I can’t do this. I can’t.

But somehow, pressing on has become the only thing in the world that matters anymore, like I’ll be giving up on myself and Shane if I stop moving. So I move my numb feet on the pedals, round and round. I haven’t seen any cars for a while, so I’m startled when a truck swerves off the road and stops on the shoulder in front of me. The rain pounds the pavement, glimmering red in the taillights.

If this is Dylan, I think I have to kill him. As I consider whether I can strangle him with my bike lock, my aunt jumps out of the passenger seat. I realize this one is silver, not black. Right. This is Joe’s truck.

I can hardly process what Gabby’s saying, my mind is working so slow. She’s yelling at me and hugging me, and saying stuff like Do you know how long we looked for you? We’ve been driving up and down between here and the motel all night.

I just stare at her and she sighs. “Get in the truck, Sage.”

She’s soaking wet too now. My teeth are chattering with cold. Joe swings down from the driver’s seat and I back up. If she lets him manhandle me, if he puts me bodily in the cab, I will never forgive either of them. This is the only choice I have left, and I’ll break into a million pieces if they take it away from me. I don’t care that it’s stupid. I started this journey for Shane, my way, and I’ll finish it for him, even if they think I’m insane.

“What do you want to do?” Joe asks my aunt.

“Get my bike out of the back.”

What? She’s gonna ride with me? No.

“You can go home. I’m okay.” I’m not. I’m freezing and drowning and sadder than I’ve ever been in my life, because my mom didn’t care, and Shane’s dad doesn’t, and I’m hurting Gabby, the only person who’s cared about me in years.

Aunt Gabby grabs my shoulders as Joe lifts her bike from the back of his truck. “I don’t know how much you’re hearing right now, but understand this: I love you. And I will never, ever leave you. No matter what you do or where you go, I’m there for you. If you need to ride a bike home in the pouring rain, I’ll be right behind you.” Then she’s hugging me so hard that it hurts.

But it’s a good hurt because when did anyone ever say that to me? I’ll never, ever leave you. The sob explodes out of me and I grab on to her, my feet slipping on the wet asphalt until we reel against Joe’s truck. I’m sure he thinks we’re both crazy, but it doesn’t matter. Aunt Gabby runs her hands through my sodden hair, and I cling. I cling.

“I never knew about you, Sage. I wish I had, but I didn’t grow up with your father. By the time the state told me about you, you had already been through so much. I’ve tried so hard to show you—”

“I was always afraid you took me in because you felt sorry for me. And that if I did anything wrong, you’d get fed up and send me back.”

“Forget that shit,” she snaps. “You’re my daughter in all ways but biology, and I will never give you up … or give up on you. Now … are you ready to go home?”

I swipe rain and tears out of my eyes, then step back and swing onto my bike. Gabby tells Joe, “Meet us at the house, okay? Run a hot bath and make some tea.”

“You got it,” he replies.

I kind of love him right then because most men would try to assert their will, convince me how stupid I’m being. And I know that I am. I know. But the heart isn’t logical. You can’t force it to make sense all the time. Sometimes only the dumbest thing in the world can give you any peace.

He kisses Gabby and climbs back into the truck. Then I push off on the wet road and pedal hard into the wind. That rush propels me to the top of a small rise, and when I sail down it, I lift my palms to the night sky, remembering that Shane thought I was fearless, instead of a girl governed by silent dread.

“Be careful,” my aunt shouts.

I put my icy hands back on the handlebars. There’s eight miles to go. And like she promised, Aunt Gabby is behind me every step of the way.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Joe is waiting for us with hot tea, soft blankets, and a tub full of warm water. He doesn’t yell at me. He just says, “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t worry your aunt like that again.”

“I’ll try not to,” I say.

I take my mug to the bathroom, undress, and climb into the water. For what seems like an hour, I soak, then I remember that Gabby is cold, too. But when I hurry out, wrapped in my robe, I find that she’s already changed clothes.

“We need to talk,” she says.

“I know.” I sit down on the sofa.

There’s no avoiding this lecture. I deserve it. So I listen to everything she says about how scared they were, how she never wants to feel that way again. And she ends with, “You know, I always wanted kids. But I didn’t have any with my ex, so I thought it was too late. Then I found out about you, and it’s the best of both worlds. I get to watch you turn into a wonderful woman, and I’ll get all of the grandchildren, none of the potty training.”

This surprises a watery laugh out of me. “Don’t count on them too soon.”

“Ten to fifteen years?” she suggests.

“Sounds about right.”

Then my aunt sobers. “Obviously, you’re grounded. Two weeks, nothing but school and work.”

“What about Green World?”

“I can’t say no to community service. But no sleepovers, no visitors, no movies out, no hanging in the square, and I want your phone.”

Jesus. She’s really mad. But I don’t argue; I just hand over my cell. “I’m sorry.”

“Did it help? Did Shane’s dad listen?”

I sigh. “Doubt it.”

Joe comes out of the kitchen and sits down next to my aunt. Around me, he’s pretty quiet, letting her do most of the talking. I appreciate that because I wouldn’t be amused if he suddenly started acting like my dad. “I think it’s time, Gabby.”

“Tonight? Really?”

“She’s stronger than you give her credit for,” he says. “The girl rode a hundred miles today. She can handle it.”

It’s true; I did. I can barely walk, barely sit, actually. The cushions help. “Whatever it is, just tell me. I heard you talking on the phone before, anyway.”

“Okay.” My aunt gets up and goes to her room. When she comes back, she’s wearing a diamond ring on her left hand. “Joe proposed.”

“Congratulations.” Yeah, I was scared he might ruin my life before, but it’s already screwed up and he hasn’t made it worse tonight. “When?”

“We were thinking after you graduate. You’re okay with this?” she asks.

“Of course. You deserve to be happy. Both of you,” I add, including Joe in my smile. “I’d be more enthusiastic, but I’m really tired.”

“I know you are, baby. Get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning.”

Gratefully, I say good night to both of them, after thanking Joe for the tea and the bath, then I stumble to my room and pass out. I dream of cold instead of fire and I wake with my fists balled up so tight that my hands hurt.

*   *   *

The next two weeks are boring and lonely, but I survive them. I don’t write again; I’m waiting for Shane to reply. That’s how snail mail works, right? Ryan and Lila talk to me on Facebook, at least. At last, my punishment ends, and we’re into March when I get the first letter from Shane. I wasn’t sure if he’d be allowed to write back. I’m glad that he is. I open the letter with trembling fingers.

Sage,

I don’t know what to say. Obviously I messed up. He was hurting you and I couldn’t let him get away with it. People like him have everything, and we’re just supposed to let them do whatever they want? I probably should be sorry, and I am a little sometimes, but only because I’m locked up away from you. I’ll never be sorry for kicking Dylan Smith’s ass. He had it coming.

That part makes me laugh. I read on.

I’m waiting for my court appearance. If my dad had come for me, they might’ve released me into his custody. With my record, though, it’s hard to be sure. I’m sorry I never told you. I mean, I hinted, but that’s not the same. In the end, you were so honest, even though it was hard.