I spoke to Jimmie about all of this but she wasn’t quite getting the passion I felt; she and Marley were turning into more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, there was something going on with her but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, she never spoke about other boys and she was at our house as much as she always was but things just weren’t happening between her and Marls and it didn’t seem to bother her when he spoke about other girls, or when he kissed other girls like I had seen him do when the band came off stage. My Dad had fixed them up with a transit van so they could get from gig to gig with all their equipment; despite working at one of my Dad’s car showrooms in the day, Lennon was now pretty much managing the boys, he took and arranged all the bookings, managed the money and as the only one amongst us with a full license, he also did all the driving.
It was Christmas eve of 1982 when I finally worked out what was going on with Jimmie; the band were booked at a local pub, it was a ticket only event and was a complete sell out, we arrived early as the place would be filling up by seven and the boys wanted to have a sound check as they’d never played at this venue before and this was probably going to be their biggest crowd yet, over two hundred tickets had been sold according to Len, and the boys wanted to impress. Not that they wouldn’t, they were great and getting better with every show, growing in confidence so much that almost fifty per cent of their songs were originals, written by Marley and Sean mostly, they still did covers, The Clash, The Jam, The Undertones, The Specials being among their favourites as well as some old classics by The Who, Beatles and Kinks, whatever they played, they sounded great and I loved watching Sean up on the stage, especially when his eyes would lock with mine and everyone else would just melt away, me and him, that’s all there was, that’s all that mattered.
The boys were having a run through of their set when I realised I was cold, the hall at the back of the pub was big and the heating hadn’t been put on yet so I went to go back outside to get my jacket, as I walked down the hallway toward the emergency exit at the back of the building where the van was parked, I saw them, Lennon and my best friend Jamie. Kissing like their lives depended on it. I stood and watched for a few seconds, my best friend and my brother and neither of them thought to tell me about it. What about Marley, did he know, is that why they had kept it quiet? This could cause so much trouble between the boys and I wished that I didn’t know about it. I watched as they broke apart but still stared into each other’s eyes, I knew that look, it’s how Sean and I looked at each other, this was more than just a kiss, this was love and I was thoroughly pissed off with the pair of them. As they turned to walk back inside, I walked toward them looking at the ground as if I had seen nothing. Lennon held the door open for me.
“Porge, where you off to?”
“Don’t call me that. I want my jacket out of the van. Is it open?”
He threw me the keys as he and Jimmie walked back inside, she didn’t look me in the eye as she passed and it hurt a little that my best friend had kept this secret from me. She knew everything about me, every look, every thought, every feeling, why wouldn’t she share this with me? He’s my brother. Did she not think I would be interested?
I grab my coat, head back inside and look around for Len, he appears through the swing doors leading from the front of the pub, carrying a tray full of drinks; he put them down on the table next to me and shouted for the boys to come down from the stage. Jim appeared at my side, then Sean, Lennon passed out beers to the boys and gave me and Jimmie a bottle of cider each.
“Here’s to Carnage! A great gig, a very merry Christmas and great things for the coming year – 1983 boys, it’s gonna be our year, I can just feel it. Cheers.”
There were kisses and hugs all round; Jimmie felt stiff and informal when she pulled me into her and I felt awkward. Sean wrapped his arms around me and kissed me like he was never going to let me go.
“Merry Christmas G. Stay close to Lennon tonight, it’s gonna get busy in here and don’t drink too much.”
He kisses my nose and looks over my face. “You okay?”
Tears sting the backs of my eyes for some reason and I feel angry with myself for getting upset so I just nod my head.
“What’s wrong? You look upset.” I shake my head and smile up at him.
“I’m just so proud of you; you sound so great up there, especially the new stuff. 1983 really could be your year you know? Will you still love me when you’re famous and your pictures are all over ‘The Face’ and ‘Smash Hits’?”
He pulls me into him tightly.
“I’ll love you forever G, wherever I am in the world, whatever I’m doing, it will always be you, I’m yours, for as long as you want me, for as long as I’m good for you, I’m all yours.”
“What does that mean? For as long as you’re good for me? What does that mean?”
There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I hate it. Why would he say that? He looks around the room before looking back down at me.
“I just worry sometimes, I think your Mum and Dad and even your brothers would prefer it if you was with someone who wanted a proper job, who had something more solid planned for when they leave school; music is all I want G, music and you and sometimes I worry that that’s not enough.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, I never knew he felt like this, of course he’s enough, he’s everything.
“I love you Sean, no matter what, I love you, I don’t care about anything or anyone else and you will always be enough, always.”
The boys are all back up on stage and the place has filled up around us while we’ve been talking.
Marley calls out, “Maca put my sister down and get up here!”
He winks down at me and as has become his normal greeting or goodbye, whispers into my ear, “Show us your tits?”
One of these days, I would totally shock him and give him a flash. One of these days very soon.
He leaves with a grin and a kiss to the top of my head. They go down a storm that night, the place is packed and the tunes are tight, Lennon seems to be on cloud nine with their performance and buys Jim and me another drink every time he goes to the bar, by the time the boys take a break, I’m feeling pretty drunk. I watch as Sean steps off the stage and some girl steps in front of him and wraps her arms around his neck, I’ve seen her before, she’s short and blonde with big tits, she’s dressed all slutty in a see through lace top with a red bra underneath and a little ra-ra skirt and ballet pumps, she thinks she’s Madonna. I think she’s a whore who needs to get her hands off my fucking boyfriend. I watch as she leans in and tries to kiss him, Sean has hold of her by the waist and leans away shaking his head, he looks up and gives me a truly breath taking smile. She follows his gaze, looks me up and down and while he’s still looking at me, she turns and licks his face. I don’t see his reaction to that, everything becomes a blur, I fly across the now almost empty dance floor and grab her by the hair, throwing her to the floor. I don’t know where the anger comes from, the drink, Jimmie and Lennon keeping me in the dark, Sean’s words from earlier about thinking that he’s not enough? I have no idea, but it’s there and it’s not stopping with the hair pulling, I’m on top of her, screaming and punching, I have handfuls of her hair. Then there are hands and arms all over me, voices screaming my name and telling me to stop but I keep lashing out until my arms are pinned to my side and I can’t move. I’m carried to the small room out the back reserved for the band. Lennon and Marley have hold of me, telling me again to calm down, my breathing is ragged and heavy and I feel anger like I’ve never known before, I slap my brother’s hands away from me.