The union launched a campaign reminding the public that sexual services were not part of a nurse’s job description. The campaign, “I Draw the Line Here,” featured a young nurse crossing her hands in front of her face. According to the union, in response to the campaign, the managing director of a patient interest group argued, in all seriousness, that patients “are free to ask. You are free to refuse.”
For now, let’s set aside the idea of happy-ending healthcare and tell it like it is. Like men and women in any other profession, nurses have sex. And yes, many of them boff their colleagues. In an unscientific poll for the purpose of this book, I asked more than 100 nurses whether they or any of the nurses they worked with had engaged in a sexual relationship with a doctor, nurse, or other coworker. Eighty-seven percent of them said yes.
Depending on the hospital and the unit, a nurse’s relationship landscape can range from “I feel like I’m actually living Grey’s Anatomy” (Washington State) to “Hospital life is so damn far from Grey’s Anatomy, it’s not even funny. Our doctors aren’t that hot, supply closets almost always have two doors and they never lock from the inside. And no one has time to go make out with a doctor anyway, because we’re usually behind in charting, haven’t peed in nine hours, and are fighting hypoglycemia on a constant basis because we don’t get the time to eat” (Colorado).
Nurses describe affairs with married doctors, trysts with residents, techs, and fellow nurses, and certain units that are more infamous than others. “Some places, everyone is banging each other and it’s an incestuous circle,” said a Delaware nurse. “ERs are notorious. The nurse is hooking up with the medic, who is also seeing the case manager, who just got the physician pregnant. It happens whenever you put young, money-strapped, stressed-out people together for long hours with few breaks.”
It also happens on hospital property. Nurses have gotten intimate in on-call rooms, equipment lockers, storage closets, linen closets, family conference rooms, stairwells, visitor bathrooms, libraries, patient rooms, offices, and parking lots.
Nurses offer several reasons for their coworkers’ allure, beyond what a Washington nurse who slept with a cardiology tech called the “heady” feeling of conducting an illicit relationship in a taboo place. In any situation when people constantly spend long hours together, they are more likely to consider each other potential romantic partners. “Sexual exploits are bound to happen,” said a Virginia nurse practitioner who dated a med student. “When I worked in the ER, there were always residents who’d try to convince younger nurses to join them in the call room at night.”
The medical setting adds an intoxicating variable: Surrounded by reminders of mortality and infused with the adrenaline rush of tackling emergencies, medical professionals can get caught up in the enticement of sex and affairs. A Pennsylvania nurse attributed some of her nursing expertise to a mild flirtation with a resident: “I wanted to be in the same room with him, so I tried to predict what cases he would be attending and ask to be assigned. Those were big cases—partial gastrectomy, abdominal aneurysms, thoracic procedures—and I grew as an OR nurse because of that.”
Nurses said they hook up with coworkers for the same reason they are drawn to police officers and firefighters: They “get it.” Emergency personnel understand what it’s like to save a life, to face a trauma, to try to help, to fail. “It’s like any kind of trauma: Those who survive the experience have memories in common. It’s harder to go home to a spouse who has no idea what the trenches are like,” said an advanced-practice nursing professor in Texas. “When people work under stress, they bond, and sometimes the bonding crosses over to sexual activity.”
Hospitals carry a longtime tradition of nurses marrying doctors. Years ago, when most doctors were male, “residency was all-consuming, so the only women they met were at the hospital,” said a Michigan women’s- health nurse who married a resident. “Every year in June, teaching hospitals distribute pictures of the residents. When I was a young nurse, the pictures would become marked with ‘M’ or ‘S’ for married or single, so we would all know who was available. Of course, now that more women are residents, doctors marry other doctors.”
If colleagues can remain discreet, as in any workplace, are their relationships such a bad thing? “We’ve gone to a quiet stairwell, or outside when it was dark, listening for someone coming,” said an Indiana psychiatric nurse who has dated a security guard and a cafeteria worker at her hospital. “People are able to keep it a secret unless they work directly with one another and act like awkward idiots.”
Or unless they’re caught in the act. At one East Coast hospital, a camera captured a nurse giving oral sex to a surgeon in the library. “They were both reprimanded and the entire hospital staff found out about it, which had to be the most embarrassing thing ever,” said a travel nurse assigned to the hospital. “CCTV is a bad, bad thing for a secret hospital rendezvous.”
As happens anywhere, intimate relationships can strain interactions with coworkers, who may feel they have to take sides, keep secrets, or avoid drama. An Arizona oncology nurse’s coworker dated several doctors in the same hospital. “She became a joke among the docs,” the nurse said. “Everyone in her department lost respect for her. At multiple social events, she showed up clinging to the arm of a different doctor each time. Bad social move, bad career move.”
After a Louisiana oncology nurse accidentally walked in on her preceptor having sex with a doctor, the preceptor criticized the new nurse daily until she drove her out of the job. “Usually, it only causes issues when there’s a breakup or jealousy. It makes it hard to work when they are fighting,” said an Indiana nurse whose unit included two nurses having affairs with three doctors. “We do have fun, but there have been times when it has gone too far. The younger nurses aren’t that discreet and can get distracted by drama. A new nurse had an affair with an older nurse’s husband, a respiratory therapist, and flaunted it. Needless to say, the new nurse found it difficult to work here and transferred.”
The double standard
It takes two (or, in the case of nurses caught having sex in a Scottish hospital’s geriatric ward closet, three), but the nurse commonly suffers more consequences than the doctor. Upon learning that a nurse manager was sleeping with a doctor, Virginia administrators fired the nurse and eventually promoted the doctor, even though the couple got married. When a resident and a nurse were caught having sex in an Eastern Maryland hospital supply closet, the hospital gave the resident a slap on the wrist but fired the nurse.
There is an odd dichotomy by which the public seems to want to sexualize nurses yet keep them from having sex; they can be whorish angels but not angelic whores, nor anything in between. In the U.K., a writer remarked, “As Britons, we are obsessed with the ‘naughtiness’ of nursing.”
When a group of nurses posed in their underwear for a calendar, the U.K.’s Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC) threatened to remove them from the register (roughly equivalent to rescinding their licenses). An NMC spokesperson said, “Nurses are expected to uphold the good reputation of their profession at all times. This is clearly stated in your Code of Conduct, and failure to comply may bring your fitness to practice into question.” First, this happened in the same country in which buses advertised a nurse wearing not much more than the calendar models. And second, to expect a nurse to follow an employer’s rules “at all times” is ludicrous. The NMC sounded like college sorority officers, vetting clothing, demanding pages’ worth of arbitrary codes of conduct, and attempting to govern members’ nonsorority activities. Like any other professionals, nurses have independent lives outside of work. Why should a regulatory organization expect to control nurses’ lives when there is no comparable oversight for, say, accountants?