Syd could feel her heart beating harder listening to their conversation. She wanted to hear more and wanted to get up and leave before they said anything that might be upsetting or weird.
Fitz put his hand on the doorframe and leaned there. “Yeah,” he said. “Her best friend Declan—maybe he’s her boyfriend—has the same attitude. Kid’s an incredible wiseass but clearly headed to Harvard. He’s one of those geniuses who goes on to be a professor or gets scooped up to work on a government project. I wish they could be like their friend Becky. She’s such a sweetheart, never in trouble.”
“C’mon, Dan, it’s harder for some people to pull off that intellectual rebel thing. Declan gets away with more because he’s a boy. Becky has a little more poise for some reason, I suspect ’cause she gets a little more parenting. But Tate’s got a lot of pressure. Hell, you know it’s still a harder world for girls, and for some reason this kid with everything going for her is making it even harder on herself.”
“And she’s been making it harder on herself for years,” Fitzgerald said.
“Anybody ever have a nice long talk with her parents?” Richards asked.
He shook his head and laughed. “If we could track them down,” he said, and Syd felt butterflies in her stomach and the hair on the back of her neck go up as he talked about her parents. “Funny family,” he said, scratching his head. “Never available. Rarely home. Her father’s a builder. Salt-of-the-earth, back-country Mainer who made good. But y’know, sometimes even I can barely understand what he’s saying. Accent so thick. The money comes from her mother’s side, and that family owns half the state. Apparently they met when Mrs. Tate was home from college and he was doing some work on one of her parents’ houses in Kennebunk. Or that’s the gossip, anyway. Can’t say I’ve been able to have a decent conversation with either one of them. Even back when Tate started that fire in the chemistry lab freshman year. I told them about it—the mother said, ‘I see,’ and a week later we had an anonymous gift for state-of-the-art lab equipment. But no change in the kid’s behavior at all.”
Richards shook her head. “That is the last thing in the world a kid like that needs. No consequences.”
“Tell me about it,” Fitzgerald said. “Between her and Declan we got just about no authority. It’s hard to tell kids their grades will suffer if they screw off when the two of them are like the poster boy and girl for the benefits of having an attitude problem. Sure to be valedictorian and salutatorian—one or the other of them, and they’re both little pains in my ass. Never seen anything like it.”
“Trick is to keep them busy,” Richards said. “Find a way to direct them, maybe.”
“Well, that’s true for Declan,” Fitzgerald said. “Soon as the Model UN or chess club starts he’s out of everyone’s hair for a while and his detentions go down. But Tate? She’s a special case. You’ll see, Mandy, you’ll see.”
00:00–13:42—Swing set
15:04—Cheerleading practice
18:51—Pine Grove Inn
Dear Lined Piece of Paper,
If they would let me stay home from school, I could get so much done! Already in the days since we’ve moved here I feel like I am on to something that’s made me feel better than ever. It might be the drugs, sure, of course it could be the new drugs, especially given the fact that I’ve decided to adjust my own dosage! Not sure how Dr. Adams calculates these things but I was reading online and actually nothing major will happen to my liver if I take even four times as much as they have me on. That means FOUR TIMES as relaxed. And FOUR TIMES as focused and FOUR TIMES better at getting everything done. So it might be the drugs but I think it’s actually a whole new way of thinking about life!
I always believed it was best to see life from a distance, record it from a distance. And then watch it. We think we remember the way things are but we don’t. That’s why I don’t even understand why I’m supposed to go to Dr. Adams. If he wants to know what happened he can just look at the footage. How am I supposed to talk about what I remember from years ago? Those things might not be accurate. Anyway, now I think I can get it right. I just need the perfect subject. I need the perfect character. I need someone who is brave and sweet and full of life, like Eric! I need a partner! And I know just the person. I don’t know how I’ll be able to put the camera down to go to school. But I figure I can get myself a smaller camera. Something tiny I can carry on a lanyard. Something people won’t even notice. I’m not just trying to document my life. I’m trying to make sure I know who I am. And that when that moment comes again I’ll be able to capture it perfectly. The problem with people as far as I’m concerned is they make up these phony personas. They walk around trying to make sure no one knows who they are—wearing whatever everyone else does, listening to whatever music is on the radio, but who are they really? They create whole fake versions of themselves for Facebook.
But on film—in the way I film them—there is a point where the facade breaks down, where you can see who they really are. What I’m giving people is a gift! And it’s a gift I want for myself too! I want to know who I am. I don’t think I’ve ever felt all that scared—shy, yes; pathologically shy, maybe, according to some—but scared? No way. Maybe someday I’ll be able to scare myself, but so far it hasn’t happened. When it happens I’ll have it on film, that’s for sure. I’ll be able to see exactly what it looks like when whatever facade I’ve created for myself breaks down. Even if I don’t know it’s there. There’s something inside of me and I feel like I am closer to getting to it than I’ve ever been before. Four times closer. LOL.
The main thing now is I need more money so I can do all this stuff without asking Dad and Kim to buy me equipment. Fortunately due to my superior reasoning (FOUR TIMES BETTER REASONING SKILLS) I’ve worked out THE PERFECT WAY to make some cash. I’ve set up a PayPal account and also an Amazon wish list so that people who download my films can pay me directly or buy me what I need and then just ship those things to me. You would not believe how interested people are in my films. It’s amazing to me that I’m not already some kind of international superstar. I am like Quentin Tarantino and Stanley Kubrick all rolled into one.
So anyway, Kim is home all day but she’s in her studio working and she has never once brought in the mail that I know of. So no one will know if I get packages or not. When I finish this project it will all make sense to everyone. Especially to me. I will understand things the way I couldn’t before.
Between “finding my calling,” as Dr. Adams would say, and working on the Austin Healey, I think life in Rockland is shaping up to be okay. And the neighbors! Beautiful Tate! I want to talk to her. I want to see her. I want to make her the star of all my films!!
We were baking muffins together, which I have to admit only happened when Syd was high and in a good mood and there wasn’t already a lot of junk food in the house. She’d convince me to make them and then we’d hang out in the kitchen. I guess it was one of the rare times we got along these days. And even though I didn’t like her getting high all the time she could be silly and fun to be around when it was just the two of us.
Anyway, so there we were at the counter and we saw him from the window.
“You going to invite your crush over?” Syd asked, grinning at me.