He glanced up at me, remorse flashing in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I should have. I just didn’t want to give you something to worry about when I knew I had it under control.”

“She propositioned you?”

He nodded. “There was no temptation there. None. I told you, I’m handling it. And I’ve got someone better I’m waiting for.” He laced our fingers together, his palm resting against mine, warm and solid.

“Should we go upstairs?” I whispered, suddenly feeling bold and wanting some privacy with him.

“I thought we’d hang out down here, maybe watch a movie or something.”

“Oh, okay.” I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice, but failed.

Knox flipped through the selection of available movies for rent and let me pick a romantic comedy I’d been waiting to see for several months. I curled against his side and he held me while we watched the sugary-sweet interactions playing out on the screen. They seemed so far from real life. At least far-removed from my life and Knox’s. In my experiences, real life and love were incredibly messy affairs. That was what I knew. Maybe that was why I was so comfortable with Knox. He’d been through hell and back, too, and we recognized those deep scars in each other.

Throughout the entire movie Knox kept things purely platonic. His arms were wrapped around me, strong and sure, but the few times I’d tried to let my hands wander to touch him, his stomach, his thigh…he would tighten his grip around me, holding me in place and effectively preventing me from touching him. It was incredibly frustrating and only left me worked up and buzzing unfulfilled energy inside me.

For two hours I lay there in his arms, his chest rising and falling steadily against my back, his breath warming the back of my neck. Various scenarios played out in my head. I imagined rolling towards him, unbuckling his belt and touching him again. What would he do then? The realization that he may stop me, that he might reject me, prevented me from making my move.

Once the credits rolled, I climbed from my warm spot next to him on the couch and stood, stretching. “Should we go up to bed?”

Knox stood up, watching me warily. “You’re sleeping over?”

“Is that okay?” God, why was he acting so weird tonight?

He hesitated, looking down at the floor.

“Why are you acting like you don’t want me here?”

He didn’t respond, he just continued staring down at the floor between our feet.

“Knox?”

“This is hard for me, being near you and knowing I can’t have you,” he admitted softly.

I wanted to tell him he could have me, anytime, anyplace. I’d gotten brief glimpses of how good we could be together and I wanted more. “You have me,” I whispered.

He crossed the room and pulled me into his arms. “I know. I’m sorry, angel. I have a lot on my mind and I don’t want to fuck this up with you. That’s all.”

“Do you want me to go?” I looked up at him, blinking.

“No. Stay. Please?”

I nodded and let him guide me up the stairs.

Once I’d brushed my teeth and changed into a T-shirt of Knox’s, I stood beside the bed, watching while he pulled his shirt off over his head and stripped out of his jeans. His body was a work of art, complete with sculpted lines and rugged muscles that I wanted to touch and lick. He evoked strange feelings inside me that no man had before. It was an almost animal attraction that brought out a new and viscerally sexual side of me.

“Knox?”

“Hmm?” He asked, folding his jeans and tossing them on top of his dresser.

I found my courage and took a step closer, tugging on the hem of my borrowed T-shirt. “When we said we were gonna do this, a real relationship…to me that meant everything that came along with a relationship.” Several long moments ticked by while my heart beat thudded dully in my chest.

“Say we do this thing for real – then what?” Frustrated, his hands tore through his hair, leaving it in a sexy disarray.

“What do you mean? We agree to be there for each other, we both try.”

“And if I fuck up? If I hurt you….” He stared blankly at the wall above my head. “I couldn’t…I wouldn’t chance that.” I knew there was more he wasn’t saying. I’d already been through too much with my parents. I was damaged and he wouldn’t be part of contributing to my hurt any more than he already had. I hated that I could never seem to escape my past, no matter how hard I worked.

“Isn’t that for me to decide?”

His eyes slid back to mine. “You believe in me way too much.”

“Someone’s got to, Knox. I’ve seen the real you. The one you keep hidden from everyone else. You’re a good man, despite what you want me to believe.”

“You refuse to see the bad in me.”

“So tell me, then. What’s so bad about you?” I was edging into dangerous territory. We’d never really covered his background in detail and I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but I was putting on my bravest front to show him that I wouldn’t be scared off. Who cared if prickles of sweat were forming against the back of my neck and my knees felt shaky? It was a conversation that needed to happen.

“You really want to hear the shit I’ve done?”

Suddenly losing my nerve, my lips parted, but no sound came out.

Knox took a step closer, his gaze hardening. “You want to hear that I fucked a mother and her eighteen-year-old daughter in the same day? That I broke up my buddy’s engagement when I accepted a blowjob from his fiancée? That because of this sick need inside me I’ve pushed every boundary, every limit? That I enjoy anal sex and the occasional ménage? Is that what you want to hear? You can’t handle me, angel. I can barely fucking handle me.”

The air whooshed from my lungs, my confidence vanishing. For the first time I began to doubt him – us – my belief that this could work falling away like a veil in the wind. He would want things I couldn’t possibility give him.

“Say something,” he ordered, taking a predatory step closer.

“I get it, okay? You made your point. You’re experienced. I’m not.”

“That wasn’t my point. Not at all.” He hung his head, looking down at the floor, his hands returning to his hair once again. “I’m sick, not a man worthy of you,” he whispered.

My heart broke for him. He deserved love and acceptance even if he couldn’t see that. “The things you’ve done don’t scare me. I just worry I won’t measure up to your past.”

He stepped closer, wrapping a hand around my hip to draw me nearer until we were just inches apart. It didn’t escape my notice that he was dressed in only a pair of black boxer briefs. “You have it backwards. My past doesn’t measure up to you.” His voice was whispery soft and his mouth was brushing against my ear, sending delicious little shivers racing down my spine. He pressed a tender kiss against the side of my neck and my head fell back, my body craving more.  His warm tongue slid against my pulse point, which was fluttering wildly. “I can read your fear, your uncertainty. You’re not ready for this.”

Finding my voice, I whispered, “So show me.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, what you’re agreeing to.”

We’d spoken only briefly about his dominant nature, but that word hung in the air all around us, its hidden meaning permeating my every pore.  Maybe I couldn’t handle his brand of physical affection. But what he’d shown me so far had been tender and intimate. Would sex with Knox really be so different? His tastes and desires were unknown to me, but most of me found that exciting. Nerves raced through my belly as he nipped at my neck. “If we do this, Knox…have a real relationship, you’d have to show me….” I breathed, finding my courage.

He squeezed me tighter. “If we do this, you have to tell Brian about us.”

I giggled. Such an alpha male thing to say, laying his claim to me and wanting it known by all. “Of course I will. But stop avoiding this conversation. ”