“Well… vaguely. You were sitting under a tree wearing an orange shirt. You had a guitar. Do you still play it?”

“Now and then. I was playing a part, playing at being a gypsy.”

“You had gold rings in your ears.”

“Yes. I worked hard at it. When I saw you I thought I had never seen anyone quite like you.”

“I certainly had never seen anyone like you. But then I knew little of gypsies.”

“I thought: I shouldn’t be meeting her like this. It should be at a ball and she should be older. She should be seventeen, her first ball, and she should have the first dance with me. I realized then what I had done by throwing away my old way of life, my background, everything … just for a whim.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I swear.”

“But you did not go back to your home.”

“You know the pride of the young. They take a step and refuse to see that it is folly. I was determined to go on with what I had begun, but I never forgot you. And then … there I was in danger of losing my life and you came to save it. Doesn’t that show that you and I were meant to be a great deal to each other?”

“I don’t know about such things. Perhaps I don’t believe that anything is meant. Things are what we make them.”

He said slowly: “I am not going to let you go now I have found you.”

“I daresay you will visit us. You are Tamarisk’s father. You will want to see her and she will probably want to see you.”

“I was not thinking of that. I love you. I always have. I used to think of you on that fearful ship and later in my hut. I used to come out at night and look at the stars overhead. I used to imagine that you, too, would be looking at the stars and they would be different from the ones I saw. We were on opposite sides of the world. We should be together always.”

“I think I should go,” I said. “Show me the house quickly and I will get on with my shopping.”

He rose, took my hands, and pulled me up beside him. For a moment we stood very close. I felt an extraordinary lassitude creeping over me. I was unsure what it meant except that it was a warning. I ought to get out of this house as quickly as possible.

We mounted the stairs, he leading the way.

“Small, as I told you,” he was saying. “But compact.”

We had reached a landing and he threw open a door. There was a large bedroom with a four-poster bed. The curtains were of green velvet; they matched the drapes at the window and there were touches of green in the carpet.

“Your brother was very fond of green,” I said.

“His favourite colour obviously. Do you like it?”

“Enchanting. It’s so fresh.”

He shut the door and I said: “Show me the next room. Then I must go.”

He put his arms round me and pulled me down to sit on the bed. “What are you doing with your life?” he said.

I laughed on a rather high note. “I believe,” I answered, “that I am doing what most people do with their lives. I am living it.”

“You are living in a half world, Jessica. You have shut yourself away from reality.”

“My life is real enough.”

“You are merely existing. Why did you do it?”

I turned rather angrily to him. “I had to do it. Why did you leave your home and become a gypsy? Why did you kill a man for the sake of a girl and almost lose your life for it?”

“Why do we do these things? But having done them should we suffer for them for ever?”

“You won’t. You have cast your misfortunes aside admirably. I shall never forget how you looked at the Inskips’ ball. No one would have guessed.”

“One doesn’t have to live for ever with one’s mistakes. You cannot shut yourself away. You can’t just wither away in that place.”

“I’m not withering away. I am living a very useful life.”

“Now that I have found you, you don’t imagine that I am going to let you go.”

I was shaken. I wanted to hear him say that. I should have gone then … but I could not. More than anything I wanted to stay.

I replied: “I have made my bed, as they say, and I must lie on it.”

He shook his head. “You and I will find happiness together.”

“How can that be?”

He drew me to him and kissed me over and over again.

No, said my conscience. But something else said: Stay. Why shouldn’t you? What harm is it doing?

Harm! But I was married to Edward.

Edward would not know.

That was the danger signal. I was actually telling myself that Edward need never know. I felt quite depraved and with it a sensation of great excitement. I knew in that moment that I was going to succumb to temptation.

He went on kissing me.

“It had to be,” he said.

I made no effort to break away.

“Please, Jessica,” he said, “I have dreamed of this for so many years. It has sustained me … brought me through. One day I shall find her, I told myself. And now I have, I shall never let you go.”

I was in love with him. How different this was from the mild attraction I had once felt for Peter Lansdon. This was overwhelming, an intense longing to be with him. I thought, I shall never be happy when he is not there.

“I know you love me,” he said.

“I can’t. I must not.”

“You cannot say you can’t when you do.”

“Jake,” I said pleadingly. “Jake, I must remember my obligations. I never knew until now what a terrible mistake I have made, but it is done, and it is my mistake. I must live with it.”

As I was speaking he was slipping my gown from my shoulders; and I knew I could not resist.

So it had happened. I felt bewildered and exhilarated by the experience. I felt as though I were dreaming. But there he was beside me and I knew that I loved him, had always loved him, and would love him for ever.

He kissed me tenderly. “You must not be sad,” he said. “It had to be. You could not go on in that way … not when I was near you. You must not be afraid.”

I could only say: “I have done this … to Edward.”

“Edward would understand.”

I shook my head. “He must never know.”

“He won’t.”

“I would die rather. He has been so good. That terrible accident… to happen to such a man. I have to care for him for the rest of our lives.”

“It will not always be like this,” he said. “We will think what it is best to do.”

“We must never meet again.”

“That is quite out of the question. My dearest Jessica, this is not such an unusual occurrence as you think.”

“I know wives are unfaithful to their husbands, husbands to wives. But that does not help me. This is not any husband and wife. This is Edward. It is myself.”

“My dear sweet Jessica, life is not meant to be a penance. It is to be lived to the full… to be enjoyed. As soon as we met again this was inevitable. In view of what your marriage has been no one would blame you.”

“I blame myself.”

“I will teach you differently.”

Then he took me into his arms and made love to me again … this time less urgently, tenderly.

And I made no attempt to restrain him.

I knew that I had changed the course of my life then. I knew that this was a beginning and that I should not be able to resist him. I was about to embark on a double life.

Blackmail

IF THAT HAD BEEN the end perhaps there would have been an excuse for me. But it was not. I was as though intoxicated. I made excuses for myself. I was a woman with natural desires. Edward could never help me fulfil these. I had taken a lover. That sounded casual. I loved deeply and was loved in return. I believed now that I had always loved Jake. Something had passed between us when we first met and I had only to see him again to realize that he was the man for me.

I went on explaining to myself. Edward would understand. He had always been worried because he knew that this was not a natural life we were living. I would make up to him for what I had done. I would be even more solicitous, even more caring.