He has made it in time for most of the evening news, but decides against it. There is only so much Gulf oil-spill and Tea Party politics he can take. He turns on his computer instead, launches Firefox, and plugs Under Debbie’s Blue Umbrella into the search field. There are only six results, a very small catch in the vast fishy sea of the Internet, and only one that matches the phrase exactly. Hodges clicks on it and a picture appears.
Under a sky filled with threatening clouds is a country hillside. Animated rain – a simple repeating loop, he judges – is pouring down in silvery streams. But the two people seated beneath a large blue umbrella, a young man and a young woman, are safe and dry. They are not kissing, but their heads are close together. They appear to be in deep conversation.
Below the picture, there’s a brief description of the Blue Umbrella’s raison d’etre.
Unlike sites such as Facebook and Linkedln, Under Debbie’s Blue Umbrella is a chat site where old friends can meet and new friends can get to know one another in TOTAL GUARENTEED ANONYMITY. No pictures, no porn, no 140-character Tweets, just GOOD OLD-FASHIONED CONVERSATION.
Below this is a button marked GET STARTED NOW! Hodges mouses his cursor onto it, then hesitates. About six months ago, Jerome had to delete his email address and give him a new one, because everyone in Hodges’s address book had gotten a message saying he was stranded in New York, someone had stolen his wallet with all his credit cards inside, and he needed money to get home. Would the email recipient please send fifty dollars – more if he or she could afford it – to a Mail Boxes Etc. in Tribeca. ‘I’ll pay you back as soon as I get this mess straightened out,’ the message concluded.
Hodges was deeply embarrassed because the begging request had gone out to his ex, his brother in Toledo, and better than four dozen cops he’d worked with over the years. Also his daughter. He had expected his phone – both landline and cell – to ring like crazy for the next forty-eight hours or so, but very few people called, and only Alison seemed actually concerned. This didn’t surprise him. Allie, a Gloomy Gus by nature, has been expecting her father to lose his shit ever since he turned fifty-five.
Hodges had called on Jerome for help, and Jerome explained he had been a victim of phishing.
‘Mostly the people who phish your address just want to sell Viagra or knockoff jewelry, but I’ve seen this kind before, too. It happened to my Environmental Studies teacher, and he ended up paying people back almost a thousand bucks. Of course, that was in the old days, before people wised up—’
‘Old days meaning exactly when, Jerome?’
Jerome had shrugged. ‘Two, three years ago. It’s a new world out there, Mr Hodges. Just be grateful the phisherman didn’t hit you with a virus that ate all your files and apps.’
‘I wouldn’t lose much,’ Hodges had said. ‘Mostly I just surf the Web. Although I would miss the computer solitaire. It plays “Happy Days Are Here Again” when I win.’
Jerome had given him his patented I’m-too-polite-to-call-you-dumb look. ‘What about your tax returns? I helped you do em online last year. You want someone to see what you paid Uncle Sugar? Besides me, I mean?’
Hodges admitted he didn’t.
In that strange (and somehow endearing) pedagogical voice the intelligent young always seem to employ when endeavoring to educate the clueless old, Jerome said, ‘Your computer isn’t just a new kind of TV set. Get that out of your mind. Every time you turn it on, you’re opening a window into your life. If someone wants to look, that is.’
All this goes through his head as he looks at the blue umbrella and the endlessly falling rain. Other stuff goes through it, too, stuff from his cop-mind, which had been asleep but is now wide awake.
Maybe Mr Mercedes wants to talk. On the other hand, maybe what he really wants is to look through that window Jerome was talking about.
Instead of clicking on GET STARTED NOW!, Hodges exits the site, grabs his phone, and punches one of the few numbers he has on speed-dial. Jerome’s mother answers, and after some brief and pleasant chitchat, she hands off to young Mr Chos Fo Hos himself.
Speaking in the most horrible Ebonics dialect he can manage, Hodges says: ‘Yo, my homie, you keepin dem bitches in line? Dey earnin? You representin?’
‘Oh, hi, Mr Hodges. Yes, everything’s fine.’
‘You don’t likes me talkin dis way on yo honkah, brah?’
‘Uh …’
Jerome is honestly flummoxed, and Hodges takes pity on him. ‘The lawn looks terrific.’
‘Oh. Good. Thanks. Can I do anything else for you?’
‘Maybe so. I was wondering if you could come by after school tomorrow. It’s a computer thing.’
‘Sure. What’s the problem this time?’
‘I’d rather not discuss it on the phone,’ Hodges says, ‘but you might find it interesting. Four o’clock okay?’
‘That works.’
‘Good. Do me a favor and leave Tyrone Feelgood Deelite at home.’
‘Okay, Mr Hodges, will do.’
‘When are you going to lighten up and call me Bill? Mr Hodges makes me feel like your American History teacher.’
‘Maybe when I’m out of high school,’ Jerome says, very seriously.
‘Just as long as you know you can make the jump any time you want.’
Jerome laughs. The kid has got a great, full laugh. Hearing it always cheers Hodges up.
He sits at the computer desk in his little cubbyhole of an office, drumming his fingers, thinking. It occurs to him that he hardly ever uses this room during the evening. If he wakes at two A.M. and can’t get back to sleep, yes. He’ll come in and play solitaire for an hour or so before returning to bed. But he’s usually in his La-Z-Boy between seven and midnight, watching old movies on AMC or TCM and stuffing his face with fats and sugars.
He grabs his phone again, dials Directory Assistance, and asks the robot on the other end if it has a number for Janelle Patterson. He’s not hopeful; now that she is the Seven Million Dollar Woman, and newly divorced in the bargain, Mrs Trelawney’s sister has probably got an unlisted number.
But the robot coughs it up. Hodges is so surprised he has to fumble for a pencil and then punch 2 for a repeat. He drums his fingers some more, thinking how he wants to approach her. It will probably come to nothing, but it would be his next step if he were still on the cops. Since he’s not, it will take a little extra finesse.
He is amused to discover how eagerly he welcomes this challenge.
5
Brady calls ahead to Sammy’s Pizza on his way home and picks up a small pepperoni and mushroom pie. If he thought his mother would eat a couple of slices, he would have gotten a bigger one, but he knows better.
Maybe if it was pepperoni and Popov, he thinks. If they sold that, I’d have to skip the medium and go straight to a large.
There are tract houses on the city’s North Side. They were built between Korea and Vietnam, which means they all look the same and they’re all turning to shit. Most still have plastic toys on the crabgrassy lawns, although it’s now full dark. Chez Hartsfield is at 49 Elm Street, where there are no elms and probably never were. It’s just that all the streets in this area of the city – known, reasonably enough, as Northfield – are named for trees.
Brady parks behind Ma’s rustbucket Honda, which needs a new exhaust system, new points, and new plugs. Not to mention an inspection sticker.
Let her take care of it, Brady thinks, but she won’t. He will. He’ll have to. The way he takes care of everything.
The way I took care of Frankie, he thinks. Back when the basement was just the basement instead of my control center.
Brady and Deborah Ann Hartsfield don’t talk about Frankie.
The door is locked. At least he’s taught her that much, although God knows it hasn’t been easy. She’s the kind of person who thinks okay solves all of life’s problems. Tell her Put the half-and-half back in the fridge after you use it, she says okay. Then you come home and there it sits on the counter, going sour. You say Please do a wash so I can have a clean uni for the ice cream truck tomorrow, she says okay. But when you poke your head into the laundry room, everything’s still there in the basket.