieces what should have been protected and nurtured. Life balances itself on a precarious ledge, we can stay safe up high or propel off the edge. Noah tells me that all the time. Noah, who has taught me to be good, gentle, and has shown me so much truth about myself. I changed for Noah, because I didn’t dare hurt another person who loved me. I will have a good life with him. I adore him. But he doesn’t have my heart. You can only give your heart away once, after that, everything else will chase your first love.
I have finally accepted that there are consequences to every action. I earned them and they are rightfully mine. There is no time to make bad decisions. Every step is precious. The definition of living is mine.
And so, I think once more of him before I leave the room because, after today, I have to send him away as well. He is happy and I am satisfied with that because I have finally learned to love someone more than myself. I hear the bridal waltz— my cue. I stand in front of the closed doors of the church and for a second, as they swing open, I see Caleb. He is at the altar waiting for me. I blink twice and things are back as they should be. Noah is beaming at me. Cammie is crying. I take my first step and then my second and right before the door closes, I look once more over my shoulder. Caleb is still under the tree, he winks at me, and I smile.